Nowhere does it say that Miami’s Donna Shalala DIDN’T write her statement while wearing these glasses. (AP)

• Donna Shalala, with the candlestick and maybe also an axe-gun, in the conservatory. Miami has received its NCAA notice of allegations! There’s an LOIC charge in there, and it’s phrased this way so frequently that we now think of it as The Dreaded Lack Of Institutional Control, like that’s its full name. Anyway, Miami president Donna Shalala has some thoughts, and is dispensing them with open contempt for the NCAA and its process. Here’s our favorite one:

Many of the charges brought forth are based on the word of a man who made a fortune by lying. The NCAA enforcement staff acknowledged to the University that if Nevin Shapiro, a convicted con man, said something more than once, it considered the allegation “corroborated”—an argument which is both ludicrous and counter to legal practice.

Followup reading: John Infante examines why a summary disposition in this case is an unlikely outcome. Read More…

Current NCAA mood: Screaming Sheep.

SPOILER ALERT: Please know up front that we are probably never going to see the end of the NCAA’s current Miami case, but one tentative step toward the end of the tunnel was taken on Monday afternoon, when the findings of an investigation into the NCAA’s investigation were announced. (BRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHM.) For those of you just joining us, the facts are:

In 2011, Nevin Shapiro, a former booster of U. Miami sports programs,
contacted the NCAA and made allegations that he had provided improper benefits
to U. Miami student-athletes. Over the course of the ensuing investigation, the
Enforcement Staff worked extensively with Shapiro and his attorney, Maria Elena
Perez, Esq. In the course of that relationship, Ms. Perez suggested to Director of
Enforcement Ameen Najjar that she could assist the NCAA’s investigation by
qualifying for practice in her client’s bankruptcy proceeding and using bankruptcy
subpoenas to compel depositions from witnesses who had refused to cooperate with
the NCAA. In return, Ms. Perez asked that the NCAA pay her for her work in
relation to the depositions.

Yahoo! is further reporting that vice president of enforcement Julie Roe Lach has been fired as a result of the scandal. You can read the full report here; we’ve collected our favorite bits of the story below, which we’ve rated on our patent-pending five-step Screaming Sheep Scale of Screaming Sheepiness:

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We’re really enjoying getting to post so many Sebastian photos this week. (AP)

• So, Miami’s having a pretty memorable week. What are we making of Wednesday’s revelation that the NCAA has to investigate itself over its investigation of Miami before it can get back to investigating Miami?

Miami president Donna Shalala: “I am frustrated, disappointed and concerned by President Emmert’s announcement today that the integrity of the investigation may have been compromised by the NCAA staff.”

Our own Stewart Mandel: “‘I’m very concerned about it,’ said Emmert. He should be. Just as the NCAA’s new, tougher penalties will hold head coaches responsible for violations by their staff members, Emmert is accountable for everything that transpires in Indianapolis. And despite his tough talk on Wednesday, Emmert’s leadership has never been more in question.”

SB Nation’s Robert Wheel: “The NCAA wants to have the privileges of government without any of the responsibilities of governing.”

Dana O’Neil: “On Wednesday’s conference call, NCAA president Mark Emmert said Nevin Shapiro’s lawyer was on the payroll but no one knew, which sounds an awful lot like lack of institutional control. Perhaps Emmert should give himself a show cause?”

Spencer Hall: “The NCAA is an absurd parasite clamped to the cerebrum of college athletics, impairing thought and turning smart people into gibbering zombies intoxicated by false virtue and real dollars. The dignified thing would be for the NCAA to close its own doors and rent their Indianapolis headquarters to a PF Chang’s.”

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We have at least three weeks’ worth of Sebastian photos on hand, in case this Miami story keeps dragging on. (AP)

Assorted newsy bits — of varying degrees of importance — you might have missed over the long weekend:

• Didn’t we already do this headline a week ago? ”Imminent” can mean a lot of things! In the cosmic sense, the NCAA’s investigation of Miami has spanned less than a fraction of an eyeblink, but here we are, riding on a human-speed space-time wave, just twiddling our bloggy thumbs until the ‘Canes’ notice of allegations drops. The latest rumblings, per Bruce Feldman, involve a very large book being thrown at ex-Miami and current Louisville assistant Clint Hurtt and other former ‘Canes colleagues. We’ll have more on this when we actually see the notice of allegations, unless we don’t see this notice of allegations, in which case we’ll be right back here next Monday writing a third variation on this same headline.

• And speaking of the NCAA: On the final day of the annual NCAA convention, the latest raft of changes — touted as an effort to streamline NCAA regulations — were unveiled. Your friendly neighborhood Bylaw Blogger takes a look at one proposal, regarding recruiting start dates, that was left out of the bundle.

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Have a touchdown pass, America. Bryn Renner has so many of them to spare at the moment. (AP)

• North Carolina 37, Virginia 13. That sure got away from us in a hurry, didn’t it? A 36-yard interception return by UNC’s Tre Boston late in the first half broke the game open at 20-10, and apart from a lone third-quarter field goal the Cavaliers would not threaten again. Bryn Renner wrapped up the evening with 29-of-36 pass attempts completed, good for 315 yards and three touchdowns. His favored target, Quinshad Davis, recorded 178 receiving yards on 16 catches, and Gio Bernard added 57 yards rushing and 47 receiving yards with one score. Erik Highsmith caught two of Renner’s three scoring passes. UVA is out of postseason contention but could still prevent Virginia Tech from going to a bowl with a win next Saturday in Blacksburg. [BOX | RECAP]

• This holiday season, give the gift of vintage sanctions. The COI has imposed a few additional penalties on Tennessee for violations dating from the Lane Kiffin era, which we’re only mentioning here because Dave Hart saying ”We will finally close the chapter on the prior actions of members of a previous football coaching staff,” very shortly before he creates a second coaching staff he’ll have to call “previous,” gives us the grim giggles.

• What a nice gesture from a nice person. Per a Kansas sports info release: “In an effort to send his 2012 senior class out with a fitting farewell, Kansas football head coach Charlie Weis is offering to foot the bill for all KU students seeking admittance to Saturday’s ‘Senior Night’ game versus Iowa State.” Kickoff is scheduled for 7 p.m. ET. No word on whether journalism students are included in the invitation.

• Shiny! The 2012 Nagurski Trophy finalists were announced Thursday. Still in the running for college football’s National Defensive Player of the Year: Jadeveon Clowney, Jarvis Jones, Dee Milliner, Manti Te’o and Bjoern Werner. Winner to be announced on December 3.

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• Expect to see this discussed in tonight’s vice presidential debate. Finally, an NCAA crackdown on the scourge of inartfully faked lens flares.

In addition to Instagram, coaches can’t use the Add-A-Kitty app. Altering the photo with a cat would make it a no-no: twitter.com/RazorbackRules…

— RazorbackRules (@RazorbackRules) October 10, 2012

• Hair news of vital importance. Here is a news release from Stanford that we feel compelled to reprint in its entirety:

STANFORD, Calif. – The mullet that once graced the head of defensive end Ben Gardner has returned.

“I didn’t want to bring it back, to be honest,” Gardner said. “I cut it last year after the final game of the regular season, and then we ended up losing the Fiesta Bowl. You wouldn’t believe all the crap I took from teammates blaming the loss on my lack of mullet.

“At the end of the day, they kind of convinced me they needed it. I brought it back for one more final hurrah. I’m going to keep it to the end of the bowl. Maybe we’ll cut it in the locker room after the game.”

So, just so we’re straight, the mullet was to blame for the 41-38 overtime loss to Oklahoma State and not Cowboys’ receiver Justin Blackmon?

“According to the other 100 guys in the locker room, it was my mullet,” Gardner contested.

Our very best wishes to Mr. Gardner in all his coiffure-related endeavors.

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We know. We KNOW, OK? We were over Gangnam Style and convinced no one would ever top what the Duck got up to on his day off. But Army’s offering comes awfully, awfully close. Cute kids! A real horse! Serious-faced cadets dancing with imaginary lassoes! A big-ass American flag! Party in the USA, y’all. We’re not sorry.

• WHAT IS THE LAMESTREAM MEDIA HIDING IN ITS HASH BROWNS?? A tweet we’re not going to bother to verify (because we’re having too much fun) blows the doors off yesterday’s blockbuster Wall Street Journal Waffle House report:

@nastinchka WSJ is wrong, BDS is .3 miles from WH. By road. It’s even closer as the drunk student stumbles #hasbrownnashnalchampeenshipPAWL

— Shane Givens (@2MuchUrAssuming) October 4, 2012

A cursory examination of a map of Tuscaloosa shows that if one is measuring from, say, the Saban statue, Alert Reader Shane may be onto something. More on this story as it develops.

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Unfamiliar with Wake Forest’s Michael Campanaro, currently a national top-15 receiver in yardage who is averaging more than 125 all-purpose yards per game? This video should fix that, indelibly. [Via @DHPIV.]

• Be warned, these people do make soup from frogs. TCU announced Tuesday that the Horned Frogs will play LSU in the 2013 season-opening Cowboys Classic. They’ll presumably face off in prime time, against Alabama and Virginia Tech in the Chick-fil-A Kickoff.

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• You heard the national champion Gopher women’s hockey team. “Do the Gopher!” they say. “Don’t mind if we do!” say we.

• Sadness and bitter recriminations roundup! Friends of the Program dives into Arkansas messageboardlandia … Wake Forest “wins” this week’s Spike Factor … shake it off, BYU … angry Memphian football types, you have been scorned by Notre Dame; please respond proportionally … and Colorado offensive coordinator Eric Bieniemy will move from the booth to the sidelines for the Buffs’ upcoming Washington State game; no word on how that will help Colorado avoid giving up more than the 69 points it surrendered to Fresno State.

• “Don’t lie to yourself, or to America.” Pat Forde breaks down the holy rules of field-storming.

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What wacky antics will Kent State football provide for our viewing entertainment this week? The answer may surprise you! (AP)

• MACtion, MACtion, we want some MACtion. Welcome, brothers and sisters, to the first of those glorious weeks of the 2012 season where there is only one day without football. That day is today, so once y’all stagger out of bed on short rest after last night’s interminable Monday Night Football game, put on your game faces. All evening errands must be run, all loved ones and pets reminded you are aware of their existence, all today. Tomorrow brings the first Wednesday-night MACtion of the year in the form of Kent State-Buffalo; Thursday is BYU-Boise State and Friday features Baylor-ULM. You wouldn’t want to disappoint the Warhawks by missing kickoff for a trip to the hardware store, now would you? You know how they get when they’re angry.

• In defense of not wanting one’s arm to fall off. The backlash to the backlash to James-Franklin-The-Player’s decision not to shoot up his shoulder and play against the Sun Devils is well underway in columnist circles; here’s the Post-Dispatch’s take.

• Assorted bowl updates of varying degrees of importance. Could the number of postseason bowl games be creeping up already? … the Orange Bowl wheels and deals … and UCF’s appeal of its postseason ban is official.

• Monteé Ball case update. Three people have been charged in the August assault of Monteé Ball; all are Wisconsin students.

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