FYI, folks: App. State coach Jerry Moore is having a conference call today JUST to talk about the 5-year anniversary of beating Michigan.— Nick Baumgardner (@nickbaumgardner) August 16, 2012

[Engaging first-person mode for reasons of clarity. Be not afraid.]

Ah, memories. (AP)

It’s funny what sticks to the inside of your head for no reason at all. I have no personal or professional connections to Michigan or Appalachian State football. I had no real reason to be watching that game. I was sitting with my dad in a hotel bar in San Francisco in 2007, killing a couple hours before heading over to Berkeley for the second game of Cal’s home-and-home series with Tennessee. I don’t remember the lead-up to that final quarter at all. There were a dozen television screens in that place, and it was the first Saturday of the season. There was a lot to pay attention to.

It plays out like a disaster movie in my head. When it became apparent that Things Were Happening in Ann Arbor, probably on that first blocked field goal late in the fourth quarter, the bartender switched the game to the big projection screen in the corner, and patrons began to peel off from other activities around the room and crowd around it. And when that second kick was blocked, and the room burst into disbelieving chatter, I saw two men stand up from where they’d been sitting, right in front of the big screen. They turned, revealing Michigan State logos on the fronts of their ball caps. They wound their way through the crowd, saying nothing, but as one passed by, I caught a snatch of the song he was humming quietly to himself. “Hail to the Victors.”

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Lane Kiffin, seen here pondering the ineffable integrity of the Coaches’ Poll. Probably. (AP)

Lovingly curated light reading to speed you through to the weekend:

There are a couple things happening in Los Angeles right now that we’re going to sort of mash together here. See if you can keep up, because both tales are of vital importance to your very existence.

• The part where Jim Mora is all “LOL USC is full of murders” and then has to act like he’s sorry he said that. So UCLA’s new head ballcoach tried the white salmon trick on the radio, at the expense of his crosstown rivals. Here we have to go straight to excerpting the L.A. Times story on the matter because we don’t want you to miss a word:

Mora, discussing recruiting on the Roger Lodge radio show, said he makes a point to tell parents how safe it is at UCLA, noting, “We don’t have murders a block from our campus.”

The murder of two Chinese graduate students near the USC campus in April became international news. But Mora said Thursday that he was speaking only about the UCLA campus. “I just said our campus is safe,” Mora said. “I didn’t say anything about anyone else’s campus. I just said it about our campus. I didn’t mention another campus. We don’t have anybody getting murdered a block off of our campus.

“If anybody, whether USC or Cal State San Bernardino, is offended by the statement, then that’s their insecurity, not mine.”

Mora later delivered something at least remotely resembling an apology, although we are not precisely sure why he bothered. If you’re the guy who’s OK insinuating to parents that their sons might be murdered if they sign with the Trojans, and then bring up that recruiting tactic on live radio, at least stick the landing. Own that. (It’s also worth noting that we are absolutely certain this kind of gambit is employed in recruiting all over the country — but that you don’t hear those guys bringing it up on the radio. Ten points from Hufflepuff, J-Mo.) And, more importantly for internetting purposes, why on earth would you leave yourself open to the obvious and scathing retort?

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It’s easy to imagine NCAA president Mark Emmert gesturing to his face to explain how future minor NCAA infractions might be met by a court of a coach’s peers screaming, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?” at the offending party. (Getty Images)

Lovingly curated light reading to speed you through your Friday:

• That this bowl is imaginary doesn’t make its specter any less real. A 6-6 record appears likely to remain the bar to clear for postseason eligibility, and you can sort of see around the edges in these quotes to where people are thinking that hey, it’s all about the bowl tycoons raking in the cash while the kids rake in the commemorative keychains, right?

“Thirty-five bowl games can be a lot, but certainly those games provide an opportunity for a lot of student-athletes to experience the postseason,” Womack said.

All we ask is that all social media channels for any future bowls be run by the Florida Citrus Sports team.

• Slapping with trout added as penalty for butt-dialing. NCAA bigwigs are getting behind a new penalty structure, which will have four tiers of violations. We have helpfully named them for you: primary, secondary, tertiary and what’s-wrong-with-your-faceiary.

• Just an aborted attempt to helicopter Tee Martin off the deck of a cruise ship, no big deal. Lane Kiffin recounts USC’s madcap pursuit of Silas Redd.

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Lovingly curated light reading to speed you through your Friday. 

• This has even less to do with football than usual, but just try not to have a good afternoon while grooving down to Bob Ross. We dare you. (And if that doesn’t work, might we suggest #bearcam? [Via.]

• “SMU Athletes Accuse Prostitute Of Burglary.” Now THAT is a clickable headline. Read on!

One of the players, identified as Uchenna Nwabuike, told police he believed the person responsible for the thefts was an escort. The linebacker from Missouri City went on to tell authorities that he had, “made a deal with the suspect to have sex with her for $50.”

In the police report, Nwabuike admitted that, “he did not pay the suspect for the acts that she performed” and left the woman in the home alone while the players attended the banquet.

Top-to-bottom sterling decision-making here.

• Tempted the wrath of the whatever from high atop the stadium. Was it just two weeks ago that we were lamenting the maturation of Tyler Bray? He was a lot more fun to interview back when he was flinging touchdowns and flatly admitting he had no idea what plays he was supposed to run. But every time we’ve seen him this year, it’s been leadership this and footwork that. And so it was that we saw this video, and giggled at the Bray-and-blonde subplot, and wondered vaguely if the UT athletic department was needling fate. SURE ENOUGH, hours later: Reports of Bray winging beer bottles off an apartment balcony. Derek Dooley, naturally, responded: “Obviously his accuracy is not where it needs to be. He missed the trash can.”

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Lovingly curated light reading to speed you through your Friday:

• “We are advancing constantly and we’re not interested in holding onto anything except the enemy.” Louisiana Tech has hit a vein of inspiration as it campaigns for postseason consideration for  Quinton Patton (at right).

• Matt Barkley to UMass! Andy Staples stages a massive college football draft. AJ McCarron from Alabama to South Alabama! Tyler Wilson to Akron! Maryland getting a higher slot in the draft order than Bowling Green!

• Keep stepping, Big E. Eric LeGrand fills in at Monday Morning Quarterback.

• Here is a video of Robbie Caldwell talking about football. No new turkey stories this time, but lordamercy, do we ever miss having Robbie Caldwell around as a head coach. Robbie Caldwell.

• We regret the error. Now entering the corrections hall of fame: “The private hot tub for Coach Chip Kelly and other Duck football coaches in the under-construction football operations center is located off the coaches’ locker room in the project’s so-called teaching box, not next to Kelly’s office, according to plans submitted to the city. An article in Tuesday’s Register-Guard inaccurately reported that the hot tub was next to Kelly’s office. The error stemmed from a misreading of the blueprint.” Register-Guard, we see you.

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Lovingly curated light reading to speed you through your Friday:

• This is not Texas A&M’s new helmet. And we are all poorer for it. Which will be the first school to crack the Three Wolf Moon uniform barrier?

I’ve given it some thought, and if I only had ONE guess at what we’re seeing at 12:12… twitter.com/Stewade/status…

— Stewart Wade (@Stewade) July 5, 2012

• We solved this bowl thing. That will be $300,000. Thanks so much. Will middle- and lower-tier bowls be marginalized as the Big Six grow in prominence? Will any resort to gimmickry to maintain a high media profile? We have a solution: Bring Sky High Sports to, say, the Alamodome. Trampoline football! (This is not a paid endorsement, but if we were famous we would totally endorse this place.)

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Isaiah Crowell had 850 rushing yards and five touchdowns last season. (Getty Images)

Lovingly curated light reading to speed you through to the weekend.

MARK RICHT HAS LOST CONTROL OF oh forget it. The “Mark Richt Has Lost Control Of This Football Team, Again, No AGAIN” meme that erupts every time a Georgia player runs afoul of the ever-vigilant Athens police department is not nearly as much fun to trot out when it’s not a scooter-related arrest. (They are mostly scooter-related arrests. You might have heard.)

No, the moped arrest is not back in vogue at this time, but we do have a repeat offender to address: Isaiah Crowell, the five-star tailback who was the jewel of the highly-regarded 2011 signing class and led the Bulldogs in rushing last season (even when factoring in two suspensions), was arrested this morning on three weapons charges, two of them felonies. The Columbus Ledger-Enquirer has the details on the incident, which stemmed from a stop at a police roadblock at which officers smelled marijuana in the car. No drug charges were filed, but a gun with an altered serial number in the car landed Crowell in county jail. Four teammates in the car with Crowell were released.

But is there an altered image of Crowell with that bulldog puppy he brought to his signing ceremony, in which the puppy is now holding a gun? What do you think Friends of the Program is for?

While we are on the topic of arrests: Texas A&M is not quiiiite in the SEC fold just yet, but they’re already really good at acting like it: Freshman quarterback Johnny Manziel was also arrested in the wee hours this morning, this time for scuffling on a street corner. Is his name pronounced “man zeal”? There’s a shirtless mugshot happening here, so probably!

Kiss our grits, “hockey,” if that’s even your real name. College football fan, you have two New Year’s Eves to yourself remaining out of at least the next 14 years. Spend them wisely. Or in the Georgia Dome. Whatever.

But does it even matter when the bowls are played, what with college football being ruined and all?? Farewell to our most beautiful game.

Somebody has enough money to pay Nick Saban to show up at a beach. No, that’s all. Pat Dye and Gene Stallings never actually left.

The Lane Kiffin Coach Integrity Bonus is a thing that exists. Carry on!

We see no way this could end in heartbreak. 

Michigan will play Appalachian State again in 2014.

— Bill Rabinowitz (@brdispatch) June 27, 2012

What’s so funny?

Louisville fans: concerned with face paint, not concerned with fall weddings. (ZUMAPRESS.com)

Programming note: Campus Union will be on hiatus next week as we flee west to catch a little sunstroke before the crush of media days. Regular posting will resume Monday, June 25. Until then, you can follow our PCH madcap misadventures on Twitter, or just gaze with wondrous adoration at our shiny new banner up top. Beards! Laserfeet! 

Below, lovingly curated light reading to speed you to your weekend:

• Reader mail: The Miracle Marriage. Our favorite response to Tuesday’s Troll Wedding Calendar came from intrepid occasional colleague Godfrey, who writes:

I used a late January business trip to London to propose, ostensibly because I could do so in unforgettable vista of the WW2-bombed ruins of a Catholic church inside the old City of London gates  (#nohumblebrag) but also because the time of the proposal would theoretically not permit a big Southern wedding to planned in time for the Sept-Oct window but OH S*** I WAS WRONG SHE’S REALLY ORGANIZED.

My fandom was outweighed (read: overruled) by that whole “undying love and commitment thing, two become one in the eyes God, etc…,” and 10/23/10 was selected due to the church’s availability. The reception was held in her parent’s home (straight up North Louisiana Steel Magnolias, srsly. My future father-in-law even shot squirrels out of the oak trees that morning).

The groomsmen fan affiliation broke down accordingly: 2 Ole Miss, 1 UGA, 1 Texas, 2 LSU, 1 Louisville (/was not concerned). You’d think a 630pm wedding on 10/23/10, the heart of the season, would spell disaster, especially with three SEC teams.

Behold, a miracle:

11:00 CT – Texas vs. Iowa State
11:20am CT – Ole Miss at Arkansas
2:30pm CT – LSU at Auburn (game ended right as the limo came to take the groomsmen to the church)
6:15pm CT – UGA at Kentucky (the sole conflict, BUT they re-aired it on FSN that night at 3am in the hotel bar, because yes, he watched it then)

The only minor complaint the entire night was a sole Bama fan unable to witness a mere routine slaughter of Tennessee. ONE fan out of a group of 300.

PS – As compensation, we had all-bourbon bar at the reception. Seven top-shelf choices to assist in helping most attendees forget what day/week/sports season it was before 9 p.m.

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Lovingly curated light readings to speed you through your Friday:

• Hi, haters. There’s a font of NSFW language in the above video, so beware unless your boss finds it charming when profanity is sung or delivered in a British accent. But click, and you’ll find a loving anthem to internet trolls, largely dormant around here during the summer because we can’t call 35-percent completion ratios “lackluster” and in doing so grievously insult their favorite quarterbacks. We miss you guys too, and we’ll see you real soon.

• AND SPEAKING OF HATERS. You’re just jealous of Mike Garrett’s new job.

• So far as we know. Astonishingly, this Morgantown lawnmower DUI charge is not associated with the West Virginia football program. [via @BrianMFloyd]

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Lovingly curated light reading from the past week to speed you through your Friday:

Serenade us, catlab.

• ESS EEE CEASE AND DESIST. America, meet Texas A&M. The Aggies are pretty much always like this, from what we understand. Any questions about their natural fit in the SEC should be dashed on the rocks of slippery reason at this point.

• After Pamplona, FOIAetteville doesn’t seem so daunting. We are going to like having John L. Smith around, we think.

• SEALverines! Michigan trains at Coronado.

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