SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: This LandThieves video contains mature language and is not safe for office environments, nursing mothers, women who are pregnant or who may become pregnant, readers with heart, neck or back conditions, small children, animals, houseplants, night terrors sufferers, the elderly, those with chronic illness, diabetics or vegans.
Why does the Texas Comfy Throw not feature chaps? ARE YOU EVEN TRYING, GROUPON?
We love college football-themed Groupon happenings more than we love most people, but we’re going to need at least nine different Oregon slankets to really round out this collection. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Former Dolphins and definitely not future Longhorns coach Nick Saban. (AP)
“If you have stability, you have continuity and you’ve got good people. It’s a formula that works. I think we’ve got that. If somebody tells me we need to change, I say, ‘OK, but who should we hire? [Alabama head coach Nick] Saban? Well, Saban isn’t going to come here.’” — Texas athletic director DeLoss Dodds, 2013
“I’m not going to be the Alabama coach.” — Nick Saban, 2006
Terrance Owens will do football things for Toledo, the MAC and America this Election Night. (AP)
• The greatest p.r. email we have received on this job begins thusly: “Tuesday, November 6th is Election Night for the country but it’s also a decisive night in the battle for the West Division crown of the Mid-American Conference. The Toledo Rockets host Ball State on Nov. 6 in a nationally televised contest at the Glass Bowl (8:00 p.m. / ESPN2) in what could help determine the eventual MAC champion.” We should probably get this framed. Preview coming later this afternoon for tonight’s game, right after Profiles in Profiteroles.
• Roster blotter: Matt Scott was, in fact, concussed against UCLA, and is questionable for Arizona’s game against Colorado … Washington State’s company line on Marquess Wilson is that Marquess Wilson is suspended … Bret Bielema is keeping the details of Wisconsin’s late-season quarterback race to himself … Boise State defensive tackle and internet favorite Mike “Bacon” Atkinson is through for the year with a torn ACL.
• Mack Brown trolls message boards all night long just writing “STAY CLASSY:” Because if there’s one real big problem college athletics has right now, it’s a lack of respect conveyed through hand signals and signs, amirite?
Just because Troy Calhoun communicates in a series of airplane noises doesn’t mean you get to call him “Flyboy,” Dave Christensen. (AP)
• So some Mountain West officials walk into an internet café … Dave Christensen getting away with a reprimand for what he said to Troy Calhoun made a lot more sense last week before YouTube video of what Dave Christensen actually said (warning: explicit language) got around. Now that it’s a thing, Christensen will serve a one-week suspension and pay a $50,000 fine. The game he’ll miss will feature his 1-6 Cowboys hosting the 6-1 Boise State Broncos.
• Also double-secret probated. The ACC issued a blanket release covering the various disciplinary actions to be leveled against North Carolina freshman linebacker Shakeel Rashad, two officials from the UNC-Duke game and the entire crew from the FSU-Miami matchup.
• Mark Richt has lost control of … hey, WAIT A MINUTE. Sorry, we just never get to use that joke in real life, and then when we do it feels really weird.
• Bowl projections include forecasts of unceasing sadness. There’s not much we like better than a set of imaginary bowl matchups that includes the phrase “NO ELIGIBLE TEAMS.”
• It’s always somebody’s hate week, I. Texas A&M’s official compliance Twitter account gets in on a popular anti-LSU meme:
There are no violations in the NCAA database that mention corn dogs. Hot dogs? Yes: 1 secondary & 1 major. But no corn dogs.
— Brad Barnes (@TAMUCompliance) October 16, 2012
Three things:
1. We’ve never seen a corn dog consumed at an LSU tailgate. Are we at the wrong parties?
2. Begun, these GIF wars have.
3. What was the major NCAA violation involving a hot dog??
• It’s always somebody’s hate week, II. It is our sworn duty to report receiving an email from the Auburn athletic department with the following introduction:
Auburn Compliance to Host Seminar on Wednesday
NCAA Compliance Series: Ethical Conduct
Don’t say we never did nothin’ for you, Vandy.
• What’s wrong with ‘the storm clouds are gathering?’ Barking Carnival begins the somber journey into the tempest-tossed land of “Fire Mack Brown.”
Derek Dooley has posted an 11-14 record in two seasons as Tennessee’s head coach. (AP)
Gentle readers,
You are intelligent, good-looking people who do not need to be told that some college football coaches may lose their jobs this season. They will lose their jobs eventually because they did not win enough football games. They are in danger of losing their jobs right now because they did not win enough football games in the past. None of this is rocket surgery.
But between all the drive-time radio rants and FIRECOACH_____DOTCOM blogs, are there elements setting the temperature of coaches’ posteriors that we have not considered? To find out, we recruited a half-dozen fans and bloggers surrounding some of the most hotly debated coaching positions. Some of them wanted to defend their skippers. Some of them are Boston College fans. Read on to find out which is which:
• Campus Union: The point we keep coming back to regarding Dooley’s reign at Tennessee is that so many things seem to happen to the team that it’s hard to get a clear read on where the Vols really are at any given time. That said, a losing record for two straight years does not bode well for the lifespan of any coach in God’s Own Football Conference. And that’s before getting to the part where Dooley now has to live with being the guy who snapped the Kentucky win streak. So what are we missing in our rush to condemn the tenure of the SEC’s greatest active hairdo? Will Shelton of Rocky Top Talk has one answer:
Two more hours of ESPN college football programming means two more hours of possible Lee Corso sightings.
Did the Huntsville Times just portend the next great leap forward in reality television programming?
HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –Nick Saban figures there’s one certainty about the new college football playoff scenario. There will be “a two-hour ESPN show on who got left out,” he said.
Far be it for us to fail to heed the auguries of Saban (or to dare to meet his gaze directly): A sister program to our summer hit, the Selection Committee Selection Show, is clearly called for. Run it in that dead stretch of actionless time in the days between the Army-Navy Game and the New Mexico Bowl.
We open on a tight shot of Tom Rinaldi, clad in an exquisite white tuxedo and oversized silver platform sneakers, seated at a grand piano on a turntable that rotates at a sedate speed. Casually, with effortless grace, he ripples through a sonata of unknown origin. The camera pulls back to reveal Dabo Swinney, unproud head coach of a 12-1 Clemson squad. He stands on a scale model indoor football field. Around his neck is a veterinary Elizabethan collar. “Explain what you saw that the committee didn’t in the ACC Championship Game,” Rinaldi probes. Mechanized animatronic football players rise out of the turf, but Swinney, hampered by the collar, cannot place his whistle in his mouth to activate the simulation. His screaming will haunt you for all your nights to come.
In a soundproof booth, on hidden camera, Gary Pinkel is informed he can bump Mizzou’s strength of schedule up one slot in next year’s rankings for every exotic poisonous insect he selects and eats. He gobbles the entire tray without question. Doesn’t even take a sip of water.
Assorted bits of light reading to speed you through your Friday.
• Fear the Fruit. Delta State’s “Fear the Okra” campaign continues to delight and horrify in equal measure.
• Welcome to the College Football Hall of Fame Tent, sponsored by Coca-Cola. We prefer to think this is just a power play enacted as sort of a protest movement against those who would block the enshrinement of Stephen Garcia’s hair.
• What, no Sam Bradford? Starting Monday, you can vote for RGIII’s EA Sports sidekick.
• All in the graven idol game. Auburn’s Heis-men statues will be unveiled at the Tigers’ spring game. We’re holding out for a statue of Pat Dye.
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