Nowhere does it say that Miami’s Donna Shalala DIDN’T write her statement while wearing these glasses. (AP)

• Donna Shalala, with the candlestick and maybe also an axe-gun, in the conservatory. Miami has received its NCAA notice of allegations! There’s an LOIC charge in there, and it’s phrased this way so frequently that we now think of it as The Dreaded Lack Of Institutional Control, like that’s its full name. Anyway, Miami president Donna Shalala has some thoughts, and is dispensing them with open contempt for the NCAA and its process. Here’s our favorite one:

Many of the charges brought forth are based on the word of a man who made a fortune by lying. The NCAA enforcement staff acknowledged to the University that if Nevin Shapiro, a convicted con man, said something more than once, it considered the allegation “corroborated”—an argument which is both ludicrous and counter to legal practice.

Followup reading: John Infante examines why a summary disposition in this case is an unlikely outcome. Read More…

• We (collective we) have some thoughts.  Stewart Mandel on the future of the NCAA’s enforcement model: “At what point does Emmert — or if not him, the NCAA’s members — finally admit the need to blow up the whole thing and replace it with something more effective?” Andy Staples on the need for NCAA transparency: “The release of the report in the Miami case didn’t shatter the public’s trust in the NCAA. The public never trusted the NCAA in the first place, because the NCAA usually acts as if it has something to hide.” Us: Honestly, we’re re-reading last February’s piece on Nevin Shapiro’s next claims and feeling just a little melancholy. Not even one of those came true? You can’t tell us the Greg Olsen one is that far-fetched.

And the thing about trying to joke on this latest revelation is that every single joke could conceivably come true. Observe:

Apparently didn't faze the NCAA that Shapiro's attorney had to take a bankruptcy training session before she could file subpoenas for them.—
Stewart Mandel (@slmandel) February 19, 2013

@John_Infante That was the 20% that exonerated them.—
Alan Cornett (@alancornett) February 18, 2013

omg it just hit me. ncaa is going to drag out this investigation until the statute of limitations on miami's civil lawsuit expires. GENIUS!—
lieutenant winslow (@lt_winslow) February 18, 2013

By the time NCAA's opening statement is completed, Miami already will have served its NCAA probation—
Brett McMurphy (@McMurphyESPN) February 18, 2013

I’m withholding judgment until the Roe Lach family report comes out.—
John Infante (@John_Infante) February 18, 2013

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Miami president Donna Shalala has called for a speedy resolution and no further sanctions from the NCAA. (AP)

It turns out University of Miami president Donna Shalala is not super happy with the way the NCAA has gone flouncing through her school’s football program, given the whole “they had Nevin Shapiro’s personal attorney on their dime” thing. Monday evening, she released a statement detailing the sanctions already endured by the Hurricanes and asking for a rapid resolution to the interminable process — a resolution that includes no further punishments:

The University takes full responsibility for the conduct of its employees and student-athletes. Where the evidence of NCAA violations has been substantiated, we have self-imposed appropriate sanctions, including unilaterally eliminating once-in-a-lifetime opportunities for our students and coaches over the past two years, and disciplining and withholding players from competition.

We believe strongly in the principles and values of fairness and due process. However, we have been wronged in this investigation, and we believe that this process must come to a swift resolution, which includes no additional punitive measures beyond those already self-imposed.

In September 2010-two and a half years ago-the University of Miami advised the NCAA of allegations made by a convicted felon against former players and, at that time, we pledged our full cooperation with any investigation into the matter. One year later, in August 2011, when the NCAA’s investigation into alleged rules violations was made public, I pledged we would ‘vigorously pursue the truth, wherever that path may lead’ and insisted upon ‘complete, honest, and transparent cooperation with the NCAA from our staff and students.’

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Current NCAA mood: Screaming Sheep.

SPOILER ALERT: Please know up front that we are probably never going to see the end of the NCAA’s current Miami case, but one tentative step toward the end of the tunnel was taken on Monday afternoon, when the findings of an investigation into the NCAA’s investigation were announced. (BRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHM.) For those of you just joining us, the facts are:

In 2011, Nevin Shapiro, a former booster of U. Miami sports programs,
contacted the NCAA and made allegations that he had provided improper benefits
to U. Miami student-athletes. Over the course of the ensuing investigation, the
Enforcement Staff worked extensively with Shapiro and his attorney, Maria Elena
Perez, Esq. In the course of that relationship, Ms. Perez suggested to Director of
Enforcement Ameen Najjar that she could assist the NCAA’s investigation by
qualifying for practice in her client’s bankruptcy proceeding and using bankruptcy
subpoenas to compel depositions from witnesses who had refused to cooperate with
the NCAA. In return, Ms. Perez asked that the NCAA pay her for her work in
relation to the depositions.

Yahoo! is further reporting that vice president of enforcement Julie Roe Lach has been fired as a result of the scandal. You can read the full report here; we’ve collected our favorite bits of the story below, which we’ve rated on our patent-pending five-step Screaming Sheep Scale of Screaming Sheepiness:

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• Hey, thanks, catlab. For the night terrors that will surely stretch into the weekend. What is it about an upside-down Lil’ Red that’s so starkly upsetting?

• Blue pig sooie. Former Arkansas coaches think the widely publicized expiration date on John L. Smith’s 2012 contract made last year’s Razorbacks quit-happy. It’s not the first time last season’s squad has been accused of giving up by a party within the program, but Knile Davis takes exception to the characterization:

Quit?This is my take on it!!! twitter.com/BoobieKnile_Er…

— Knile_0r_Never (@BoobieKnile_Era) January 31, 2013

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When no appealing photos present themselves to accompany daily top stories, we add our own. Today: Ralphie! (AP)

• “Plaintiffs in the Ed O’Bannon lawsuit claimed what their lawyer described as a significant victory today when a California federal judge denied the NCAA’s early attempt to prevent the case from becoming a class action.” This is not so much a victory in and of itself as it is one more sudden-death pitfall avoided. Think of this kind of action as playing Super Mario Bros. 2 as Toad, with no mushrooms in sight and only one extra life remaining. That’s where this case is at, in fancy legal terms.

• “And it’s highly questionable whether other college presidents would allow such a settlement when no other schools were afforded the same opportunity for a case involving recruiting violations.” Think the NCAA-ward howling from Miami and USC is bad now? Imagine the cacophony of victory and rage if the ‘Canes were able to cut a deal.

• “According to the report, when the officer asked the men for their tickets, Carey said, ‘Get the (expletive) out of my face! Don’t you know who I am? I am an All-American.’” Always wonder what the endgame is here, in the heads of anyone who tries this kind of thing. “My sincerest apologies, sir. Your NCAA rushing prowess affords you lordship over campus police. Carry on.”

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Happy Tailgating Tuesday, which is not so much “a real thing” as an excuse to post a picture of Bully. (AP)

• Early frontrunner for quote of the offseason, right here. “The only money you’re allowed to spend on the recruit cannot be used in the strip club. Diamond or the Twerk Twins might not care what money you contribute to their hairstylist. The NCAA or the state of Florida might.” Thanks, Miami Herald!

• If they just left it as a giant gaping crater, it could represent the SEC East’s recent record against the West, PAAAOWL. Atlanta’s new College Football Hall of Fame is officially under construction, scheduled for completion by fall of 2014.

• Coach-hirin’ season! On the West Coast, Mark Helfrich has imported Matt Lubick from Duke to serve as Oregon’s passing game coordinator. Back east, Virginia loses offensive coordinator Bill Lazor to Chip Kelly’s NFL staff.

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To start your Friday: Howard Schnellenberger testing out a texting and driving simulator twitter.com/CardChronicle/…

— Mike Rutherford (@CardChronicle) January 25, 2013

No caption necessary.

• Never recreate from your memory. Always imagine new places. We have found the scariest sentence in the world. Ready? “‘I cannot discuss at this juncture my relationship with the NCAA,’ said [Nevin Shapiro attorney Maria Elena Perez], who added that she has retained her own counsel and plans to release her side of the story in the coming days.” YOU CAN’T GO FIVE LEVELS DOWN YOU’LL END UP IN LIMBO FOREVER.

• Coach-hirin’ season! New Mexico State offensive coordinator Doug Martin, whose return to Las Cruces was announced by the school just last Thursday, has been named interim head coach following DeWayne Walker’s departure for Jacksonville … LSU is doing things to keep Les Miles at LSU, for which we should all be grateful … Dan Enos’ contract at Central Michigan has been extended through 2016 … James Coley leaves Florida State to become the offensive coordinator at Miami, with new Twitter blasts surely to follow (“TIME TO PUT UP THOSE HURRICANE SHUTTERS, MIAMI OPPONENTS!”). 

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We’re really enjoying getting to post so many Sebastian photos this week. (AP)

• So, Miami’s having a pretty memorable week. What are we making of Wednesday’s revelation that the NCAA has to investigate itself over its investigation of Miami before it can get back to investigating Miami?

Miami president Donna Shalala: “I am frustrated, disappointed and concerned by President Emmert’s announcement today that the integrity of the investigation may have been compromised by the NCAA staff.”

Our own Stewart Mandel: “‘I’m very concerned about it,’ said Emmert. He should be. Just as the NCAA’s new, tougher penalties will hold head coaches responsible for violations by their staff members, Emmert is accountable for everything that transpires in Indianapolis. And despite his tough talk on Wednesday, Emmert’s leadership has never been more in question.”

SB Nation’s Robert Wheel: “The NCAA wants to have the privileges of government without any of the responsibilities of governing.”

Dana O’Neil: “On Wednesday’s conference call, NCAA president Mark Emmert said Nevin Shapiro’s lawyer was on the payroll but no one knew, which sounds an awful lot like lack of institutional control. Perhaps Emmert should give himself a show cause?”

Spencer Hall: “The NCAA is an absurd parasite clamped to the cerebrum of college athletics, impairing thought and turning smart people into gibbering zombies intoxicated by false virtue and real dollars. The dignified thing would be for the NCAA to close its own doors and rent their Indianapolis headquarters to a PF Chang’s.”

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Here is Mark Emmert indicating how many Nevin Shapiro attorneys were on the NCAA payroll during the NCAA’s investigation of Miami. (AP)

Gonna just leave this here button up top. Open in a new window; press while reading as needed. 

So, y’all remember on Monday when we were all “We’ll have more on this when we actually see the notice of allegations, unless we don’t see this notice of allegations, in which case we’ll be right back here next Monday writing a third variation on this same headline”? Turns out we could be waiting a while. We all could be waiting a while. Waiting on the NCAA to investigate its investigation of Miami. (Press that button. We’ll wait.)

Quoth the NCAA, Wednesday afternoon: “The NCAA national office has uncovered an issue of improper conduct within its enforcement program that occurred during the University of Miami investigation.  Former NCAA enforcement staff members worked with the criminal defense attorney for Nevin Shapiro to improperly obtain information for the purposes of the NCAA investigation through a bankruptcy proceeding that did not involve the NCAA.

“As it does not have subpoena power, the NCAA does not have the authority to compel testimony through procedures outside of its enforcement program. Through bankruptcy proceedings, enforcement staff gained information for the investigation that would not have been accessible otherwise.”

There’s more, and we highly suggest you click on through and read the whole hysterical document, and when you come back, follow us after the jump for a little impromptu offseason Laff Rioting:

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