• Who are we to question alliteration like that? We haven’t been to Arkansas since 2009, but will be celebrating this holiday for no other reason than liking the name:

It is Woo Pig Wednesday!!! Wear your Razorback Red Today!#WPW

— Jeff Long (@jefflongUA) August 15, 2012

• Tennessee and UTSA, watch out. Bill Curry is expected to announce Wednesday that he will retire following the 2012 season, just shy of seeing Georgia State into the Sun Belt.

• We would like to go ahead and fulfill that Steele prophecy, if it’s not too much trouble. UCF’s stated goal in appealing its bowl ban is to “get this over with,” but is it winking? Bylaw Blogger thinks so.

• Mike Leach goes right to our heads. The first time we ever met the Dread Pirate, we spoke of nothing but sharks for 10 minutes. Here, he relates his own Shark Week tales. It turns out one should not chum waters in which one is currently standing!

• Condolences. Former Central Michigan standout Ontario Sneed has died at the age of 26, according to local news reports. Sneed was a top-10 all-time rusher and receiver for the Chippewas and had a name straight out of a Sherlock Holmes story. Our sincere best wishes to his family and the Central Michigan community.

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Lane Kiffin, seen here pondering the ineffable integrity of the Coaches’ Poll. Probably. (AP)

Lovingly curated light reading to speed you through to the weekend:

There are a couple things happening in Los Angeles right now that we’re going to sort of mash together here. See if you can keep up, because both tales are of vital importance to your very existence.

• The part where Jim Mora is all “LOL USC is full of murders” and then has to act like he’s sorry he said that. So UCLA’s new head ballcoach tried the white salmon trick on the radio, at the expense of his crosstown rivals. Here we have to go straight to excerpting the L.A. Times story on the matter because we don’t want you to miss a word:

Mora, discussing recruiting on the Roger Lodge radio show, said he makes a point to tell parents how safe it is at UCLA, noting, “We don’t have murders a block from our campus.”

The murder of two Chinese graduate students near the USC campus in April became international news. But Mora said Thursday that he was speaking only about the UCLA campus. “I just said our campus is safe,” Mora said. “I didn’t say anything about anyone else’s campus. I just said it about our campus. I didn’t mention another campus. We don’t have anybody getting murdered a block off of our campus.

“If anybody, whether USC or Cal State San Bernardino, is offended by the statement, then that’s their insecurity, not mine.”

Mora later delivered something at least remotely resembling an apology, although we are not precisely sure why he bothered. If you’re the guy who’s OK insinuating to parents that their sons might be murdered if they sign with the Trojans, and then bring up that recruiting tactic on live radio, at least stick the landing. Own that. (It’s also worth noting that we are absolutely certain this kind of gambit is employed in recruiting all over the country — but that you don’t hear those guys bringing it up on the radio. Ten points from Hufflepuff, J-Mo.) And, more importantly for internetting purposes, why on earth would you leave yourself open to the obvious and scathing retort?

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It’s easy to imagine NCAA president Mark Emmert gesturing to his face to explain how future minor NCAA infractions might be met by a court of a coach’s peers screaming, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?” at the offending party. (Getty Images)

Lovingly curated light reading to speed you through your Friday:

• That this bowl is imaginary doesn’t make its specter any less real. A 6-6 record appears likely to remain the bar to clear for postseason eligibility, and you can sort of see around the edges in these quotes to where people are thinking that hey, it’s all about the bowl tycoons raking in the cash while the kids rake in the commemorative keychains, right?

“Thirty-five bowl games can be a lot, but certainly those games provide an opportunity for a lot of student-athletes to experience the postseason,” Womack said.

All we ask is that all social media channels for any future bowls be run by the Florida Citrus Sports team.

• Slapping with trout added as penalty for butt-dialing. NCAA bigwigs are getting behind a new penalty structure, which will have four tiers of violations. We have helpfully named them for you: primary, secondary, tertiary and what’s-wrong-with-your-faceiary.

• Just an aborted attempt to helicopter Tee Martin off the deck of a cruise ship, no big deal. Lane Kiffin recounts USC’s madcap pursuit of Silas Redd.

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Jerry Sandusky was found guilty on 45 of 48 criminal charges. (US PRESSWIRE)

The last time we took a daylong car ride, Jim Tressel resigned. The time before that, USC’s NCAA sanctions came down. It should come as no surprise, therefore, that our spending four days in a car last week triggered a blockbuster breaking news moment: Craig James announcing that he won’t be returning to ESPN for the 2012 college football season. According to the Houston Chronicle, James “has been contacted by other networks to gauge his interest in returning to TV,” but the one with most of our football on it will be free of his vacuous presence. Glory be. Just keep a repatriated Darren Rovell off GameDay and we’ll all have a fine and jolly autumn.

In decidedly less funny and markedly more important news: Jerry Sandusky is going to jail for a very, very long time. We haven’t done much talking about this case here, because we find alternating between serious discussions of sexual abuse and photos of college athletes enjoying pedicures to be uncouth and weird. We subsist on jokes in the offseason, but not on these jokes. Some people disagree. That’s their absolute right, but we’re with this guy. We also have the utmost respect for those with the stomach to cover this story, and do it well, including SI’s Luke Winn.

Back to what we’re better at. Items of interest from our week off that we cannot let pass without comment:

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Lovingly curated bits of light reading to speed you through to the weekend:

• A hit, a palpable Hokie hit. Boston College blog BC Interruption goes logo-trolling, with splendid results.

• Jock exams. Andy Staples takes the NCAA rules test, discovering that “An institution may send an institutional postcard, provided its dimensions do not exceed 4 1/4 by 6 inches, it includes only the institution’s name and logo or an athletics logo on one side when produced and it includes only handwritten information, (e.g., words, illustrations) on the opposite side when provided to the recipients,” and maybe learning a little something about life along the way. [banjo twang]

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Here’s the bear I got the other day.Hunt will be broadcast on the Outdoor Channel (not sure when).Measured 7’4″. twitter.com/Coach_Leach/st…

— Mike Leach (@Coach_Leach) May 20, 2012

Good morning! Here is Mike Leach with a seven-foot bear. We could probably convert this into a Mike Leach Doing Mike Leach Things blog without too much trouble. It’s May, so we’re halfway there already.

Mike Leach, leader of men and dispenser of wisdom. (AP)

Mike Leach took your questions Monday afternoon on Reddit. If you’d prefer not to wade through the massive volume of reading material that session spawned, we’ve collected a few of our favorite responses below.

• What made you decide to go with the spread offense before pretty much anyone else was using it? 

We borrowed from the wishbone because they were good at distributing the football to all of the different skill positions. Then we spread it out so we could attack the whole field. When it comes to football, you have three resources: time, space, and personnel. You want to use all of them as effectively as possible.

• Was 70 really necessary?

Ask Nebraska that … they have done it to others for years! Also, I was thinking about the 63 they put on me the first season we were at Texas Tech!

Seriously though, you have an obligation as a coach to coach your team to play to the best of their ability. Your backup players deserve the opportunity to go out and make plays in a game as well.

• I’m a Freshman at Washington State and I’m new to Pullman. I’ve got a first date with a girl and I was wondering if you might have some recommendations?

First take her to CDs Pit House BBQ in Moscow, ID. If she will get her hands dirty with some great BBQ, you will know you are on the right track! 

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I will be doing an AMA on Reddit tomorrow at 12pm Pacific.I don’t know what Reddit is, but I’m looking forward to it!

— Mike Leach (@Coach_Leach) May 7, 2012

It’s real, and it’s Mike Leach, so bet on it being nothing short of spectacular. In a weekend chat with the Omaha World-Herald, Leach covered halibut, TV lawyers and six-toed cats; just imagine what yarns he’ll spin presented with a virtual roomful of devoted pirate aficionados. Some early favorites:

You’ve coached some of the most prolific college QBs in history, yet they have had limited success at the next level. What are your thoughts on “system” QBs translating to the NFL?

Your known as the mad scientist of college football (drinking coffee in Texas!) and a brilliant offensive coordinator, so what play call sticks out in your mind as the worst you made?

Which Big 12 team was your favorite to play? Least favorite? On a possibly related note, is Bill Snyder really a sorcerer?

You can submit your questions here; proceedings theoretically get underway at 3 p.m. ET.

Legendary coach Barry Switzer is the patron saint of Campus Union’s college football awards; Dana Holgorsen is one of our distinguished spring 2012 imaginary award recipients. (US PRESSWIRE)

[Previously: 2011 midseason Switzies | 2011 year-end Switzies]

Preseason football is meaningless football, but that won’t stop us from handing out imaginary trophies to the luminaries of spring. Be sure to also check out Andy Staples’ post-spring Top 25 and Stewart Mandel’s 10 spring lessons.

• The Paul Erdős Plaque for Most Relentlessly Complex Spring Game Scoring System: Auburn, which awarded players extra points for “explosive plays”  and consecutive first downs, confounding all onlookers.

• The Mark Mangino Medal of Mean Expectation Lowering: Quoth Dana Holgorsen, tempering fan panic as he tinkers with his offense: ”The guys in there? If we’re playing with them in the fall, we’re not going to win.”

• Most Likely To Announce His Own Retirement At Halftime Of The First Game Due To Incurable Sadness: We had Frank Spaziani slotted in here until about three minutes before hitting the “publish” button, when we realized we’re not sure if he’s capable of processing human sadness. Would Kirk Ferentz make an able runner-up candidate? He keeps right on losing running backs, had to replace two coordinators and has a Week 1 date with Northern Illinois. The Huskies are themselves replacing Chandler Harnish, but if Jordan Lynch can even prove a halfway passable facsimile … oh, man.

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Assorted light reading from the week that was to speed you through your Friday:

We’re back in our homeplace for the weekend to take in Tennessee’s spring game, which means we have a perfect excuse to trot out this gem again. It is supposed to rain, so drag along your inflatable Davy Crocketts, y’all.

Elsewhere in today being a really, really memorable day for college-themed music happenings: A decades-old NC State video that defies all description and a Texas A&M rap video. Going by the title, it seems very important that you know this is the OFFICIAL music video, as opposed to all those bootleg amateur college team-themed tributes floating around the youtubes.

Big E, boomin’ atcha. Eric LeGrand, on his way to walking and to putting his broadcasting studies to good use.

Like the first robin of spring. Pre-Snap Read’s essential annual preseason countdown begins with New Mexico. Click through to see a pair of disembodied hands dressing Bob Davie!

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