Given the general demeanor of Clemson’s mascot, we’re kind of surprised that’s all they found in the beer. (AP)

By Holly Anderson

Pertinent excerpts from this AP report on a Clemson study of the dangers of beer pong:

• “More research found that dangerous bacteria such as salmonella, listeria, e. Coli and staph on the balls end up in the beer when players make successful tosses into glasses.”

• “The students found the most extra bacteria — 3 million of the tiny organisms — on balls being used in an outdoor beer pong game. A ball being used in a game played on carpet had 200 bacteria on it.”

• ”It’s about the competition of throwing a ball in a cup, not about the alcohol,” Gains said. “We actually threw away a considerable amount of beer at our last tournament.”

The Ragin’ Cajuns retain their hold atop the finest spring game destination leaderboard. Bring us back one of those “IN HUD WE TRUST” koozies. (AP)

As we learned last year in Lafayette to our fattening benefit, getting fed at Louisiana-based football activities is one of the highlights of spring ball. It’s also an easy-to-master process:

1. Show up

2. Walk around until you find somebody with a crawfish pot

3. Be offered crawfish

4. Repeat

The Ragin’ Cajuns don’t play their spring game until April 20 this year, which should give you plenty of time to condition your stomach linings against whatever hell your mouth intends to rain down on them. Your training regimen begins tomorrow in Monroe, with Super Warhawk weekend. We are told friendly feeders are just as easy to find here. But should you find yourselves at the Warhawks’ spring game festivities sans pals with boiling proclivities, despair not: The school is offering its own officially sanctioned crawfish boil for $25 a head at the alumni center, starting at 12:30 p.m. Diligence in conditioning now will yield true tailgating greatness this fall.

Happy Tailgating Tuesday, which is not so much “a real thing” as an excuse to post a picture of Bully. (AP)

• Early frontrunner for quote of the offseason, right here. “The only money you’re allowed to spend on the recruit cannot be used in the strip club. Diamond or the Twerk Twins might not care what money you contribute to their hairstylist. The NCAA or the state of Florida might.” Thanks, Miami Herald!

• If they just left it as a giant gaping crater, it could represent the SEC East’s recent record against the West, PAAAOWL. Atlanta’s new College Football Hall of Fame is officially under construction, scheduled for completion by fall of 2014.

• Coach-hirin’ season! On the West Coast, Mark Helfrich has imported Matt Lubick from Duke to serve as Oregon’s passing game coordinator. Back east, Virginia loses offensive coordinator Bill Lazor to Chip Kelly’s NFL staff.

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Tajh Boyd displays fierce jazz hands and passing acumen. (AP)

• No. 14 Clemson 42, Wake Forest 13. Where to begin: Clemson’s Tajh Boyd set school records for single-game passing yards (428) and touchdown passes in a half (five). That also ties his own single-game touchdown passing record, which he shares with Cullen Harper. Each scoring pass was thrown to a different receiver. Sammy Watkins caught balls with a vengeance, if that’s possible, setting a program record for single-game receiving yards (202 on eight catches). And we may have already sourced the Deacs’ primary error, which is quite correctable: Y’ALL S’POSED TO BE TURNIN’ LEFT IN THAT THING. [BOX | RECAP]

• No longer technically under our purview, but …  Former LSU teammates Tyrann Mathieu, Jordan Jefferson, Karnell Hatcher and Derrick Bryant were arrested yesterday on drug charges after officers were summoned to Mathieu’s apartment complex pursuing a complaint that “a man [was] attempting to force his way in to the complex through a security gate.” (The interloper in question was Jefferson, if any of you have any remaining jokes you’d like to burn off about his abilities against other kinds of defenses.)

• Now here’s some sunshine. “Head coaches in football and basketball will be held directly accountable for NCAA rules violations by members of their coaching staff in radically new legislation that is expected to be adopted Tuesday by the Division 1 Board of Directors,” and it just gets spicier from there. Our pal and former colleague George Schroeder has more.

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• Baby Mangino, you had a hell of a run. You achieved internet glory and are surely a robust and take-no-prisoners schoolchild by now. We wish you all the best, and must now pass your mantle to another:

Best Halloween costume ever #ThrowbackThursday #kstate twitpic.com/b59y5x

— D. Scott Fritchen (@DScottFritchen) October 18, 2012

• No. 2 Oregon 43, Arizona State 21. Stewart Mandel took in last night’s carnage in Tempe:

For exactly three plays Thursday, No. 2 Oregon looked mortal. On second down of the Ducks’ first possession, the quarterback fumbled. One play later, Arizona State quarterback Taylor Kelly threw a 28-yard touchdown.

“I don’t know if there can be a worst start,” said Oregon defensive coordinator Nick Aliotti. “And then we decided that maybe, possibly we wanted to play today.”

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• Catlab. For the moments of your lives. Frank Solich and Rufus star in a Wednesday dance break that could only have come from catlab.

• Devon Walker update. And now for something completely serious: a hello from Walker himself. ”Thank you everyone for your prayers and well-wishes. This has been so hard on my family and friends. I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am for your generosity and support. I especially want to thank everyone who sent cards and letters. I read each and every one. They give me the inspiration to keep on pushing. Your words of encouragement are helping me so much. Thank you also to those who organize, attend and contribute in countless ways to the many fundraisers being held in my honor. I am truly blessed. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. — Love You All, Devon Walker #18″

More from Walker and his family here.

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• Bleep, bloop, Buckeyes. Ohio State’s marching band did a video game-themed halftime show, and if you haven’t seen it yet, be reassured: Your Monday is made.

If your heart doesn’t skip a beat at their Tetris formations, we cannot be friends. Sorry. [Via.]

• To the business at hand. The polls are out! What to do when three top-five teams get knocked out in the space of a single Saturday, including No. 4 LSU? Rank early Tigers opponent Washington No.13, among other atrocities, if you’re Glenn Guilbeau. Full AP Top 25 is here; the Biased And/Or Willfully Disinterested SIDs’ Poll can be found here.

• Injury report story hour. Missouri’s James Franklin will miss the Alabama game with an MCL injury, which is good news for James Franklin’s limbs and less good for his teammates.

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Rashad Greene and other FSU return men, beware! Clemson’s long snappers will haunt you once every two years! (AP)

• A very specific part of the Clemson-Florida State series is haunted. We must share this email we received from Clemson sports information, because it’s too wacky not to pass along: “Clemson long snapper Phillip Fajgenbaum recovered a Florida State punt fumble in the first half. It set up a Clemson touchdown, helping the Tigers to a 21-14 lead at intermission. It was the first fumble recovery of Fajgenbaum’s career. What made it odd was that it marked the third straight trip to Tallahassee that a Clemson long snapper had recovered a Florida State fumble.  And those are the only recovered fumbles by  Clemson long snappers in the 21st Century. In 2010, Matt Skinner recovered a Florida State fumble on a punt return and in 2008 Charles Roediger accomplished the same feat.” Florida State special teams players of 2014: HEADS ON A SWIVEL.

• Other news of the weird in our inbox. Here’s a press release excerpt we bet the Big Ten didn’t count on writing this year: “Minnesota, Northwestern and Ohio State carry unblemished records into the beginning of conference play following wins last weekend…”

• Hey, Harvey Updyke’s back! “Updyke ran into trouble again last week when attempting to return a lawnmower to a national home improvement store in Hammond.” Harvey Updyke’s post-treeslaying life is going about how you’d expect.

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Assorted bests and worsts from the weekend that was:

Tino Sunseri: Making football things happen since RIGHT NOW, haters. (AP)

• Best gotcha. From Pitt’s sports information department: “Each of Pitt’s five wins over Virginia Tech have come against nationally ranked Hokie squads (No. 13/13 in 2012; No. 5/5 in 2003; No. 3/3 in 2002; No. 12/13 in 2001 and No. 19/20 in 1997).” In other news to make you question whether that blue you’re seeing is really blue, Tino Sunseri is your Big East Offensive Player of the Week.

• Worst portents. First, we offended a couple Twitter followers over the weekend with a lively animated GIF of Smokey’s hindquarters, so if your employer thinks dogs should always wear pants, do not click this link. Second, remember always that the gods of sport are capricious, and never, ever Tempt The Wrath Of The Whatever From High Atop The Thing:

Pastor leading Lord’s Prayer at Neyland Stadium skipped “amen” and went straight to “Go Big Orange!”

— Mark Schlabach (@Mark_Schlabach) September 15, 2012

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