Assorted bests and worsts from college football’s weekend that was:

Houston quarterback David Piland, seen in this 2010 photo motivating Southern Miss’ Octavius Thomas to grow Golden Eagle wings, is an operational death star. (AP)

• Pointiest pointsplosion. Louisiana Tech beat Houston 56-49 on Saturday and set a handful of NCAA offensive records in the process. We mentioned Saturday the game’s 1,293 combined yards of offense; here’s more of what putting teams like Houston and LaTech in the same place will do: Records snapped included most combined plays in a regulation game (209), most combined first downs (78), combined completed passes (87) and combined passes without an interception (129). Teamwork!

• Best innovation in tailgating technology. This R2-D2 keg hails from LSU, but you might have guessed that even if there were no caption and the photo were black and white:

@billisking r2d2 LSU keg twitter.com/whiskeydranks/…

— Zack(@whiskeydranks) September 8, 2012

• Best touchdown celebration. Chuckie Keeton, QB, Utah State. The kid who Almost Beat Auburn is now the guy who Really Did Beat Utah.

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• CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

Now if ever there was a trophy that should be traded in for tattoos, it’s the one Ohio State would get for winning division this year.

— Ralph D. Russo (@ralphDrussoAP) September 5, 2012

There’s no way will this end in heartbreak and bitter recriminations: “Even though Penn State and Ohio State are banned from playing in the Big Ten title game or a bowl as part of NCAA sanctions, both are still eligible to win the conference’s Leaders Division and receive a trophy this season.”

• Poor Nick Saban, y’all. Managing expectations is a long game, and for Coach Avert-Your-Eyes, that game is Whack-a-Mole. Two national championships in three years, but HE’S JUST GOT ALL THESE FEELINGS.

• “For Heller and Grahn, the story starts, improbably, with a longstanding question about bears.” How did the biology of bears affect Stanford football?

• “But this is the NCAA. ‘Glacial’ is a word that comes to mind.” CBS’ Matt Norlander preaches patience and reminds us that the UNC case is still a pretty long way from being any kind of over.

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• Important things first. We will get to the part featuring teams expected to finish with winning records and play in the postseason momentarily, but for right now, please just bask in the radioactive glow of a Kent State player recovering a fumble and taking it 58 yards in the wrong direction. The announcers aren’t really enjoying this thing as much as they should, so maybe mute this and have the same spirited discussion with your coworkers that we had in our living room last night: Who’s the best/worst here? Andre Parker, the disoriented runner? The Towson players who tackled him even though a muffed punt can’t be returned (even in the wrong direction)? Or Parker’s Kent State teammates blocking for his wrongward journey? We love all three equally. We missed you, MACtion. (Kent State did manage a win, 41-21.)

• No. 9 South Carolina 17, Vanderbilt 13. The 2009 South Carolina-NC State 7-3 slog remains our gold standard for queasy Thursday night openers, but this game was a valiant attempt to carry on that legacy. Andy Staples was on the scene, and writes from Nashville: “Did South Carolina look like a top-10 team in its 17-13 win at Vanderbilt? Not even close. Did the Gamecocks look like a team capable of competing for an SEC — and, using a logical leap informed by the results of the past six years, the national — title? Nope. Did South Carolina leave Vanderbilt Stadium 1-0 overall and 1-0 in the SEC East? Yes. For opening night, that’s enough.”

• BYU 30, Washington State 6. We expected Mike Leach’s unseasoned band to have a rough go of it in Provo. We did not expect Washington State to not be able to score a single touchdown. Stewart Mandel was there to take it all in: “The outcome shouldn’t be entirely surprising. BYU, perhaps unduly overlooked by preseason voters (the Cougars garnered just 10 points in the same Coaches’ Poll that ranked them 25th to end last season), trotted out a senior quarterback, Riley Nelson, who went 6-1 upon taking over the starting job last season, along with seven returning starters from a top 15 defense. Wazzu, nine years removed from its last bowl trip, started a senior quarterback, Jeff Tuel, who’s experienced seven wins in his career (most while injured on the sideline), and a defense that returned three of the front seven from last year’s 82nd-ranked unit.”

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Umm, it’s called the Football CHAMPIONSHIP series for a reason. HelLO. (AP)

• Think we’ve solved this thing. The entity we are apparently still insisting on calling the FCS wants to rebrand itself, and is endeavoring to do so with the NCAA’s help:

CAA officials are not revealing the cost of the plan, nor do they want to end the suspense by releasing a recently completed consultant’s report.

But it’s about more than just a name, NCAA spokesman Damani Leech said. ”There’s other things related to branding. There’s the strategy behind it. There’s the actual messages,” Leech said. “It’s more than just what you call yourselves, but it’s what you say about yourself and how you talk about yourself.”

For free, we will now fix this problem: Return to I-A and I-AA. AA is, like, a whole ‘nother A, you guys. Americans are not super great at applying basic math to real-world problems. Ride that. In many high school football systems, a greater number of A’s affixed to one’s team signifies a larger program.

Act larger. Swagger taller. Send your best teams to the Sugar Bowl and demand they take the field. Based on our previous experiences in the Superdome, it is entirely possible this might be allowed to happen. Your destiny is exactly that: yours.

• And now, the weather. From the “Tropical Storm Isaac, College Football And You” Department: Tulane moves the Green Wave to Birmingham to ride it out; LSU has closed school today and tomorrow with Saturday’s opener with North Texas still planning to go ahead, and last we heard from Louisiana Tech, the Bulldogs and Texas A&M were still scheduled to convene in Shreveport Thursday night.

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Illinois’ Tim Beckman called Northwestern “the team upstate” at Big Ten Media Days. (Reid Compton-US PRESSWIRE)

We’re watching from home as the Increasingly Inaccurately-Named Big Ten coaches assemble in Chicago for their annual carousel of preseason press conferences. Assorted highlights from the daylong media blitz follow. As with most media blitzes, not much was learned, but fun was had.

Given the wireless situation at B1G media days, you’ll probably never see this tweet.

— Tom Fornelli (@TomFornelli) July 26, 2012

Conference to conference, some things just never change.

• Big Ten Media Day MVP: Tim Beckman. First things first: We must inform you that Beckman now coaches football at Illinois. It is entirely possible that this fact has slipped your radar. Anyway, approximately half a dozen of Beckman’s staffers were spotted in State College yesterday, and some people thought that total was kind of tacky in terms of sheer volume. So Beckman took the stage today and made very sure everybody knew that Illinois assistants weren’t actually banging on the door of the football complex: “We were in State College, but we did not go on campus. We went to two establishments outside campus and called some individuals.” That is not why Tim Beckman is our Media Days MVP of Thursday, however. This is:

Q.  Can you talk about your renewed emphasis on Illinois’s game with Northwestern and why you chose to emphasize that game in particular?

BECKMAN:  Again, being around college football for my whole life, rivalries are something that make college football so unique. And even in the Big Ten, I’ve been in those big rivalry football games, and I think it’s something that you breed through your program. We call it the team upstate. And I’m not scared to say that. That’s the school we’re going to call it. We’re going to make it a rivalry and we’re going to make it a very, very important part of our football season.

Don’t make Pat Fitzgerald’s neck angry, Tim Beckman. You wouldn’t like it when it’s angry.  

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Isaiah Crowell's 2011 Signing Day announcement has yet to be topped, but should be an inspiration for all future recruits. (AP)

The fact that we’re still discussing Isaiah Crowell’s puppy-bearing 2011 Signing Day announcement a year later proves that, no matter what turns the running back’s career in Athens might take, the moment was a smashing branding success for the University of Georgia. This year’s haul of signing ceremonies has been light on pageantry, although one Mississippi State commit did involve an actual human baby in his announcement. So wags the world away. In a fit of wishful thinking, we got to fantasizing about blue-chip athletes swanning about campus with jars full of stinging insects and elite high school prospects piloting heavy machinery through school property, and before too long we had this list of schools whose commits we would very most like to see follow in Crowell’s footsteps and introduce a wee young mascot at their Signing Day ceremonies. Those  Top 25 teams are as follows:

25. Big Cat Schools. Your Wazzus, your FIUs, your LSUs. Perhaps unfairly dinged because there are just so many Big Cat schools, and if this becomes a trend we’ll soon have a Signing Day entertainment market saturated by baby lions and bobcats. Any LSU prospect bringing along a white tiger with purple eyes to match the Bayou Bengals’ latest Pro Combat unis, however, will receive an instant and much-deserved rankings boost. (This being LSU, we estimate this is at most three years from happening.)

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It wouldn't be the Little Caesars Pizza Bowl without a commemorative football adorned with this logo.

The 2011 Little Caesars Bowl is just a day away. We’re sure you have so many questions. We’re here to help. (For an Xs and Os breakdown, check out Matt Dollinger’s game preview.)

• Where will this game be played? Ford Field, Detroit, home of the Detroit Lions and host of the MAC Championship Game.

• When is it on television? Kickoff is scheduled for 4:30 p.m. ET on Tuesday, December 27. The game will be televised on ESPN.

• Whom does it feature? Current tie-ins match up the Big Ten and MAC, with an optional Sun Belt alternate.

• What about this year? Purdue and Western Michigan will gamely attempt to make some noise in a largely empty domed structure.

• Didn’t Purdue beat Ohio State? What on earth is it doing in this game? The Boilermakers also lost to Rice and finished 6-6.

• Might this be a game, then? It might! Western Michigan was very much in the thick of a highly competitive MAC this season, and fields the nation’s eighth-ranked passing offense. The Broncos do not care to play any sort of defense, which will perhaps bewilder an opponent used to Big Ten play.

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Freshman star Sammy Watkins amassed 95 all-purpose yards before leaving with an upper-body injury. (AP)

Snap Judgments from the Week 11 early shift. For swing Snaps, click here. For late Snaps, click here. For Andy Staples’ account from Penn State, click here. For a recap of all the Top 25 action click here, and for highlights from SI.comclick here. 

• No. 9 Clemson 31, Wake Forest 28: Kicker Chandler Catanzaro was the savior of the game and the clincher of the ACC Atlantic Division title for the Tigers, but he came perilously close to being the goat. Tied at 28-all with less than two minutes remaining in the game, the well-regarded Catanzaro missed a 30-yard field goal attempt. Quarterback Tanner Price got Wake out of its own red zone with an 18-yard pass to Cameron Ford, but his next two attempts fell incomplete, and after taking a sack on third down the Deacs relinquished control. Clemson’s Tajh Boyd was more precise in his targeting, and with seven seconds remaining, the Tigers were back in kicking range, if only just. Back came Catanzaro, with a 43-yarder that sailed true.

It’s just one of those years, isn’t it? One of those years where Jim Grobe puts together a Demon Deacons team good for a few scares and almost nobody realizes it until it’s nearly too late. Wake beat Florida State, played Notre Dame too close for comfort, and very nearly cost Clemson its Top 10 ranking today.

The Tigers were mauled by the rushing efforts of Brandon Pendergrass, who finished with 134 yards on 20 carries and two touchdowns. Considering the next-closest runner was Price himself with nine yards on nine carries, you can’t argue the the Tigers didn’t know where the ball was going. Boyd hauled them out of trouble but was vulnerable in the air, throwing two interceptions in a high-yardage outing. Of more immediate concern: The status of freshman phenom Sammy Watkins, who left the game after recording just 95 all-purpose yards with an undisclosed upper-body injury. [RECAP | BOX]

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Dan Persa (7) left with an injured shoulder in the second quarter, but Northwestern still pulled the upset. (AP)

Snap judgments from the Week 10 swing shift. For late shift Snaps, click here. For early shift Snaps, click here. For a review of the Top 25 action, click here. For game highlights from SI.com, click here.

• Northwestern 28, No. 9 Nebraska 25: Does it not make perfect sense, in this year of constant conference lobster-pot scrabbling, that the second Nebraska settles into the driver’s seat of the Legends Division (the Huskers have one conference loss and hold a tiebreaker over Michigan State thanks to last week’s head-to-head victory), it fritters it all away? On a failed onside kick? With ranked Penn State and Michigan and an Iowa team that’s suddenly looking tricky again on the slate to round out the season? Not a good look.

That the Wildcats managed the upset without the services of starting quarterback Dan Persa is even more damning evidence against the once-feared Nebraska defense. Persa left the game in the second quarter with a shoulder injury, and his replacement part Kain Colter put three touchdowns on the Huskers. Jacob Schmidt, Treyvon Green and Colter combined for 160 rushing yards, while Huskers star Rex Burkhead was held to 57, his second-lowest rushing total of the season and the first time since October 1 he’s failed to crack the century mark. Colter’s not exactly a pushover; he was Persa’s primary substitute during the first three weeks of the season and has seen playing time in four other games since, but it’s an adjustment for any team, and one Nebraska was utterly unable to capitalize on. [RECAP | BOX]

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Rex Burkhead rushed for two touchdowns and caught another against MSU’s normally stout D. (Cal Sport Media)

Snap Judgments from the Week 9 early shift. For swing shift Snaps, click here. For Stewart Mandel’s take on Joe Paterno’s historic 409th win, click here. For a recap of the Top 25 action, click here. And for highlights from SI.com, click here.

• No. 13 Nebraska 24, No. 9 Michigan State 3:  From Friday: “The Huskers are only better than average at defending the pass, but will have to be better than better to contain Kirk Cousins. In opposing possessions, the real story will be whether State’s second-ranked defense will be able to contain a Nebraska ground attack that’s just as potent as the Badgers’. How much luck did the Spartans need to win in Week 8, and has it run out?”

A bit, and yes, as it happens:

Cousins missed on 12 of his first 16 passes. He was intercepted on the Spartans’ first possession, was nearly picked off three other times and often threw into double coverage.

And the containment of Cousins was only the beginning of the Spartans’ tribulations this afternoon. State managed just 86 yards through the air on 11 completed passes (with 22 Cousins attempts) but found no refuge in the ground attack, gaining just 101 yards. The Huskers eschewed the pass almost entirely in the game’s early stages, with zero net passing yards recorded at halftime, relying instead on Rex Burkhead’s 130 yards on 35 carries. Burkhead recorded all three of Nebraska’s scores, running for two touchdowns and catching another from Taylor Martinez.

Discounted entirely as a legitimate outfit after that unfortunate Week 5 depantsing against Wisconsin, the Huskers now sit atop the Legends Division standings, with no competition ahead of them (Penn State and Michigan are the only ranked teams remaining in their November schedule) scarier than what they’ve already faced. [RECAP | BOX]

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