Monteé Ball’s last name is also a football word, which should save us all some headline writing time once he finally breaks this record. (AP)

Saturday college football games of varying degrees of interest, grouped in highly subjective categories. For more preview content, visit Andy Staples’ Walkthrough.

• Biggest game with nothing riding on it: No. 6 Ohio State at Wisconsin, 3:30 p.m. ET. The Badgers already know they’re headed to Indianapolis, as the only other teams with fewer than three conference losses in the Leaders Division (the Buckeyes and Penn State) are ineligible for postseason play. But a win here would be the biggest [screw]-you moment for Urban Meyer since the 2008 Florida-Georgia game. And if you think Urban Meyer doesn’t live for [screw]-you moments, please see the 2008 Florida-Georgia game.

What is actually at stake: The NCAA all-time career touchdowns record, currently sitting at 78 and held by former Miami RedHawk Travis Prentice. Monteé Ball is one score away from tying and two away from breaking this record, and he has a chance to do both at home. He recorded 198 rushing yards and three scores last week against Indiana; if Ball does break the record, expect to hear the hollering in Madison as far away as Kentucky, and expect little bits of glitter to spew from this page. (Please protect your eyes accordingly.)

• Biggest game we feel like we couldn’t predict if our lives depended on it: No. 21 USC at No. 17 UCLA, 3:05 p.m. We have well established at this point in the season that even when relying on math and the best available logic, picking games is tricky work. It’s much more fun, and equally ineffective, to rely on factors like spite and cussedness and probably-imaginary-but-maybe-not-surefire jinxes to decide, particularly in rivalry matchups, which is why this weekend’s clash in the Rose Bowl scares the hell out of us. Some factors to consider: Whose coach to dislike (or grudgingly admire) more? Is it cosmically dangerous to even bring up that “football monopoly” talk at this point? Can we straight-up call this game for USC because keeping an opposing team’s costumed representative from poking one’s field with a sword is the furthest possible thing from a power move imaginable?

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Tuesday night not all right for the Ragin’ Cajuns. (AP)

• Arkansas State 50, Louisiana 27. Terrance Broadway completed 28-of-39 passes for 374 yards and three touchdowns, but also committed three of the Cajuns’ five turnovers during a highly non-competitive home-field rout. Red Wolves kicker Brian Davis accounted for a full 20 of Arkansas State’s 50 points, kicking five field goals and five extra points. Ryan Aplin had a 21-of-31, 269-yard, one-touchdown outing; Rocky Hayes and David Oku added 86 and 83 rushing yards, respectively. The Red Wolves improved to 3-1 in Sun Belt play.  [BOX]

• Excellent scheduling news. Our absolute favorite kind of scheduling story: Power conference showdown! Oregon and Ohio State have announced a two-year home-and-home series, to be played in 2020 and 2021.

• Roster blotter. Charlie Weis benches Dayne Crist … Clemson defensive back Jerrodd Williams, who’s seen playing time in six games for the Tigers on special teams, is done for the season after breaking his leg in Tuesday’s practice … Southern Miss moves on to its fourth quarterback this season, Arsenio Favor.

• Hey, here’s a neat lead. “The Missouri athletics department is tightening employee use of school-issued credit cards after an audit found a series of improper purchases, including bills for more than $7,600 from a Las Vegas strip club.” Stewart Mandel has already cut directly to the proper joke for this news, saving you all the trouble:

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas … unless you charge it to your Mizzou-issued employee credit card. arkansassports360.com/88085/mizzou-c…

— Stewart Mandel (@slmandel) October 23, 2012

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Assorted bests from college football’s weekend that was.

• Play of the week, offense and defense at the same time. Johnny Manziel, handing off to Christine Michael AND making a tackle. Johnny Manziel is a 7-on-7 team of his own design. We saw this happen in person and still didn’t quite believe it:

• Play of the week, miscellaneous. There’s something almost whimsical about the way this Minnesota helmet logo flutters away from the scene of a collision.

• Trick play of the week. Steve Spurrier’s fake visor toss. Diabolical.

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What wacky antics will Kent State football provide for our viewing entertainment this week? The answer may surprise you! (AP)

• MACtion, MACtion, we want some MACtion. Welcome, brothers and sisters, to the first of those glorious weeks of the 2012 season where there is only one day without football. That day is today, so once y’all stagger out of bed on short rest after last night’s interminable Monday Night Football game, put on your game faces. All evening errands must be run, all loved ones and pets reminded you are aware of their existence, all today. Tomorrow brings the first Wednesday-night MACtion of the year in the form of Kent State-Buffalo; Thursday is BYU-Boise State and Friday features Baylor-ULM. You wouldn’t want to disappoint the Warhawks by missing kickoff for a trip to the hardware store, now would you? You know how they get when they’re angry.

• In defense of not wanting one’s arm to fall off. The backlash to the backlash to James-Franklin-The-Player’s decision not to shoot up his shoulder and play against the Sun Devils is well underway in columnist circles; here’s the Post-Dispatch’s take.

• Assorted bowl updates of varying degrees of importance. Could the number of postseason bowl games be creeping up already? … the Orange Bowl wheels and deals … and UCF’s appeal of its postseason ban is official.

• Monteé Ball case update. Three people have been charged in the August assault of Monteé Ball; all are Wisconsin students.

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62% of the country is dead wrong on the most important question facing the nation this week. twitter.com/11W/status/240…

— Eleven Warriors (@11W) August 29, 2012

• PEOPLE. WE ARE A DAY AWAY. GET IT TOGETHER. In other wrongity-wrong map news, please enjoy playing “how many mistakes are in this picture” with this map of college football rooting interests (via @RedditCFB).

• And now, the weather. To yesterday’s list of teams affected by Hurricane Isaac, you may now add Louisiana Tech, which has moved its Thursday opener with Texas A&M to Oct. 13, and South Alabama, whose all-n00b debut versus UTSA will shift from Thursday to Saturday.

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Get well soon, Idaho football. The world is more interesting with you in it. (AP)

• In our dreams, this means they won’t be able to afford to fire Robb Akey, ever, and he and his magnificent moustache can coach in windswept Moscow forever. It probably won’t work out like that, but we had to look for some upside to Idaho going independent in football, didn’t we?

• Monteé Ball was still not in that fight. Bret Bielema is sorry to disappoint any Monteé Ball haters out there, but says that two other non-Monteé Ball players were involved in the scuffle that reportedly led to Ball being assaulted earlier this month, but that Monteé Ball himself was not. Monteé Ball. (We’re just doing some reps here to remember to type his name the new way.)

• From the “Things we never really expected to read” department: A Securities and Exchange Commission press release announcing fraud charges against Jim Donnan. Anybody else mistakenly think Barry Switzer would’ve been wilier than this?

• Florida State is back! No, for real this time! NO. FOR REAL. MAYBE?

• Sunrise, sunset. Another Rose Bowl. Yawn. Oregon ticket sales slumping is way sadder to us than Minnesota ticket sales flailing, for some reason. We have only been to Autzen twice, but feel very strongly that whatever happens there should be watched by as many people as possible for as long as it exists. (Also, DUCK ON A MOTORCYCLE.)

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Brady Hoke grapples with the shame of finishing his first year at Michigan with a mere Sugar Bowl berth. (AP)

• Can’t fault his logic. Summer is the most frustrating point on the college football calendar when it comes to parsing coachspeak for actual facts. Every team had a really great summer. Every team’s new strength coach has moved it light-years beyond last year’s benchmarks. Offenses are crisper; defenses are really hunkering down (while playing faster at the same time). And every program’s immediate and entirely attainable goal is to win a conference championship.

Brady Hoke, like everyone else in his profession, spoke along these lines when he first took the reins at Michigan last year. The Wolverines went 11-2 and won the Sugar Bowl. Those two losses were conference losses and cost them a shot at the Big Ten title. Hoke’s self-assessment, therefore, is that he failed in his first year. This is our favorite thing any coach has said in months.

Elsewhere in Wolverenia: The starting running back gig is publicly up for grabs, and the receiving corps is thinned for the moment following Roy Roundtree’s knee surgery.

• We return one more time to Friday’s well. Previously on INTEGRITY OF THE COACHES’ POLL: Lane Kiffin and USA Today got in a snit over his vote in their poll party. Today’s episode: Kiffykins gives no bothers, and doesn’t even want to be in your stupid Coaches’ Poll. While we’re all here, this is a fine time to argue over USC’s crime statistics versus UCLA’s.

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Wisconsin’s Montee Ball was the victim of an ‘unprovoked assault’ Wednesday morning. (AP)

Star Wisconsin running back and 2011 Heisman Trophy finalist Montee Ball was attacked by five men while walking down Madison’s University Avenue early Wednesday morning. The police incident report, obtained via UW press release, states that Ball was hospitalized for head injuries sustained after being thrown to the ground and kicked. The report further states, “It does not appear he knew his attackers and this is being investigated as an unprovoked assault.”

Bret Bielema released the following statement through UW’s Athletic Communications office:

“My concern right now is for Montee’s health and well-being. Montee has been released from the hospital and is under the care and supervision of our sports medicine staff. We will continue to evaluate him as we approach the start of fall camp this weekend. I do expect Montee to make a full recovery.”

Ball later tweeted to his followers:

I appreciate the support and thank you for the concerns.I will be okay! See you guys in September!#WiscONsin

— Montee Ball (@M_Ball28) August 1, 2012

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In the absence of Brad Wing, Robert Griffin III will have to do as Heisman Trophy winner. (Icon SMI)

• And then there were five, and one was III: Robert Griffin III is indeed a Heisman Trophy finalist, alongside Andrew Luck, Montee Ball, Tyrann Mathieu and Trent Richardson. The continued exclusion of Brad Wing from these lists is constantly upsetting. He’s not on our People’s Heisman poll either, but you can vote for some other nice young people.

• Fresh coaches, bought and sold: Add Greg McMackin to our Canned Coaches Cubby. (He wasn’t technically canned, but he’s gone, and I like the Spam connection.)

• In which Chris Petersen cops to the glaring problem with the Coaches’ Poll: “I know how I voted and I know what I’m trying to do, which is make the best case for Boise State to get in there, so I probably shouldn’t be a voter.”

• Penn State things: ABC News is reporting that eight alleged victims will testify against Jerry Sandusky. Meanwhile, does the headline “NCAA considers advisory role on abuse guidelines” make anybody else moderately uncomfortable, for the sole reason that the NCAA doesn’t seem very good at the jobs it actually does have?

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James White and the Badgers will look to grind it out against the formidable Spartans. (John Biever/SI)

Plot threads to track in Week 8. Competitive football games are going to be few and far between this weekend, so treasure these first four. 

• No. 4 Wisconsin @ No. 15 Michigan State: There are so many questions here, and somehow, not knowing doesn’t bother me. This is one of those games I’m just giddy to see unfold, and given the quality of most of the rest of the Week 8 matchups, this game could not possibly arrive at a more opportune moment.

We’re still very much getting a feel for what these two squads are made of; both have been beneficiaries of mostly easygoing early slates. The Badgers’ biggest test was against the overrated Cornhuskers, whom they thumped 48-17. From here on out they get the Spartans, a depleted Ohio State and a ranked Illinois team I still don’t believe is going to stay that way. Many of the same questions can be asked of the Spartans, whose caliber was all but unknown heading into last week’s ferocious game against Michigan. In the middle of their 2011 gauntlet they get this, Nebraska in Week 9 and then a downhill run to Indianapolis in December. The possibility that wrung so many hands when Nebraska joined could easily come to pass in the first year of a partitioned Big Ten: a rematch in the conference championship game.

On paper, it’s almost too perfect. A team allowing less than 10 points per game and scoring more than 50 versus a team allowing slightly more than 10 points per game while scoring almost 30. Looking at those numbers, it’s hard not to give Wisconsin the edge, but so many juicy what-ifs remain. Can the Heisman candidate quarterback slice and dice the country’s top-ranked pass defense? Can the Spartans contain Montee Ball as they did Denard Robinson? We’re not gonna know until we know, and I can’t wait to find out.

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