We’re not calling B.J. Daniels old; old people don’t get 416 yards in a game. We’re suggesting he may be immortal. (AP)

Rutgers and South Florida play a single game tonight that makes up the entirety of your Thursday college football viewing schedule. We’re sure you have so many questions.

• What information do I, the discerning consumer, need to consume this game? The Bulls and Scarlet Knights kick off in Tampa’s Raymond James Stadium tonight at 7:30 p.m. ET. The game will be televised on ESPN.

• When do we get to start watching multiple games on weeknights again? Not until October, but Wednesday football starts up next week with Kent State at Buffalo. Will you be watching that game just to see if a Kent State player manages to punt or kick a ball out of the stadium? Or something like that, yes.

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It is immensely difficult not to like any football player named Munchie Legaux. (AP)

Pittsburgh and Cincinnati play a single game tonight that makes up the entirety of your Thursday college football viewing schedule. We’re sure you have so many questions.

• What information do I, the discerning consumer, need to consume this game? The Panthers and Bearcats kick off at 8 p.m. ET in Cincinnati’s Nippert Stadium. The game will be televised on ESPN.

• That is a fun word to say. What, Nippert? Yes! Nippert. Nippert. There is a plucky sensuality about it that I find alluring. The venue is billed as the “fourth-oldest playing site and fifth-oldest stadium in college football.” It also comes with a somber history:

During the season-ending clash with rival Miami (Ohio) in 1923, Jimmy Nippert sustained a spike wound injury and died a month later from blood poisoning. His grandfather, James N. Gamble of Procter and Gamble, provided the funds needed to complete the horseshoe-shaped structure, and the James Gamble Nippert Memorial Stadium was dedicated on Nov. 8, 1924.

• Wait, seriously, this is it for tonight? On television, if you want to watch major college football, yes.

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Ring in the season Thursday night with the Ol’ Ball Coach. (AP)

Today, we are all Littlefoot, and these are our tree stars. Tonight in your living rooms and on your laptops: Actual honest-to-Sutekh football and two of the most quotable head coaches in the game.

Prime time

7:00 p.m. ET: No. 9 South Carolina @ Vanderbilt (ESPN). The Gamecocks clumsily pantsed the Commodores last season, in an ugly 21-3 affair characterized by ill-timed penalties and turnovers. Carolina sacked Vandy six times and threw four interceptions. After the game, Steve Spurrier called the performance the best he’d seen from his defense before excoriating his offense (and himself).

This night, the Gamecocks are favored by a little less than a touchdown. The player to watch is Marcus Lattimore, responsible for two of the Gamecocks’ three touchdowns in last year’s game, who returns to game action Thursday night for the first time since tearing his left ACL against Mississippi State last October. After Lattimore recorded more than 1,200 rushing yards as a true freshman in 2010, the loss was was one felt not just by South Carolina, but by the sport. (The other player to watch is backup quarterback Dylan Thompson, for those of you who like to make friendly wagers at home on just when Spurrier will yank an under-performing quarterback for the unpardonable sin of Not Being Danny Wuerffel.)

The SEC East will have a tight division race this year, even if it’s just a race to lose to the West in the Georgia Dome this December. Is Vandy coach James Franklin the youngest master curmudgeon in college football history? Can he match snipes and scores with one of the game’s all-time crustiest curmudgeons? He couldn’t last year, but this is growing into a whole new Vanderbilt. Just ask Franklin. NO. ASK HIM. [disconcertingly unblinking stare] Franklin trash-talked the Green Bay Packers in a roundabout way in interviews this week. Aaron Rodgers’ younger brother Jordan is Vandy’s starting quarterback, a trivia tidbit that could become the new Brock Osweiler Is Tall if the ‘Dores can back up Franklin’s assertions.*

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Geno Smith and West Virginia face a must-win game against South Florida with a BCS berth on the line. (US PRESSWIRE)

• No. 22 West Virginia @ South Florida, 8:00 p.m. ET, ESPN: On paper, a couple weeks ago, this looked like fun. The conference’s top rushing offense and top passing offense, colliding in primetime! B.J. Daniels by land, and Geno Smith by air, in Tampa by the sea! Daniels, however, has a traitorous shoulder that’s decided to deprive all of us of our fun. He sat out last week’s Bulls-Cardinals tilt and will reportedly be a game-time decision tonight. If the way Skip Holtz handled this injury last week is any indication, don’t look to learn too much more from official school channels before kickoff.

What this will cost the Bulls: Daniels is the team’s second-leading rusher. They’ve still got Darrell Scott, but he’s only broken 100 yards once this season. That’s good news for the ‘Eers, who’ve been more giving against the run. In Daniels’ stead if he’s out: Sophomore Bobby Eveld, who’s played in about half the games this season, largely on mop-up duty. His first start came last week against Louisville, and he threw for 210 yards, a touchdown and a pick versus the Cardinals. He’s young, and WVU’s pass defense is stingy. Your mileage may vary.

The Bulls might find better footing in chasing down Geno Smith. USF has a sterling sacks and tackles-for-loss record, and the Mountaineers have struggled quite a bit to protect Smith properly. Will a personnel shuffle on the O-line during last week’s Backyard Brawl result in further success this week. All this seems to portend some scoring troubles for the Bulls if they can’t get Maikon Bonani in field-goal range and some smoother sailing for WVU’s scoring machine.

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Texas and Texas A&M will play their last game as Big 12 rivals on Thanksgiving. (John Albright/Icon SMI)

For the first time all year, this headline makes real sense. Your weeknight amuse-bouches:

• Tuskeegee @ Alabama State, 4:00 p.m. (ESPN): One of those fans who eschews pro ball entirely? Not loving this year’s NFL slate? You’ve got options, beginning with another one of ESPN’s weeknight FCS games, featuring the Hornets hosting the D-II Golden Tigers at Montgomery’s Cramton Bowl. The Tigers are overmatched but place a particular premium on defense; keep an eye on oft-injured ASU quarterback Greg Jenkins as he operates against the No. 14 scoring defense in Division II.

• Texas @ Texas A&M, 8:00 p.m. ET (ESPN): Bitter rivals get their shots in for good in this apparent last stand for a once-revered rivalry game. I asked an Austin-bred friend once what the deal was with this game, having never been. He fixed me with a steely gaze and replied, coldly, “Their women all look like they were born on the backs of tractors.” It’s like that. (I don’t actually know any Aggies who might be able to rebut; feel very free to fire back in the comments below. Get all that good hate purged out before the holidays.) Both teams are already bowl-eligible, if barely, and not destined for greater things this particular postseason, which leaves the stakes clean and stark: All-time bragging rights are on the line.

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North Carolina has been stingy against the run, but could struggle to contain Virginia Tech's David Wilson. (Cal Sport Media)

• North Carolina @ No. 9 Virginia Tech, 8:00 p.m. ET (ESPN): With just one loss to then-No. 13 Clemson, the Hokies have by and large rolled every team they were supposed to roll. But there have been some weird close games, namely East Carolina and Duke, and the Tar Heels do have a chance to hamper the Hokies’ top 10 ranking, if not their place in the ACC race. So, Tech better not look ahead to next week’s possibly division-deciding game with UVA. And while all that’s important, it’s extremely difficult to take a team seriously that has a transitive loss to Boston College, even if it’s had two weeks to prepare. It’s a personal weakness of mine.

Other, more sensible reasons why the Hokies should be fine tonight: UNC’s No. 1 tailback and best team weapon, Giovani Bernard, will be competing against the No. 13 rushing defense in the FBS. The Tar Heels have been stingy against the run, allowing just over 100 yards on the ground per game themselves, but this year’s Hokies have both national No. 3 rusher David Wilson to give them fits and an able outlet in Logan Thomas-to-Danny Coale should they need to lean on the pass. Finally, Tar Heels quarterback Bryn Renner has been a sad-clown sack target all the livelong season, and Tech is averaging over three QB takedowns per game. Tidbit you’ll hear the broadcast crew grind into dust tonight: Renner’s dad played for Virginia Tech! So he might have a mental edge! Or he might not! Do you think his dad still loves him? Let’s ask Craig James!

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David Wilson scored the game-winning touchdown against Georgia Tech last season, and he looked like this while doing it. (US PRESSWIRE)

• Ohio @ Central Michigan, 7:30 p.m. ET, ESPNU: This isn’t much of an undercard in advance of two primetime games where three of four teams are ranked. But you’ll consume it anyway, because you’re as sick for this stuff as I am. The Chippewas have three wins and the Bobcats sit atop the MAC East. On paper, it’s not much of a contest.

CMU operates this week without leading receiver Cody Wilson, which might be a tough adjustment for quarterback Ryan Radcliff and the Chips’ pass-first offense but for the sterling work last week of freshman Titus Davis. Their overly generous defense will be of greater concern against a Bobcats offense averaging more than 32 points per game. All-name candidate Tyler Tettleton and diminutive back Donte Harden should keep this one well out of reach.

• No. 10 Virginia Tech @ No. 20 Georgia Tech, 8:00 p.m. ET, ESPN: Who’s jacked to see the Coastal Division shake out a little? Whether ACC football is your particular brand of poison or not, the spectacle of a weeknight game between two ranked teams is one to be savored. As an added dramatic bonus, both squads have faced recent hits to their credibility as division powers.

The Hokies ride higher in the rankings than they might deserve, thanks in large part, no doubt, to Being Virginia Tech. Their one loss was a 23-3 kerflop against Clemson, which actually trails them in the Coaches’ Poll. They haven’t stumbled since, but picked an inopportune time, slowed by injury or not, to turn the ball over twice and let Duke hang 326 yards on a Bud Foster defense. But for four convenient Blue Devil turnovers and three missed field goals, VT’s last game before the bye might have turned out quite differently. The other Tech you’ll see tonight has seemingly righted the ship by dealing then-No. 6 Clemson its first loss before heading into a bye week of its own. That win stopped a two-game skid of road losses to Virginia and Miami.

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BC's Rolandan Finch had a breakout game against Maryland in Week 9, carrying 39 times for 243 yards and two touchdowns. (Tony Quinn/Icon SMI)

• Akron @ Miami (Ohio), 7:30 p.m., ESPNU: This is bad, y’all. Akron is 1-7 and the “1″ came thanks to playing VMI. The Zips suffered their closest loss to Central Michigan last week, falling 23-22 thanks to two failed two-point conversions. In their seven losses, they’ve been outscored 260-99. They are bad at running, passing, scoring, protecting the quarterback and defense. The RedHawks … have Zac Dysert. Ballgame. Just watch him play pitch-and-catch with freshman Dawan Scott for a half hour before picking your poison from the 8:00 games.

• Florida State @ Boston College, 8:00 p.m., ESPN: Projection: Also gross! Like Akron (and boy howdy, do you never want to be featured in a sentence that starts out that way), the Eagles have a win over an FCS team (UMass), and finally picked on somebody their own size last week with an unseemly win over a Maryland team in the throes of identity crisis. They’ve been defeated soundly by both ranked opponents they’ve faced, then-No. 8 Clemson and then-No. 18 Virginia Tech. They lost to Duke, and were wholly clocked by Central Florida. And now, although it’s a Thursday night game and things tend to get wacky, BC must welcome a Florida State team that has EJ Manuel back, on a short week, with bowl eligibility at stake. Gulp.

The good news, for the Eagles: Sophomore running back Rolandan Finch, who blew the doors off Maryland’s ground defense last week, has gained yards leaps and bounds over the past month or so. The bad news, of course, is the Seminoles’ fourth-ranked rushing defense and the fact that BC’s having a lot of trouble passing successfully, and even more trouble protecting the quarterback. Chase Rettig, I fear, is in for a reeeal bad night against a defensive front ranking third in the country in sacks. The longer BC can hold onto the ball via Finch, the longer it can keep it out of Manuel’s hands. But the way the ‘Noles have been marauding along the line of scrimmage lately, that may not be a reasonable hope.

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Quarterback Jacory Harris was knocked out of the game with a concussion when Miami faced Virginia last season. (US PRESSWIRE)

• Virginia @ Miami, 8:00 p.m. ET, ESPN: The Cavs and ‘Canes both sit at 4-3 overall, with Miami’s two conference wins to Virginia’s one giving it an edge for third place in the Coastal Division.

The Hurricanes mounted their first win streak of the 2011 season with back-to-back victories in Weeks 7 and 8, including last week’s stunner upset of Georgia Tech. They’re thisclose to being 6-1, having suffered a four-point loss to highly regarded Kansas State and a three-point crusher to Virginia Tech. The Cavaliers were the responsible party for the first half of GT’s two-game skid, besting the Jackets in Week 7. They’ve also been playing fast and dangerous with margins of victory, recording a six-point loss to a very good Southern Miss team but beating Indiana by three, Idaho (Idaho!) by one in overtime and the Jackets by a field goal.

On paper, the ‘Canes have the edge here. Virginia is scoring close to 35 a game, with Miami allowing just more than 21. Miami’s good for an average of 29 points per game, with Virginia allowing around 23. A look at common opponents favors the Hurricanes: Miami beat UNC 30-24; UVA lost 17-28, and the ‘Canes put a bigger hurt on the Jackets in a 24-7 win.

Don’t look for much aerial action from the ‘Canes’ worse-than-middling passing attack versus UVA’s top 15 pass defense. The Cavs are much more lax against the run, and Miami’s backs came on strong last week. Mike James, Lamar Miller and special teams accounted for all scoring in the upset.

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Things have not been going well for Arizona and UCLA of late. (Landov)

Weeknight amuse-bouches before the Saturday spread. Just think of UCLA-Arizona as a particularly pale and unappetizing sorbet.

• Bethune-Cookman @ Norfolk State, 7:30 p.m. ET, ESPNU: ESPN’s Thursday-night FCS series swings back to the MEAC this week to capture one of my favorite I-AA teams, the Bethune-Cookman Wildcats (afforded affection because their logo looks straight out of Stargate). They’ll have a difficult time on national television tonight though, I fear, as their opponents are the conference-leading Norfolk State Spartans, 6-1 and undefeated in league play. While the Wildcats do boast the FCS’ No. 25 offense, led principally by Isidore Jackson and Rodney Scott at running back, State has a slight edge in offensive production plus the country’s fifth-ranked defense. Cocktail trivia: Norfolk State kicker Ryan Estep ranks 10th nationally in overall scoring.

• Central Florida @ UAB, 8:00 p.m. ET, CSS: This game might be just the emotional turnaround the Knights need, and no fun at all for the downtrodden Blazers. Winless for all of 2011 thus far, UAB was blown out twice to kick off the season, put together two very close losses to East Carolina and Troy in Weeks 4 and 5, then backslid into decisive defeats against Mississippi State and Tulsa. It’s a bear of a schedule for a bad team: two SEC games, plus Houston, Tulsa and Southern Miss. But at least the Dragons have company at the bottom of the well: There’s every chance in the world UAB and FAU will both be winless when the Blazers and Owls meet Thanksgiving weekend.

The Knights are a different but at least relatively sunnier kind of sad. The defending conference champs were projected to repeat as division winners, and could still conceivably get back to the C-USA championship game. They’ll miss the worst of the shellings without Houston on their schedule, but SMU has already dealt them one conference loss, and Tulsa and Southern Miss could very well do them in. A two-game swing against the dregs of not just C-USA, but the entire country in UAB and Memphis might be just the ticket to get some quality practice reps in. Look for ballyhooed quarterback Jeff Godfrey to put on a show tonight, aided by backup Blake Bortles, inserted to good effect in last week’s ultimately losing effort against the Mustangs.

• UCLA @ Arizona, 9:00 p.m. ET, ESPN: From the “games that looked a lot better when we scheduled them” file comes this Thursday tilt of questionable quality. (While it’s no better than Craig James warrants, I have to ask again what horrific sin the excellent Rece Davis has committed to deserve a night like this.)

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