• BYU 23, San Diego State 6. All you really, really need to know about last night’s Poinsettia Bowl — that you didn’t glean from the Laff Riot — can be found in this gif from our pals at @SBNation:

It’s the Muppetish way Riley Stephenson lets his arms swing while running off the field that really elevates the artform of the celebration dance here. [BOX | RECAP]

• Merry Christmas, Raggle Muffins. We’re just going to paste in excerpts of Georgia’s Friday morning practice report here:

ATHENS—–Fifth-ranked Georgia held its final bowl practice in Athens in what was deemed “Ragamuffin Friday” as players had the option of getting creative with their workout attire. A handful of Bulldogs garnered attention for their accessories, most notably junior cornerback Blake Sailors for his raccoon skin hat taped to his helmet, freshman running back Todd Gurley’s red riding hood cape and senior flanker Taylor Bradberry’s vintage electric blue-striped jumpsuit straight from the 1980s.

[...]

At the end of practice, Bulldog head coach Mark Richt made a few announcements and what has been tradition over the years, a member of the team volunteered to sing a tune in hopes it would be good enough to excuse the squad from its final conditioning run. Junior defensive end Clint Kirk stepped up and belted a rendition of “I Believe I Can Fly,” an R. Kelly song that made its debut in 1996.  Richt deferred the decision to director of strength and conditioning Joe Tereshinski who paused briefly and then said “Merry Christmas.” 
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@martinrickman I vote for a picture of Dianne Wiest since it’s the Big Wiest.

— Dan Weiner (@DanWeiner) November 13, 2012

• Let’s settle this now. Behold, the divisions of the new Big East: Central Florida, South Florida, Connecticut, Louisville, Cincinnati and Rutgers in the East East, and Boise State, Houston, Memphis, San Diego State, SMU and Temple in the East West. The ease of remembering mostly geographically based divisions aside (lookin’ riiiight at you, Increasingly Inaccurately Named Big Ten and ACC), new divisions mean new opportunities for mnemonic acronyms and Lovecraftian anagrams. IMPORTANT NOTE: For reasons relating to not wanting to come up with a bunch of U-words, we’re going with Central Florida instead of UCF here, South Florida instead of USF and Connecticut instead of UConn. Thank you for your understanding.

Our best suggestions in the clubhouse thus far:

East: Crooked Stepping Creeping Landscape Creep Rust, Considering Shaken Chosen Lawyer Creator Rake and Change Shrewd Cremini Lump Craze Riot.

West: Blistered High Mockery S‘more Stereo Turtle, Blended Holding Minor Sopping Sleepy Tangent and Broad Headache Manic Stiff Solace Toad.

Almost none of these words have anything to do with anything, which is sort of what we get for putting South Florida, Connecticut, Boise and San Diego State in the same conference. Please feel free to leave your own suggestions below.

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Looks like we got a bear in the air in Nick Florence, boys. (Cal Sport Media via AP Images)

• While you were lolling. We’re still at that honeymoon stage where we’ll watch anything remotely resembling college football, even if Kentucky’s school commercial did run immediately before the Wildcats dropped a pass and fumbled on consecutive plays. Louisville triumphed in this early rivalry game, 32-14. [BOX | RECAP] In evening action, Baylor walloped SMU, 54-29, with a 341-yard, four-touchdown passing performance from RGIII successor Nick Florence. [BOX | RECAP]

• We have a vote for a thing! Some nice people with unsound judgment have given us a vote in this year’s FBS Independent Players of the Week awards. Week 1′s top vote-getters: BYU quarterback Riley Nelson, BYU tight end Kaneakua Friel, Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o and BYU punter/kicker Riley Stephenson.

• Please secure your homes against an incoming barrage of Apollo 13 jokes. We may have called Ohio beating Penn State correctly, and UTEP putting a scare into Oklahoma, but that just makes our first really big Inevitable Wrong Thing all the more potent, doesn’t it? Houston, our pick to win C-USA if UCF is ineligible, got dropped 30-13 by Texas State (that’s Texas STATE, yes) on Saturday, and this morning the school announced offensive coordinator Mike Nesbitt’s resignation. Cue Louisiana Tech sports information, with the Stat of the Week:

@siholly So far this season Louisiana Tech has faced/prepared for three offensive coordinators and played zero games. Stat of the week?

— Patrick Walsh (@LATechPWalsh) September 3, 2012

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Tyler Bray attempting a quarterback sneak went about how you’d imagine it would. (AP)

ATLANTA — One data point is almost worse than none, honestly. We’ve said all summer that we don’t know what to make of this Tennessee team, thanks to a 2011 season rendered almost entirely useless for data-collecting purposes by injuries. After seeing the Vols conquer North Carolina State 35-21, we still know practically nothing, and Derek Dooley will be the first to point that out. [RECAP | BOX SCORE]

“It’s one game,” Dooley said. “All that matters is we’re 1-0, and we have to clean up a ton of mistakes.”

That to-fix list surprisingly contains no interceptions from junior quarterback Tyler Bray, who displayed some wonky mechanics at times but played a fairly clean game with big results, completing 27-of-41 passes for 333 yards and two touchdowns. What could have been a third touchdown, depending on where you were sitting in the stadium when Bray attempted a poorly considered quarterback sneak, was ruled a fumble in the waning seconds of the first half.

Tennessee did put one looming question to rest Friday night, in the matter of Da’Rick Rogers’ recently vacated Z receiver position. Juco import Cordarrelle Patterson blew past All-America corner David Amerson for the game’s first score three-and-a-half minutes into the game and added another touchdown on a 67-yard end-around in the first quarter’s final minute. Patterson had six catches for 93 yards and 72 yards on the ground. Dooley, sticking to this one data point, assessed Patterson thusly: “He’s big and fast and can catch the ball.” We cannot argue with his logic. Justin Hunter, in his first game since tearing his ACL in Week 3 last season, had nine catches for 73 yards.

Amerson would be outmatched again in the first quarter, losing out to Zach Rogers on a 72-yard touchdown catch that set off a 16-point Tennessee scoring burst (touchdown, safety, Patterson’s scoring run) to end the period. Asked after the game if he felt he’d been targeted, the 2011 national interceptions leader agreed, “I guess you could say so.”

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Just try and tell us there’s not a hand turkey drawn on there somewhere, Tyler Bray. (AP)

Tonight in your living rooms and on your laptops: Two storkish quarterbacks, two stone-faced coaches and a reason to watch San Jose State besides geography, for once.

The opening act

7:30 p.m.: Tennessee vs. NC State (ESPNU). All summer long, we have pointed to the likely length of this game as its greatest attraction factor. Between Tyler Bray, Mike Glennon and the recent history of both teams’ ground attacks, this first game in the Georgia Dome could easily stretch until Auburn and Clemson faithful begin setting up their Saturday tailgates.

The natural matchup to watch tonight is the Vols’ aerial offense against State’s secondary. Of the two combatants, Tennessee’s passing game gets more attention on account of Justin Hunter, the highly publicized departure of Da’Rick Rogers and Tyler Bray being Tyler Bray. But SEC types remain unfamiliar with Wolfpack cornerback David Amerson at their own peril: The junior in the No. 1 jersey led the nation in interceptions last season, and will presumably be dogging Hunter all night long. For added flaky layers of uncertainty, Hunter’s game tonight will be his first since tearing his ACL in Week 3 against Florida last year; Rogers replacement Cordarrelle Patterson is a brand-new juco transfer, and tight end Mychal Rivera is recovering from an ankle sprain. Oh, and State dings its own depth by holding senior cornerback C.J. Wilson out of tonight’s action with an unspecified “eligibility issue.”

Look at us, building this up to be a shootout. After last season, which was almost entirely useless for data-mining purposes, we’re uncomfortable betting on Tennessee either way. For all we know, Rajion Neal could have a breakout game at running back for the Vols behind a solidified offensive line, Mustafa Greene could blow up for the ‘Pack after missing all of 2011 due to injury and this thing could finish 21-20 on a special teams facepalm.

We suspect not. But we’ve been wrong before, and will be again. We’ll also be in the Georgia Dome tonight to find out in person.

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Umm, it’s called the Football CHAMPIONSHIP series for a reason. HelLO. (AP)

• Think we’ve solved this thing. The entity we are apparently still insisting on calling the FCS wants to rebrand itself, and is endeavoring to do so with the NCAA’s help:

CAA officials are not revealing the cost of the plan, nor do they want to end the suspense by releasing a recently completed consultant’s report.

But it’s about more than just a name, NCAA spokesman Damani Leech said. ”There’s other things related to branding. There’s the strategy behind it. There’s the actual messages,” Leech said. “It’s more than just what you call yourselves, but it’s what you say about yourself and how you talk about yourself.”

For free, we will now fix this problem: Return to I-A and I-AA. AA is, like, a whole ‘nother A, you guys. Americans are not super great at applying basic math to real-world problems. Ride that. In many high school football systems, a greater number of A’s affixed to one’s team signifies a larger program.

Act larger. Swagger taller. Send your best teams to the Sugar Bowl and demand they take the field. Based on our previous experiences in the Superdome, it is entirely possible this might be allowed to happen. Your destiny is exactly that: yours.

• And now, the weather. From the “Tropical Storm Isaac, College Football And You” Department: Tulane moves the Green Wave to Birmingham to ride it out; LSU has closed school today and tomorrow with Saturday’s opener with North Texas still planning to go ahead, and last we heard from Louisiana Tech, the Bulldogs and Texas A&M were still scheduled to convene in Shreveport Thursday night.

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• This is what you’re missing if you’re not following Herb Hand on Twitter. What is it with offensive line coaches associated with Vanderbilt? Hand has yet to mention turkey insemination practices in any of his public appearances, but in popping up on video doing the worm for a meeting room full of hollering student-athletes, he proves himself an able successor to the charms of Robbie Caldwell.

• A felicitous Athletic Director Shufflemas to all. Clemson AD Terry Don Phillips is reportedly retiring, while Arkansas State’s is being “reassigned.”

• We are confident this is the last we will hear of this story. Former Penn State players would like to appeal Penn State’s sanctions, please. NCAA: “The Penn State sanctions are not subject to appeal.” Moving on! Read More…

NASA at the moment of “touchdown confirmed.” twitpic.com/ag2g8o

— Andrew Kaczynski (@BuzzFeedAndrew) August 6, 2012

• ROLL DAMN MARS. NASA’s Curiosity rover landed on Mars in the wee hours of Monday morning, and if NASA is calling it a “touchdown,” it means we need to start asking the obvious questions:

@siholly How fast you think Eddie Lacy can run on Mars, Paaawwwwllll? I’ll hang up and listen.

— Cory McCarty (@crmccarty87) August 6, 2012

You can read more about Curiosity (and see a gallery of photos already beamed back from Mars) at NASA.gov.

• Clemson now, if possible, even more infuriating to bet on. Dabo Swinney told assorted media types in Greensboro last month that star receiver Sammy Watkins was working through a laundry list of penances following his May arrest for drug possession, and that he hoped to have a decision on any in-season punishments by the start of fall camp. Friday night, the school announced Watkins will sit the first two games of the 2012 season. This will sideline the Tigers’ star receiver for the trip to the Georgia Dome against Auburn, and a decidedly less daunting contest with Ball State. Watkins will get some warm-up action against Furman in Week 3 before the team travels to Tallahassee on September 22. Read More…

Lovingly curated light reading to speed you through your Friday. 

• This has even less to do with football than usual, but just try not to have a good afternoon while grooving down to Bob Ross. We dare you. (And if that doesn’t work, might we suggest #bearcam? [Via.]

• “SMU Athletes Accuse Prostitute Of Burglary.” Now THAT is a clickable headline. Read on!

One of the players, identified as Uchenna Nwabuike, told police he believed the person responsible for the thefts was an escort. The linebacker from Missouri City went on to tell authorities that he had, “made a deal with the suspect to have sex with her for $50.”

In the police report, Nwabuike admitted that, “he did not pay the suspect for the acts that she performed” and left the woman in the home alone while the players attended the banquet.

Top-to-bottom sterling decision-making here.

• Tempted the wrath of the whatever from high atop the stadium. Was it just two weeks ago that we were lamenting the maturation of Tyler Bray? He was a lot more fun to interview back when he was flinging touchdowns and flatly admitting he had no idea what plays he was supposed to run. But every time we’ve seen him this year, it’s been leadership this and footwork that. And so it was that we saw this video, and giggled at the Bray-and-blonde subplot, and wondered vaguely if the UT athletic department was needling fate. SURE ENOUGH, hours later: Reports of Bray winging beer bottles off an apartment balcony. Derek Dooley, naturally, responded: “Obviously his accuracy is not where it needs to be. He missed the trash can.”

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The Volunteers are looking to outrun the actual and metaphorical storm clouds gathering over Neyland.
(Holly Anderson/SI)

Man plans, God laughs

Tennessee’s Derek Dooley estimated at last summer’s SEC Media Days that he’d be taking the field in the fall with a roster composed of 70 percent freshmen and sophomores. He’s got 19 returning starters for 2012, mostly juniors now. But is that a positive, given last season’s gutting, galling results? Dooley paused for a moment in his office on the afternoon of his third spring game as head coach of the Vols. “You know, that’s a good question.”

The Vols went 5-7 in 2011. Tennessee’s last 5-7 season, in 2008, followed a 10-win 2007 campaign and division title for Phil Fulmer. It was his second losing season in 16 full years as UT’s head coach, and it got him fired. Dooley is now 11-14 in two seasons on Rocky Top, where new university leadership thought a fourth head coach in five years might be a bit much. But in six years? Almost sounds reasonable in these impatient times, where coaches like Turner Gill are being canned two years into massive rebuilding projects like Kansas.  Three years is almost certainly not enough time in which to judge Dooley’s reign in Knoxville given the maelstrom of misery he inherited, but if Tennessee doesn’t turn it around on the field in 2012, it’s almost certainly all he will get.

“We’re not there yet,” Dooley told SI.com, tracing the scars on the Volunteers left by Fulmer’s ousting and Lane Kiffin’s subsequent bolting. ”But all those anchors are in the past. Between three head coaches in three years, five strength coaches in that short time, a change in the presidential level, a change at the athletic director level, the NCAA cloud hanging over our program, and of course all the attrition. It put us in a challenging position, but the good news is, that’s a thing of the past. We have a lot more maturity. We’re a little bit older.

“And sometimes, when you have a really bad season, there’s the embarrassment pushing you, of ‘We don’t want this to happen again.’”

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