Time enough at last. (AP)

By Holly Anderson

Here follows an account of the reign of Nick Saban from the years 2015-25, commonly referred to by better historians as the Wilding Tuscaloosa era.

The year is 2015. The season, midwinter. Flush with six national titles, four of them consecutive, five at Alabama, even the agile football mind of Nick Saban atrophies with boredom. Staring listlessly at a commitment list that’s a unanimous pick for tops in the nation, a list that will bolster a roster that’s already a consensus national title favorite, in the predawn dim of National Signing Day, the crafter of college football’s most unassailable modern dynasty crumples a piece of copy paper into a wad the size of a golfball with the density of sandstone. It’s time at last, time to turn on the cheat codes, Saban’s last defense against the dulling of his edge. He needs to be tested again.

But the codes are not for his benefit. They’re for yours.

And from now on, everything’s gonna be different. Well — almost everything.
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By Holly Anderson

I'm used to strange mail, but this one is this year's leader in the clubhouse twitpic.com/cqhc6v—
Bob Ley (@BobLeyESPN) May 14, 2013

This is way better than the guy in our inbox who wants to make sure we know we can divine Wes Lunt’s transfer destination by realizing we cannot spell “Lunt” without “UT.”

By Holly Anderson

If you’re anything like us, gentle readers, you’re no stranger to seeing your prom plans in ashes after a heartless school board vetoes your suggestions of a Pink & Green Pirate Promenade, Jurassic Prom or Prom.com.* We’re here to help, with 10 free formal templates for use in a variety of states. Who’s going to say no to Kliffykins? Nobody with a human heart and a pulse.

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By Holly Anderson

It is May, and like ourselves, Will Muschamp has nothing to do, which is why he was able to take the time to sit down with us and discuss the fresh new look his coastal abode is sporting this offseason.

• I’m a bottom bunk man, and I don’t think that makes me any less of an alpha male. Spear new mattresses with the crown of your helmet until the desired comfort level is achieved.

• Always have one surprise design element in every room. Joker’s decorating my bathroom. The recruiting photoshops plastering the walls are not the surprise. The stingray in the toilet tank is the surprise. His name is Jellaby.

• It turns out sea biscuits are real, non-horse items. They are not good with butter and honey. For decorative use only.

• Cobra blood makes any blank wall a canvas limited only by your imagination. Break its neck for maximum fluid retention before transporting to your craft room.

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By Holly Anderson

Johnny Manziel and AJ McCarron are planning a vacation together. You probably have your own ideas about how this is going to go. The good folks at Good Bull Hunting have even pieced together a detailed itinerary of the trip. We offer our own modest suggestion below based on the remote possibility that this outing is a stealth viral marketing campaign for Guillermo del Toro’s forthcoming robots-versus-aliens summer tentpole feature. Katherine Webb hasn’t been putting in all that diving practice just for reality television, and will make a cameo as an astonishingly young but take-no-prisoners Secretary of Defense. One of the bro-tagonists even looks like Manziel:

Coming this summer. The explosive (really, really explosive) story. Of a bunch of sea-dwelling aliens out to destroy Club La Vela, and the two bros who strapped on giant robot suits to prevent that from happening.

“They never considered we would rise to the challenge.” AJ in the tattoo parlor or Johnny on his preseason Heisman hopes last season? No reason it can’t be both.

Matt Rhule does not wear this owl mask in real life, but you wouldn’t know that without this helpful caption. (AP)

By Holly Anderson

Crucial information for the hordes of you headed to Temple’s spring game this Saturday:

• Kickoff is scheduled for 1 p.m. ET.

• “Use of video capable cell phones” is prohibited, for any Fordham Rams spies hoping to gain useful intelligence on Temple’s strategies for the upcoming season.

• “Footballs” also appear on the list of items banned from Saturday’s scrimmage. We assume this prohibition extends only to footballs brought in by fans, not in use on the field, but just in case, any wayward punted, passed or kicked ball that finds its way into a bleacher seat will be promptly escorted from the premises.

• We make fun, but can you imagine the multiball havoc that could be wrought by tossing stray footballs into a live play? All spring games should have wacky arena rules because it’s not like they’re good for much else.

• Every time we write about Temple football we’re going to use this introductory photo of Matt Rhule, because we worked really hard on it, so nobody even try to talk us out of it.

Marshall Henderson, we claim you in the sovereign name of America’s true national pastime. (AP)

#OleMiss guard Marshall Henderson was asked if his antics are calculated. “I guess. I don’t know, I’m not really good at math.”—
Ben Garrett (@SpiritBen) March 21, 2013

Ever been struck by the overwhelming urge to lure a college basketball player into a sport switch? Neither did we, until Marshall Henderson entered our sphere of awareness and captured our attention with the above quote and other capers.

Henderson’s on- and off-court taunting antics would get his touchdowns revoked in an SEC second, and we would pay to see it. Here is an athlete who does not know the meaning of “feelingsball.” How utterly refreshing.

Three more targets after the jump:

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Former Dolphins and definitely not future Longhorns coach Nick Saban. (AP)

“If you have stability, you have continuity and you’ve got good people. It’s a formula that works. I think we’ve got that. If somebody tells me we need to change, I say, ‘OK, but who should we hire? [Alabama head coach Nick] Saban? Well, Saban isn’t going to come here.’” — Texas athletic director DeLoss Dodds, 2013

“I’m not going to be the Alabama coach.” — Nick Saban, 2006

Dri Archer: Golden Flash or Golden Snitch? (AP)

Our pals at Land Grant Holy Land undertook the noble offseason task this week of determining which Ohio State athletes would best serve on a (sadly theoretical) Quidditch team. It is safe to assume that you will not hear any other media outlet call DeShaun Thomas “the second coming of Alicia Spinnet” for the rest of your natural lives. Being Harry Potter crossover completists, we are piling on by helpfully determining which college football players would make the best Quidditch balls. We have linked out to helpful explanations of each ball from the Harry Potter Lexicon.

• Quaffle: Stedman Bailey. Because if there’s scoring to be done, he’s probably involved.

• Bludger: Jadeveon Clowney. Bludgers are balls of iron that hit people.

• Bludger: Jarvis Jones. See above.

• Golden Snitch: Dri Archer. A Snitch frequently evades capture and is worth 150 points. Sounds about right.

Wingardium Mariota!

Cowboys Stadium: Space Camp for football fans, if Space Camp had bizarrely obstructed views of neighboring galaxies. (AP)

Bob Bowlsby, the best conference commissioner based on surname alone, says that although the Big 12 would like a waiver from the NCAA to hold a conference championship game with a 10-team league, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to hold one. From the Associated Press:

“Take a look at the attendance on the conference championship games this year and take a look at the TV ratings,” Bowlsby said. “They aren’t the kind of things that are going to invite you to take that up as a new business proposition.” [...] Bowlsby said Wednesday that proposal is intended to deregulate how conferences are allowed to determine a champion.

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