By Holly Anderson

For The First Time This Year We Wish We Worked Offseason Weekends, Vol. 2: In which the President has been reading the message boards.

President Obama just referred to the University of Michigan as That School Up North.—
Kyle Rowland (@KyleRowland) May 05, 2013

President Obama gave Ohio State’s commencement address this weekend, and he adhered admirably to rivalry rhetoric but selfishly neglecting to issue an executive order awarding each of Ohio State’s victories under Urban Meyer to the SEC.

By Holly Anderson

My fav Urban gem: “Some people say stats are for losers. I say those people probably are the losers because they don’t like their stats."—
Travis Haney (@TravHaneyESPN) April 16, 2013

You know when it’s fun to talk about stats? When you have a 12-0 team. Undefeated Urbz is endlessly entertaining, like a cat with every strand of fur in place, lolling in a sunbeam.

By Zac Ellis

Ohio State didn’t win any championships in 2012, but don’t tell that to the Buckeyes. Thursday, a few members of Urban Meyer’s staff posted pictures of the team’s new rings, which say “12-0″ across the face. Ohio State completed an undefeated regular season last year, but was ineligible for postseason play because of NCAA sanctions. And before you ask: Yes, those sanctions stemmed from players getting tattoos in exchange for … championships rings and other merchandise. Stewart Mandel always says college football is cyclical…

Check out the photos posted Thursday by receivers coach Zach Smith and sports information director Jerry Emig, which show the gold pants earned for beating Michigan. Pretty sweet, though it begs the question: How many teams sport rings for winning a division title?

Days Like Today Show Us Why Being a Buckeye is Different From Anywhere Else in the Country!! #RingsOnRings #GoldPants http://t.co/iMT2EIcawY—
Zach Smith (@CoachZachSmith) April 11, 2013

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USC coach Lane Kiffin has struggled to locate potential starting cornerbacks this spring. (Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)

By Zac Ellis

Looking to get your spring practice fix? Here’s a roundup of some of the best coaching quotes from the past week:

• “They’re not going to come out of somewhere, so we’ve just got to play better with the guys we have, get them better and coach better.” — USC coach Lane Kiffin, on his team’s search for starters at cornerback.

• “I guess that’s better than the opposite — just curl up and, ‘Why did he hit me?’” — Ohio State coach Urban Meyer on quarterback Braxton Miller, who got in the face of a defensive teammate after taking a hard hit to the ribs.

• “He’s going to play. He’s going to have a package. I don’t think there’s any question. That’s established. He’s a big part of our team.” — Oklahoma State coach Mike Gundy on backup quarterback J.W. Walsh’s potential role in the Cowboys’ offense.

• “Right at the end of the dadgum thing.” — Florida State coach Jimbo Fisher, describing junior tailback Devonta Freeman injuring his ankle in a recent scrimmage.

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@SIHolly This turtle has DISAPPOINTED ME. It is SOFT. It is PROBABLY A HIPPY punchpunchpunchpunch—
Matt Brown (@MattLGHL) February 12, 2013

• Just let us have this. And it came to pass that Urban Meyer’s recycled turtle story, which brought great joy to all corners of God’s green internet, gained such traction that Ohio State’s media relations folks were forced to issue the following statement, which we are printing here in full, caps and italics emphasis faithfully reproduced from the original document:

Date:    Feb. 12, 2013
To:       Media Covering Ohio State Football
What:   Joke

This note is in response to the headlines that are running on the internet that don’t seem to take into consideration that Coach Meyer told a JOKE to a crowd of high school coaches last week. He was telling a story about toughness and he exaggerated a story about toughness. It is the same story he has told numerous times before, including last year at this same convention; only the coach he talked about last year wasn’t Coach Hayes, but Coach Bruce.

So please know: the story about toughness that Coach Meyer shared with a crowd last week and the year before and numerous times before was a joke and only a joke.  

Thank you in advance for your clarifications.

Nothing gold can stay, y’all.

• In happier B1G news … Barry Alvarez says the Big Ten is done scheduling FCS programs. We are pleased. Some other folks are not, and there are valid reasons, but we’d still rather watch New Mexico State than the Citadel. Sorry, the Citadel.

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Too busy crafting a dynasty to neatly dice an avocado and shave a little parmesan, Nick Saban? Probably, yes.

• Is this a photo from Nick Saban’s Instagram account? SPOILER ALERT: No. No, it is not, because that’s fresh-cracked pepper you see on those delicious salads, and who has the time?

• Here is a story that will in no way end in screams and wig-snatching. Urban Meyer is eventually going to lose a Big Ten game, but until he does, this story will recur a lot and will always be hilaaaaarious.

• Meticulously faithful recreation of the Legends of the Hidden Temple set or GTFO. The playoff selection selection committee is hard at work. Our opinion on this matter is well known.

• Today in Irresistably Clickable Headlines: “Arkansas Builds Bielema Giant Truck Set For Signing Day.” Get it? Because tailgating? Get it? Please, somebody make this contraption a drivable reality and park it in the Grove for four days this fall.

• Oh, nothing. Gary Pinkel is not a fan of recruiting rankings, and it’s probably for the best that there’s no way to assign a star value to losing a commit to Minnesota.

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Punter flip! RT @brdispatch: Punter Johnny Townsend, an #OSU commit, has moved press conference to 4 p.m. Rumors that he'll flip to Alabama.—
Stewart Mandel (@slmandel) February 06, 2013

• Ask not for whom the punter flips. What was funny a little while ago when it was reported that punter Johnny Townsend was headed to Nick Saban’s squad and not former rival Urban Meyer’s is now funny, in a different way, with Townsend signing on with Meyer’s old squad. Either way, Ohio State lost out on a punter, which even in the absence of Jim Tresselball is still pretty giggleworthy.

• “That’s the first time in 30 years I’ve ever been chased out of a development and chased down a highway trying to recruit somebody.” Here is a recruiting trail story from Randy Edsall that you are going to want to read.

• “I’ve taken it about up to here with all the media and the Twitters and everybody.” Hugh Freeze gets frosty, and Andy Staples was there.

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Monteé Ball’s last name is also a football word, which should save us all some headline writing time once he finally breaks this record. (AP)

Saturday college football games of varying degrees of interest, grouped in highly subjective categories. For more preview content, visit Andy Staples’ Walkthrough.

• Biggest game with nothing riding on it: No. 6 Ohio State at Wisconsin, 3:30 p.m. ET. The Badgers already know they’re headed to Indianapolis, as the only other teams with fewer than three conference losses in the Leaders Division (the Buckeyes and Penn State) are ineligible for postseason play. But a win here would be the biggest [screw]-you moment for Urban Meyer since the 2008 Florida-Georgia game. And if you think Urban Meyer doesn’t live for [screw]-you moments, please see the 2008 Florida-Georgia game.

What is actually at stake: The NCAA all-time career touchdowns record, currently sitting at 78 and held by former Miami RedHawk Travis Prentice. Monteé Ball is one score away from tying and two away from breaking this record, and he has a chance to do both at home. He recorded 198 rushing yards and three scores last week against Indiana; if Ball does break the record, expect to hear the hollering in Madison as far away as Kentucky, and expect little bits of glitter to spew from this page. (Please protect your eyes accordingly.)

• Biggest game we feel like we couldn’t predict if our lives depended on it: No. 21 USC at No. 17 UCLA, 3:05 p.m. We have well established at this point in the season that even when relying on math and the best available logic, picking games is tricky work. It’s much more fun, and equally ineffective, to rely on factors like spite and cussedness and probably-imaginary-but-maybe-not-surefire jinxes to decide, particularly in rivalry matchups, which is why this weekend’s clash in the Rose Bowl scares the hell out of us. Some factors to consider: Whose coach to dislike (or grudgingly admire) more? Is it cosmically dangerous to even bring up that “football monopoly” talk at this point? Can we straight-up call this game for USC because keeping an opposing team’s costumed representative from poking one’s field with a sword is the furthest possible thing from a power move imaginable?

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• For the record, we were kidding. Saturday, in the waning minutes of the Texas-Kansas game:

Texas will still be ranked next week. THE COACHES POLL REJECTS YOUR REALITY AND SUBSTITUTES ITS OWN.

— Holly Anderson (@SIHolly) October 27, 2012

Sunday, in the Coaches’ Poll: The Longhorns move up two slots, from 24 to 22. We will choose our words more carefully when next taunting the spider-gods responsible for college football lists.

Elsewhere in rankings news: Alabama, Kansas State, Notre Dame, Oregon and LSU make up the new BCS top five, with the Ducks dropping two slots and the Wildcats and Fighting Irish rising. That dream of Bill Snyder using a crystal football as a hard candy dish draws ever nearer. … Louisiana Tech appears at BCS No. 25, a program first. … Along with LaTech, Nebraska, Arizona and Oklahoma State move into the rankings this week, replacing the departed Rutgers, Michigan, Ohio and Wisconsin.

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Tracking the zeitgeist of college football’s third weekend through social media:

Will the Cougs be Leaching Las Vegas w/ a win?

— Michael Felder (@InTheBleachers) September 15, 2012

Terrible kill by Marquess Wilson. #Pac12Volleyball

— edsbs (@edsbs) September 15, 2012

Very appropriate ending to the football equivalent of raccoons rummaging through garbage cans. Sure it’s fun to watch, but what a mess.

— Ralph D. Russo (@ralphDrussoAP) September 15, 2012

@edsbs Too bad Carter had to give up the magician gig due to ESPN’s ‘no Christian magicians’ policy. Same thing happened to Olbermann.

— Flubber McGee (@FlubberMcGee) September 15, 2012

Deon Bucannon’s four-way head turn there was magnificent toddler-opera: 1. “DAWG!” 2 wait 3. Naw I was– 4. DANG [flag]

— edsbs (@edsbs) September 15, 2012

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