Nowhere does it say that Miami’s Donna Shalala DIDN’T write her statement while wearing these glasses. (AP)

• Donna Shalala, with the candlestick and maybe also an axe-gun, in the conservatory. Miami has received its NCAA notice of allegations! There’s an LOIC charge in there, and it’s phrased this way so frequently that we now think of it as The Dreaded Lack Of Institutional Control, like that’s its full name. Anyway, Miami president Donna Shalala has some thoughts, and is dispensing them with open contempt for the NCAA and its process. Here’s our favorite one:

Many of the charges brought forth are based on the word of a man who made a fortune by lying. The NCAA enforcement staff acknowledged to the University that if Nevin Shapiro, a convicted con man, said something more than once, it considered the allegation “corroborated”—an argument which is both ludicrous and counter to legal practice.

Followup reading: John Infante examines why a summary disposition in this case is an unlikely outcome. Read More…

• We (collective we) have some thoughts.  Stewart Mandel on the future of the NCAA’s enforcement model: “At what point does Emmert — or if not him, the NCAA’s members — finally admit the need to blow up the whole thing and replace it with something more effective?” Andy Staples on the need for NCAA transparency: “The release of the report in the Miami case didn’t shatter the public’s trust in the NCAA. The public never trusted the NCAA in the first place, because the NCAA usually acts as if it has something to hide.” Us: Honestly, we’re re-reading last February’s piece on Nevin Shapiro’s next claims and feeling just a little melancholy. Not even one of those came true? You can’t tell us the Greg Olsen one is that far-fetched.

And the thing about trying to joke on this latest revelation is that every single joke could conceivably come true. Observe:

Apparently didn't faze the NCAA that Shapiro's attorney had to take a bankruptcy training session before she could file subpoenas for them.—
Stewart Mandel (@slmandel) February 19, 2013

@John_Infante That was the 20% that exonerated them.—
Alan Cornett (@alancornett) February 18, 2013

omg it just hit me. ncaa is going to drag out this investigation until the statute of limitations on miami's civil lawsuit expires. GENIUS!—
lieutenant winslow (@lt_winslow) February 18, 2013

By the time NCAA's opening statement is completed, Miami already will have served its NCAA probation—
Brett McMurphy (@McMurphyESPN) February 18, 2013

I’m withholding judgment until the Roe Lach family report comes out.—
John Infante (@John_Infante) February 18, 2013

Read More…

Here is new Western Michigan coach P.J. Fleck jumping into an iced-over pond for love of team and country, followed by his wife, Tracy. Mr. Fleck has painted his chest like a student section stalwart. Mrs. Fleck had a baby two months ago and is out running around in a bathing suit in the snow. Western Michigan is our favorite MAC team of 2013 already.

• Strap on your best Vandal sandals. Idaho will hold walk-on football tryouts later this month.

• Somewhere in Atlanta, Paul Johnson’s mouth quirks in what could almost be a human smile. Florida State lost close to half a million dollars playing in the ACC championship game.

• More money-losing endeavors. Fallout from the Jerry Sandusky case has cost Penn State more than $27 million so far, not including the $60 million fine levied by the NCAA.

• Y’all ain’t from around here, are you? Please remind us, when we finally get out of the blogging game and around to setting up our very own drug cartel, to emblazon all vehicles we own with drug-related stickers as a handy clue for local law enforcement.

Read More…

• Well played, Hairy Dawg. Well played. Are we tiring of this meme in record time? Yes. Did Georgia’s football team have a lot of ground to make up to even come close to the greatness of UGA’s swim team video? Absolutely.

Did the Dawgs earn a place in the pantheon for including a scooter in their video? You bet your sweet underbelly lying on a bag of ice in August they did. (We assume overenthusiastic Athens cops swarmed the mascot just after the camera cut off.)

• TRIAL OF THE MILLENIUM, INCOMING. Harvey Updyke’s bond has been revoked; an April trial date has been set, and wherever it ends up taking place, we promise you now that we will be there covering the thing like a plucky character in a Harper Lee novel.

• Hey, neato, more subjectivity on refs’ shoulders! No way this ends poorly, right?

Read More…

@SIHolly This turtle has DISAPPOINTED ME. It is SOFT. It is PROBABLY A HIPPY punchpunchpunchpunch—
Matt Brown (@MattLGHL) February 12, 2013

• Just let us have this. And it came to pass that Urban Meyer’s recycled turtle story, which brought great joy to all corners of God’s green internet, gained such traction that Ohio State’s media relations folks were forced to issue the following statement, which we are printing here in full, caps and italics emphasis faithfully reproduced from the original document:

Date:    Feb. 12, 2013
To:       Media Covering Ohio State Football
What:   Joke

This note is in response to the headlines that are running on the internet that don’t seem to take into consideration that Coach Meyer told a JOKE to a crowd of high school coaches last week. He was telling a story about toughness and he exaggerated a story about toughness. It is the same story he has told numerous times before, including last year at this same convention; only the coach he talked about last year wasn’t Coach Hayes, but Coach Bruce.

So please know: the story about toughness that Coach Meyer shared with a crowd last week and the year before and numerous times before was a joke and only a joke.  

Thank you in advance for your clarifications.

Nothing gold can stay, y’all.

• In happier B1G news … Barry Alvarez says the Big Ten is done scheduling FCS programs. We are pleased. Some other folks are not, and there are valid reasons, but we’d still rather watch New Mexico State than the Citadel. Sorry, the Citadel.

Read More…

• Hail to whoever can focus a camera that early. Michigan State is in the thick of winter conditioning, and Michigan State’s social media team is soldiering through with the Spartans, providing photos of a quality too rarely found in team Twitter feeds:

Mylan Hicks, Jairus Jones and Isaiah Lewis participate in Monday's 5:30 a.m. winter conditioning workout. #Spartans http://t.co/OMqSa3zf—
Spartan Football (@MSU_Football) February 11, 2013

Eschewing blurry iPhone shots really drives home the point that you are not up and working out at 5:30 a.m. in East Lansing. Bless you, boys.

• And bless you, Black Knights. Just remember who dragged you out of The Nothing and into spring ball: As we’re typing this, Army’s already been at practice for half an hour.

• Solved that thing. Will Katherine Webb in an Auburn/Alabama combo jersey bring about peace in the Yellowhammer State? Probably not, but it was worth a shot, right?

Read More…

• Good morning. If you’re reading this, you’ve survived a weekend without football of any sort. Army’s Black Knights, bless them, begin spring practice tomorrow, but until then keep up your winter conditioning with Florida’s spirit squads.

• Coach-hirin’ season! Utah has just announced the hiring of Dennis Erickson, and we’re just going to paste in an excerpt from the athletic department here with some emphasis added:

Dennis Erickson, who compiled a 179-96-1 record in 23 seasons as a head college coach and won two national championships, has joined Utah’s staff as the co-offensive coordinator. The 65-year-old Erickson, whose background also includes six years as an NFL head coach, will share the coordinator title with 26-year-old Brian Johnson.

BUDDY COP STORY, BUT WITH COACHES. SITCOM WAITING TO HAPPEN. HIJINX ABOUT TO ENSUE. Brian Johnson and Dennis Erickson becoming besties is now all we want out of the 2013 season.

Elsewhere on the perpetually active college football coaching carousel: Todd Grantham withdrew from consideration for the Saints DC job on Friday … Kennedy Polamalu is out as offensive coordinator at USC … Gregg Brandon will coach quarterbacks and coordinate the offense at New Mexico State.

Read More…

Too busy crafting a dynasty to neatly dice an avocado and shave a little parmesan, Nick Saban? Probably, yes.

• Is this a photo from Nick Saban’s Instagram account? SPOILER ALERT: No. No, it is not, because that’s fresh-cracked pepper you see on those delicious salads, and who has the time?

• Here is a story that will in no way end in screams and wig-snatching. Urban Meyer is eventually going to lose a Big Ten game, but until he does, this story will recur a lot and will always be hilaaaaarious.

• Meticulously faithful recreation of the Legends of the Hidden Temple set or GTFO. The playoff selection selection committee is hard at work. Our opinion on this matter is well known.

• Today in Irresistably Clickable Headlines: “Arkansas Builds Bielema Giant Truck Set For Signing Day.” Get it? Because tailgating? Get it? Please, somebody make this contraption a drivable reality and park it in the Grove for four days this fall.

• Oh, nothing. Gary Pinkel is not a fan of recruiting rankings, and it’s probably for the best that there’s no way to assign a star value to losing a commit to Minnesota.

Read More…

Punter flip! RT @brdispatch: Punter Johnny Townsend, an #OSU commit, has moved press conference to 4 p.m. Rumors that he'll flip to Alabama.—
Stewart Mandel (@slmandel) February 06, 2013

• Ask not for whom the punter flips. What was funny a little while ago when it was reported that punter Johnny Townsend was headed to Nick Saban’s squad and not former rival Urban Meyer’s is now funny, in a different way, with Townsend signing on with Meyer’s old squad. Either way, Ohio State lost out on a punter, which even in the absence of Jim Tresselball is still pretty giggleworthy.

• “That’s the first time in 30 years I’ve ever been chased out of a development and chased down a highway trying to recruit somebody.” Here is a recruiting trail story from Randy Edsall that you are going to want to read.

• “I’ve taken it about up to here with all the media and the Twitters and everybody.” Hugh Freeze gets frosty, and Andy Staples was there.

Read More…

Our continued best wishes to Tulane’s Devon Walker for a complete recovery. (AP Photo/Tulane University)

Newsy bits of varying degrees of quality from the weekend that was:

• Good news first. “As a senior, I had only a few more credits to get and it would seem like a waste of time for me to have gone through all the struggles I have and just act like I don’t need it any more or act like it wouldn’t help me in the future.” New Orleans’ WWL-TV catches up with Tulane’s Devon Walker, who intends to return to school this fall and wrap up his cell and molecular biology degree.

• And then deer antler spray news, as God intended. Intrepid internet personality Rick Muscles bought him some Bambi shavings at the S.W.A.T.S. gym, which went about how you might expect it to go:

RM: Please remember: a dude with a hologram taped to his nipple was telling me about my second brain.

SH: In your stomach.

RM: In my stomach.

SH: Go on.

• Phrasing. As Friday evening news dumps go, the revelation that Texas offensive coordinator Major Applewhite was disciplined in 2009 for having a relationship with a student was a doozy, and that’s not even counting what may be the most unfortunately placed “during” in sports history:

Deloss Dodds: ""Major Applewhite engaged in inappropriate, consensual behavior with an adult student one time during the 2009 Fiesta Bowl."—
Bob Ballou (@KEYESportsBob) February 02, 2013

Burnt Orange Nation breaks down the situation over here.

• ‘Crootin! When We Get Interested About Recruiting: When we can up our tally of schools holding Signing Day events at Buffalo Wild Wings (New Mexico State makes three!), when the AJC gets to explain what a bong is and when Jim Mora invites everybody over for hot dish, velvet ropes be damned:

Read More…