There is no such thing as a compelling photo of NCAA COI deliberations, so here is Sebastian in a vaguely menacing posture. (AP)

Assorted items of varying degrees of interest which you may have missed while grudgingly watching playoff football and sending surly tweets to the Golden Globes:

• The NCAA is Lucy, and Miami football is the football, and we are Charlie Brown running toward it, or something? This metaphor holds up only to demonstrate how very much we wish for this all to be over, but here we go: The Miami Herald is calling the release of NCAA allegations against the Hurricanes football program “imminent,” just short of the investigation’s two-year anniversary. Bylaw Blogger John Infante lays out all the ways this process could still be stalled, and how the Miami case might affect Oregon’s.

• Mike Stoops also a fan of Hi Haters Friday! Friday night, 6:06 p.m., Tulsa World‘s John E. Hoover posts a transcript excerpt of a Mike Stoops radio interview, specifically a question regarding Johnny Football: “They’re gonna be tough to deal with. If they can keep him out of jail or keep him eligible, he’s gonna be pretty good.” Friday night, 10:37 p.m., Tulsa World post headline: “Mike Stoops regrets controversial comments on Manziel.” Had Stoops’ defense possessed that kind of on-the-fly adaptability in the Cotton Bowl, perhaps Manziel would not have scored four touchdowns against it, PAAAOWL.

• Roster blotter. In better news for Miami: Seantrel Henderson, Brandon Linder and Curtis Porter announced Monday morning they all intend to return to the ‘Canes in 2013 … in even better news for Profiteroles fans, Dri Archer will stay on for his senior season at Kent State … Iowa State quarterback Jared “That Kid Who Beat Oklahoma State” Barnett and linebacker C.J. Morgan intend to transfer … Texas defensive tackle Brandon Moore will enter the draft … also declaring is USC corner Nickell Robey, whom we will dearly miss watching because of his too-perfect defensive name … Oregon linebacker Anthony Wallace will transfer … Case McCoy and Jordan Hicks have been reinstated at Texas … and Casey Pachall returns to the Horned Frogs.

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Monteé Ball’s last name is also a football word, which should save us all some headline writing time once he finally breaks this record. (AP)

Saturday college football games of varying degrees of interest, grouped in highly subjective categories. For more preview content, visit Andy Staples’ Walkthrough.

• Biggest game with nothing riding on it: No. 6 Ohio State at Wisconsin, 3:30 p.m. ET. The Badgers already know they’re headed to Indianapolis, as the only other teams with fewer than three conference losses in the Leaders Division (the Buckeyes and Penn State) are ineligible for postseason play. But a win here would be the biggest [screw]-you moment for Urban Meyer since the 2008 Florida-Georgia game. And if you think Urban Meyer doesn’t live for [screw]-you moments, please see the 2008 Florida-Georgia game.

What is actually at stake: The NCAA all-time career touchdowns record, currently sitting at 78 and held by former Miami RedHawk Travis Prentice. Monteé Ball is one score away from tying and two away from breaking this record, and he has a chance to do both at home. He recorded 198 rushing yards and three scores last week against Indiana; if Ball does break the record, expect to hear the hollering in Madison as far away as Kentucky, and expect little bits of glitter to spew from this page. (Please protect your eyes accordingly.)

• Biggest game we feel like we couldn’t predict if our lives depended on it: No. 21 USC at No. 17 UCLA, 3:05 p.m. We have well established at this point in the season that even when relying on math and the best available logic, picking games is tricky work. It’s much more fun, and equally ineffective, to rely on factors like spite and cussedness and probably-imaginary-but-maybe-not-surefire jinxes to decide, particularly in rivalry matchups, which is why this weekend’s clash in the Rose Bowl scares the hell out of us. Some factors to consider: Whose coach to dislike (or grudgingly admire) more? Is it cosmically dangerous to even bring up that “football monopoly” talk at this point? Can we straight-up call this game for USC because keeping an opposing team’s costumed representative from poking one’s field with a sword is the furthest possible thing from a power move imaginable?

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What glories yet await Cory Dorris and the Golden Hurricane as Conference USA play continues? (AP)

Our weekly highlight show of lesser FBS luminaries. Non-AQs and independents, be welcome.

Tis the season for car commercials with big-ass bows and conference math. We attempted to explain, in bewildering detail, how the MAC races could shake out from here in our Wednesday night MACtion preview. We are here to inform you (with some glee, as we adore late-season chaos) that the MAC has far from the most convoluted conference race situation at the moment. Very quickly, the current states of the remaining non-AQ conference races, as teams not named Navy or BYU begin to prettify themselves for postseason suitors:

• Conference USA: Two teams with perfect 6-0 league play records top the two divisions: Central Florida in the East and Tulsa in the West. After Saturday, one squad’s record will bear some blemish when the two clash in Tulsa, but don’t expect that to affect the race. The Knights have only UAB to clear after that in the regular season, and hold a head-to-head advantage over East Carolina, the only other team in the division with fewer than three conference losses. Tulsa’s championship game aspirations could still be spoiled with a loss tonight and another at SMU November 24, assuming the Mustangs (4-2 in league play) beat Rice in the meantime.

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Fresno State’s offense gets plenty of attention, but Phillip Thomas would have you know the Bulldogs are also ranked seventh nationally in pass efficiency defense. (Courtesy of Fresno State Athletics/Cary Edmondson)

Our weekly highlight show of lesser FBS luminaries. Non-AQs and independents, be welcome.

Profile in Ownage: Phillip Thomas, SS, Fresno State

It’s nine weeks into the first season of the Tim DeRuyter era at Fresno State, and if your thoughts turn to the Bulldogs, they probably turn to quarterback Derek Carr, the younger brother of David currently putting up more than 300 yards of offense a game, or Robbie “Mighty Mouse” Rouse, the diminutive back who scored four touchdowns in a quarter against Colorado. But as the season winds down, we’d suggest familiarizing yourselves with the body of work being assembled by senior strong safety Phillip Thomas. The Bakersfield, Calif., native has recorded an FBS-leading seven interceptions through two months of play, three of which he returned for touchdowns, and one fumble recovery. He’s also forced three fumbles, made seven tackles for loss and collected three sacks.

“This 3-4 defense that we run, we learned it from Dick LeBeau and the Steelers, and Phillip’s our Troy Polamalu,” DeRuyter told SI.com. “Where you’ve gotta have a guy who’s gonna be a difference-maker, you can blitz him, you can have him in pass coverage, you can have him as a run-force player, he can play man coverage and he can disguise everything? That guy, for us, is Phillip.”

Thomas is keying a major defensive turnaround. A team that ranked 116th nationally in turnover margin last season is up to 11th in 2012, thanks in large part to a player who spent most of his junior year watching from the sidelines on one good leg.

“I know we’ve had a reputation here offensively,” said DeRuyter. “When you’ve got players like Derek and Robbie, it’s deservedly so.

“What I think people don’t know is Phillip didn’t play a year ago.”

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Like preseason awards, but for games, and weekly, and just as meaningful. For additional Week 6 content, peruse Andy Staples’ Walkthrough.

• Most internetty homecoming. After UAB callously ignored an online movement to model the Blazers’ 2012 Homecoming theme on Trogdor the Burninator, one enterprising agent took matters into her own hands. Did we attend UAB? We did not. Are we wearing a homemade “BURNINATE THE LIONS” shirt tomorrow? Do you know us at all?

• Best East Coast brunch game. A pre-noon kickoff in Eastern Time! Navy will start this year’s Commander-in-Chief’s Trophy series at 11:30 a.m. ET at Air Force.

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Central Michigan scored a win for the MAC by knocking off Iowa in the final seconds. (Matthew Holst/Getty Images)

Our weekly highlight show of lesser FBS luminaries. Non-AQs and independents, be welcome:

This will mark our fifth season tracking the record of non-AQ programs against teams from power conferences, for no other reason than liking to watch where the numbers go. We’re not sure we’ve ever seen a weekend produce a winning record for a mid-major league that involved more than one or two games. But glory be to the MAC, which played seven games against BCS-favored opponents, and won four. (Yes, we’re even including Northern Illinois’ win over Kansas, even though Kansas is Kansas. COUNT IT.)

MAC teams beat one Big Ten team, two Big East teams and one Big 12 team. Directional Michigan schools had a particularly grand weekend, with Central Michigan knocking off Iowa and Western Michigan laying out UConn. Eastern Michigan also acquitted itself admirably, putting up a dogged fight against Michigan State.

The fifth big winner of Week 4 was the gaudiest: Louisiana Tech, a team with qualities we have been relentlessly touting since last December or so, mowed down Illinois on the road, 52-24. The Bulldogs currently field the nation’s third-ranked scoring offense and have two more high-profile nonconference matchups in the next three weeks: at Virginia and home against Texas A&M. Stay tuned; they’re our favorites behind Ohio to finish the 2012 regular season undefeated.

Speaking of the Bobcats: They’re through their nonconference gauntlet after a Week 4 win over Norfolk State and received 40 votes in this week’s AP Poll. The only other non-AQ teams on that list are Boise State at No. 24 and Louisiana Tech, which received seven votes.

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Assorted bests and worsts from college football’s weekend that was:

• Play of the week. Bryan Bennett, Colt Lyerla, we don’t even particularly want to know what happened here; we just want to bask in its radiance. Friendship!

Just a few yards further back from the goal line and this might have turned into the clown-shoed fumble of the week, which makes it all the more poignant and glorious.

Serious (ish) question. Who gets the touchdown on that Oregon score? Can you split them like sacks?

— Joe Galbraith (@joestate) September 23, 2012

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Jason Wilson and Central Michigan flattened Keenan Davis and Iowa with a last-minute upset win. (Getty Images)

Snap Judgments from the Week 4 early slate. For more coverage, check out our midday Snaps, late Snaps and complete Top 25 review. Also check out our coverage of Florida State-Clemson, Kansas State-Oklahoma and Notre Dame-Michigan.

• Central Michigan 32, Iowa 31: College football’s governing trickster gods are cruel and capricious, and let us never, ever forget it. The same afternoon that saw an Iowa running back deliver a standout performance without suffering the latest in a staggering series of tailback injuries also saw the Hawkeyes defeated by a directional Michigan team –and not a particularly well-regarded directional Michigan team.

Running back Mark Weisman’s 27-carry, 217-yard, three-touchdown outing was overshadowed by the triumph of a Chippewas squad that’s seen little in the way of glory since the departure of quarterback Dan LeFevour. Weisman nearly doubled up Central Michigan’s entire team rushing-wise, but Chippewas quarterback Ryan Radcliff made up for it with an aerial attack that covered 283 yards and two touchdowns.

Radcliff wasn’t the highest-scoring Chippewa, though. That would be kicker David Harman, who made up for weeks of special-teams shame directed at kickers nationwide by hitting a career-long 47-yard field goal with three seconds remaining to clinch the win. And how did Harman find himself in position to hit the game-winner? The final 45 seconds of the game saw the Chippewas fail on a two-point conversion; fail to recover an on-side kick, then recover the on-side after a delay-of-game penalty gave them a second shot; continue to advance on a 15-yard Iowa personal foul penalty; and score nine total points to pull the upset. [RECAP | BOX]

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Could Kyle Brotzman’s notorious miss against Nevada in 2010 be a boon for Boise State? (Peter Read Miller/SI)

Stanford’s offensive coordinator position was recently endowed by an anonymous donor to honor Andrew Luck (gross autoplay video alert at that link). The donation got friend of the program The Gurgling Cod thinking about how to turn this into a rivalry game:

UGA FAN PROTIP — make anon gift to GT, name OC position after Reggie Ball. #trollanthropy espn.go.com/college-footba…

— The Gurgling Cod (@TheGurglingCod) May 23, 2012

Monied fans, you have your marching orders. Our previous bloggy home has just wrapped up an annual charity drive in which donations are given to match rivalry scores (say, $70.33 for enthusiastic fans of January’s Orange Bowl outcome), but an endowment? Oh, that’s a gift that lasts and lasts. We have 10 modest suggestions for our readers overburdened with spite and disposable income:

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The cruel bowl system will keep Mr. and Mrs. Kellen Moore from a BCS destination.

• Bowltyme! Travesties upon travesties abound! (And that’s just the Belk Bowl lineup!) Your full 2011-2012 college football bowl schedule is available for perusal, and there’s just so much to unpack. The Coaches’ and Harris Poll ballots are out and open to dissection, and if you’d like somebody to do your dissecting for you, Andy Staples has you covered.  Stewart Mandel: “Oh, Sugar Bowl. There you go again.”  Matt Hinton: “Seriously: Voting on the better football team? Are we still doing this? We’re really going to do it again? Deferring to polls and algorithms in a competition that keeps score?” Boise State: Shut out of the BCS despite a top 10 finish for the fourth time. The Urbz Bowl: A real thing now.

• Fresh coaches, bought and sold! A reminder: Our Canned Coaches Cubby post will tally each fired coach this offseason. Latest additions: Steve Fairchild and Pat Hill. (Hill’s mustache declined comment.) Now, to the hires (deeeep breath): Hugh Freeze to Ole Miss, Carl Pelini to FAU, Garrick McGee to UAB and Curtis Johnson to Tulane. In non-firing news: Mike Price to remain at UTEP for the moment, Mack Brown hanging on at Texas and Houston would very much like to keep Kevin Sumlin with the Cougars. Good luck with that. In possible departures: Three Auburn assistants have been out on the interviewing trail, though two of them have already lost out (and that’s frankly lucky for all involved parties). And three Pittsburgh assistants are leaving the Panthers for points west.

• A coaching post of a more serious nature: Condolences to the family of former Ohio State assistant Joe Daniels, who passed away over the weekend. Our very best wishes to the OSU football community.

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