Mike the Tiger and a tiger shrimp: separated at birth? (Jennifer Abelson)

Come for the use of “menacing tiger shrimp” in a headline, stay for an LSU football allegory of startling clarity:

As summer approaches, fear and intrigue is building in south Louisiana over the latest menace prowling the waters of the Gulf of Mexico: the tiger shrimp. [...] The worry is that even more will be seen in the coming months, as last year’s stock may have exponentially reproduced. The shrimp, which have black and white stripes across their backs and tails similar to their jungle namesake, eat more and grow more quickly than native Gulf shrimp, prompting concerns they will out-compete the native shrimp for resources.

[Via @thecajunboy.]

Kenderius Whitehead, a class of 2012 defensive end committed to NC State, has some thoughts on blushing coach promises issued on the recruiting trail. As told to the AJC:

What is the funniest thing any coach said to you during the recruiting process? “The funniest thing that said is that they can get me to the league, to the NFL. That was pretty funny. It was a number of coaches that said that. It was funny because nobody can get me to the NFL but me and God.”

That’s remarkable candor and clarity for a high schooler. But man, are we all in trouble if we get to the afterlife and discover God’s more of a soccer fan.

[Via Blutarsky.]

Newly appointed Colorado State head coach Jim McElwain hopes to address a lack of depth at offensive and defensive lines. (AP)

Freshly-hatched Colorado State head ball coach Jim McElwain is afraid the Rams might have misplaced some wee linemen between couch cushions in and around Fort Collins football facilities. Hoping to plug holes in the lines for spring practices, McElwain is on the prowl for somebody — anybody — to step up from the student body.

Seriously, they don’t even necessarily have to be live bodies, or human, from the sound of it. So if you’re hoarding a pet bison on campus in anticipation of an eventual retaliatory prank against Colorado, step right up.

This from The Associated Press was priceless: “Specific height? Doesn’t matter. Particular weight? He’s not picky. The only requirement McElwain has is tenacity. Oh, and a valid student ID.”

Any students with earned credit hours in grittiness, gutsiness, or guttiness are also invited to attend, and soupçons of sticktoitiveness will be recorded in your favor.

And in all seriousness, CSU ranked 116th nationally in rushing defense, 114th in tackles for loss, 106th in sacks allowed and lost to UNLV last October. So bringing in guys who had nothing to do with that is not the worst idea we’ve ever heard.

Innumerable thanks to intrepid Twitterer @James_Bravo for alerting us to the existence of this 2013 linebacker prospect:

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Five-star tackle Andrus Peat headlines Stanford's terrifyingly fierce offensive line class. (US PRESSWIRE)

• “When you’re the first person in your family to graduate from high school, you don’t need to be sitting out.” Justin Taylor and family spoke to the AJC about Taylor’s decision to spurn Alabama’s offer of a grayshirt year and sign with Kentucky instead. The three-star running back and Atlanta native will look to infuse some life into a rushing offense that averaged just 124 yards per game in 2011.

• The SEC East resurgence comes not from the south, but from the sides. Andy Staples was on the scene in Nashville as James Franklin reeled in the flossiest class in Vanderbilt program history.

• “Urban Meyer can’t stop yawning.” An unfair excerpt from Stewart Mandel’s visit with the Urbz and his mighty crop of blue-chippers.

• They’ll breed. You’ll die. We legitimately fear the prowess of the linemen Stanford has landed.

• Go west, and north. Steve Sarkisian lost some in-state gems, but pillaged California in return.

• Jordan Payton settles! This counts as news at this point.

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Louisiana-Lafayette fans (and mascot Cayenne) celebrated the Ragin' Cajuns New Orleans Bowl win over San Diego State in style. (Icon SMI)

• Bowltyme! Important takeaways from the first three contests of the college football bowl season: Wyoming fans are people you want to party with. Louisiana fans, even more so. Maybe give Louisiana’s S&C coach a wide berth. Illegal stemming: It’s a thing! Penn Wagers: doin’ Penn Wagers things. A Cowboys extra point attempt very nearly triggered our long-standing “hit both uprights and the crossbar and you win the game” rule. It was the play of the day, until the last play of the night. And I know you’ve found yourselves wondering: Just how are these three contests like artisanal pork products? [Recaps: Temple 37-Wyoming 15; Ohio 24-Utah State 23; Louisiana 32-San Diego State 30]

• A souvenir football on every mantel: In non-FBS goings-on: Mars Hill’s Jonas Randolph is having a pretty good week. Pittsburgh State wins its second DII title in program history. Wisconsin-Whitewater captures a third consecutive Division III national championship. And the States of Sam Houston and North Dakota will vie for the FCS title in January.

• Fresh coaches, bought and sold! Amid speculation he might leave for the Pitt job, Paul Rhoads has re-upped with Iowa State. Reportedly out of the Akron and Southern Miss coaching searches, respectively: Pat Narduzzi and Kirby Smart. And take a minute today to read about the effect outgoing Iowa defensive coordinator Norm Parker had on one former player. And Gary Crowton will do … something … at Maryland.

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