Cam Newton: Once a Tiger, now a Panther. Once a Big Man on Campus, always a Big Man on Campus. (AP)

Cam Newton is back at Auburn, taking spring classes and working toward his degree. Cam Newton will not be doing any press on this matter, according to Auburn. This leaves us with a lot of time on our hands to imagine what we would get up to if thrust back into a college environment with all of Newton’s accolades.

Are there any among you who would not abuse this situation just a tiny little bit? Here follows our abbreviated list of things we would try at Auburn if we happened to be a famous pro football player:

• Bring different combination of Auburn/Carolina apparel to campus every day. Festoon statue accordingly. Frequent refreshes for holidays/notable school events.

• Purchase baby elephant. Name it after Pat Dye. Outfit with tiny houndstooth hat. Drape with decorative blanket reading “28-27.” Take everywhere.

• Persuade Auburn biology department to breed tigers with panthers to produce the ultimate mascot/guardian-pet.

• At irregular intervals, pay for lunches of students in cafeteria line. When approached for autographs, claim to be Kenny Chesney in elaborate disguise and on stilts.

• Join intramural bowling, badminton or ping-pong team. Take everything involved WAY too seriously.

• Stage Cam Newton Look-Alike Contest.

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Wisconsin's Bret Bielema and LSU's Les Miles aired their Signing Day grievances with the media. (Getty)

We have been (professionally and brahsomely) enamored of Bret Bielema and Les Miles since 2006 and 2007, respectively, and the origins of what we would call these man-crushes if we possessed the proper plumbing can be traced to very specific events. Bielema captured our attention with that notoriously trollsome stunt he pulled against Penn State, wherein the Badgers ran out the clock on the first half with a newly acquired 10-3 lead by deliberately running offsides on two kickoffs, leaving the Nittany Lions no time with which to operate once a third was executed. (Wisconsin would go on to win, 13-3.) We have never lived in Big Ten country, but we have a casual favorite Big Ten school, and that is it, and that is why.

Miles, for his part, won our bloggy hearts with his now-legendary “Have a GREAT day” press conference, hastily assembled just prior to the ’07 SEC Championship Game to dispel rumors he was lighting out for the Michigan job. He didn’t go. We were sad about that. We had the best gameday sign that year, and also we did not like watching our football team lose to LSU a whole bunch. But we were Les Miles fans from that moment forward.

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A brass-stomached newsroom reacted with genuine horror this morning to the cavalcade of new uniforms presented by the Maryland Terrapins, most particularly an object that Terps head coach Randy Edsall tweeted. It is supposed to be a football helmet, patterned like the shell of (wait for it) a terrapin, and bedecked with a checkered stripe intended to hearken to the Maryland state flag. (But there won’t be any names on the backs of the jerseys, because that would be too busy.)

There are three problems with this contraption. The first is that it is terrible.

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