“If you prick us, do we not bleed? Probably not, but if you tickle us, do we not slap you with secondary violations? Totally.” — A real thing Mark Emmert said (AP)

By Holly Anderson

Heat death is based on the concept of entropy, which holds that disordered states are more stable than ordered states. We experience entropy in real world examples like a glass window being easier to break than to reassemble or create anew. On the scale of the universe, complex systems like stars, planets and galaxies are the glass window, and the Australian physicists have found that supermassive black holes are breaking them faster than we could have imagined. — Popular Science, October 2009

Even by the grimmest estimates, the heat death of the universe is still uncountable centuries from occurring. Rest easy, however, in the equally grim assurance that when that dark, cold day winks out, Miami and the NCAA will still be swapping barbs:

The NCAA’s enforcement staff responded to Miami’s claims and harsh criticisms of the NCAA by lashing back, claiming that UM is “grasping at straws” in an attempt to disqualify members of the enforcement team and that it is “offended” by Miami’s insinuations in regards to the case. — Bruce Feldman, April 2013

Of all the parties we never thought we’d have to remind that It’s Not Called Feelingsball.

We get nervous when Nike gets involved with classic college football brands. We like Penn State’s uniforms, Alabama’s uniforms, simple two-color get-ups with clean lines. We’re curmudgeonly like that. But there’s not much we like better than diving into press releases Nike puts out after coming up with new fonts, so let’s unpack Georgia’s new look:

Here's a look at the football jerseys with the Bulldog Bold font. http://t.co/wbjFjWN2A7—
Georgia Bulldogs (@UGAAthletics) April 02, 2013

Here’s what they have to say about it:

The letterforms are sturdy and powerful drawing inspiration from the bulldog’s anatomy as well as perhaps the most notable North Campus fixture — The Arch. The famous cast-iron Arch, has become the symbol of the University of Georgia, and was installed in the 1850s, when the front of the campus was enclosed with an iron fence. The Arch was patterned after the arch on Georgia’s state seal.

Right, except you know what’s sturdier and powerful-er? Block lettering. Why is Boise State the only team that looks good when it veers away from block numerals? Everybody else who tries it looks cartoonish, and this is no exception.

And here’s where the trouble really starts:

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Monday on TODAY…Jerry Sandusky speaks out, for the first time since he went to prison.—
TODAY (@todayshow) March 22, 2013

Right. Here is a whole bunch of stuff you can watch on Monday morning instead of this:

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Look at that video! Look at how good he already is at standing still and smiling while real and manufactured gusts of wind buffet his loose clothing!

Kind of a slow Monday, sporting-wise, which frees up your afternoon nicely for reading this batty booster email concerning Kliff Kingsbury’s “image.” You absolutely must read the whole thing, but we cannot resist a couple choice excerpts:

• We place his nickname..GQ, Hollywood, Swagger..(we talk to him and see what we can place) we need to dial in Kliff’s style and hammer it as a the “cool kids” here at Texas Tech.

• I sent him Kliff’s pics. He said he would help me put Kliff in what on trend for his style…and more importantly body type. If he puts his signature on Kliff, then Kliff also gets introduced to the Hollywood A-list. He will then assign a stylist to Kliff for season review and help.

• End point: By year two….I want Kliff on a cover of national magazine. I want him invited to bigger events in LA and NYC. Oscars, Grammys, ect.

You know, Kliff Kingsbury, who’s already drawn articles like this out of the local press since his elevation at Texas Tech, and who’s already referred to as a GQ model by his peers. That guy’s screaming for an image makeover. We’ll allow a pillar of the Hollywood A-list to retort for us.

Helpful suggestions for this makeover, via Your Friend The Internet, after the jump:

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“There’s this guy in Alabama, I think his name is Nicky Satan, you guys’ve probably heard of him before. I’m gonna outwork him. I’m gonna outwork him, and that’s kind of our plan every single day.” – James Franklin

So this is how this works: We see the above video and we ignore it, for three reasons: First, we have this pathological aversion to a particular strain of message-board speak, whose devotees find the height of humor in spelling USC with a dollar sign in the middle, or Texas with a lower-case T, or calling the former Florida and current Ohio State head coach Urban Cryer like that’s a thing. This kind of stuff has power to repulse us beyond any reasonable capacity, and we don’t really care to explore why, so we steer clear of it.

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