Too busy crafting a dynasty to neatly dice an avocado and shave a little parmesan, Nick Saban? Probably, yes.

• Is this a photo from Nick Saban’s Instagram account? SPOILER ALERT: No. No, it is not, because that’s fresh-cracked pepper you see on those delicious salads, and who has the time?

• Here is a story that will in no way end in screams and wig-snatching. Urban Meyer is eventually going to lose a Big Ten game, but until he does, this story will recur a lot and will always be hilaaaaarious.

• Meticulously faithful recreation of the Legends of the Hidden Temple set or GTFO. The playoff selection selection committee is hard at work. Our opinion on this matter is well known.

• Today in Irresistably Clickable Headlines: “Arkansas Builds Bielema Giant Truck Set For Signing Day.” Get it? Because tailgating? Get it? Please, somebody make this contraption a drivable reality and park it in the Grove for four days this fall.

• Oh, nothing. Gary Pinkel is not a fan of recruiting rankings, and it’s probably for the best that there’s no way to assign a star value to losing a commit to Minnesota.

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DeWayne Walker set the coaching carousel spinning once more with his late departure from New Mexico State. (AP)

Tommy Tuberville’s sitting by the phone* and Jimmy Sexton’s got that particular sparkle in his eye. It can mean only one thing: The coach firin’ season is upon us once more. We’ll be tracking the carousel of progress, right here, for as long as it takes to stop spinning. Raise a glass to times past, won’t you? * Well, not anymore, but never tell us we don’t have the gift of very specific prophecy through throwaway jokes.

New Mexico State [updated 02.01.2013]

• Who’s out: DeWayne Walker, who jumps to the NFL with less than two weeks remaining between now and Signing Day. And not even for a coordinating gig: Walker will coach defensive backs for the Jacksonville Jaguars. Walker released the following statement through the athletic department: “I really appreciate the opportunity that Dr. Boston and New Mexico State gave me to be a Division I head football coach. Unfortunately, I did not get the program as far as I would have liked from a wins and losses standpoint. But, we do have a better locker room, better kids and a better foundation for the program moving forward. There are a lot of people that I want to thank for their support and will be reaching out to those individuals in the coming days. They have helped me in moving the program forward. I am excited about starting a new chapter in my coaching career, as is my family. I wish New Mexico State great success in the future and wish everyone the best. Go Aggies!” • Who’s in: Doug Martin — the one who played at Kentucky, not the one who played at Boise State. Although if Martin The Younger is really so opposed to his excellent nickname, we’re gonna refer to Martin The Elder as coach Muscle Hamster instead. It’s been a whirlwind courtship for Martin and the Aggies: He was announced as offensive coordinator on January 17, temporarily promoted to interim head coach on January 24 and will be officially announced as DeWayne Walker’s successor on Monday, February 4. Martin’s previous head coaching experience consists of a seven-year stint at Kent State, from 2004-2010. Read More…

To start your Friday: Howard Schnellenberger testing out a texting and driving simulator twitter.com/CardChronicle/…

— Mike Rutherford (@CardChronicle) January 25, 2013

No caption necessary.

• Never recreate from your memory. Always imagine new places. We have found the scariest sentence in the world. Ready? “‘I cannot discuss at this juncture my relationship with the NCAA,’ said [Nevin Shapiro attorney Maria Elena Perez], who added that she has retained her own counsel and plans to release her side of the story in the coming days.” YOU CAN’T GO FIVE LEVELS DOWN YOU’LL END UP IN LIMBO FOREVER.

• Coach-hirin’ season! New Mexico State offensive coordinator Doug Martin, whose return to Las Cruces was announced by the school just last Thursday, has been named interim head coach following DeWayne Walker’s departure for Jacksonville … LSU is doing things to keep Les Miles at LSU, for which we should all be grateful … Dan Enos’ contract at Central Michigan has been extended through 2016 … James Coley leaves Florida State to become the offensive coordinator at Miami, with new Twitter blasts surely to follow (“TIME TO PUT UP THOSE HURRICANE SHUTTERS, MIAMI OPPONENTS!”). 

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In the dystopian future of the Big East, BBVA Compass Bowl trophies will be a highly valued currency. (AP)

• “Group of five” still just sounds so ominous. Jeremy Fowler reports on the coalescing system the Big East, Conference USA, MAC, Mountain West and Sun Belt are working on to distribute playoff revenue from the new postseason system:

In this proposed system, more than half the group’s roughly $86-million playoff pot would be distributed among the Big East, Mountain West, Mid-American Conference, Conference USA and Sun Belt as guaranteed base shares, according to a source with direct knowledge of the discussions. The source expects those shares to be evenly split, but added discussions are ongoing. The second tier pays out based on a conference’s body of work — the top conference gets the highest amount, then “X” amount for the next-rated conference, and on down. The third tier pays a kicker to the conference with the highest-ranked team, which is guaranteed an access bowl bid or, if among the top-four teams in the country, a semifinal berth in the playoff.

• Harbros’ early broing days. Check out Dan Wetzel’s tale of relatively wee Harbaughs recruiting youngsters to their dad’s team at Western Kentucky, including an appearance by one Willie Taggart.

• Exactly how you would’ve guessed. Former Miami Hurricanes make up the biggest slice of Super Bowl roster pie charts, but two of the next five teams on that list are … Marshall and Utah? Marshall and Utah! Go ThunderUtes!

• From the no-jokes department. Compelling story via OTL on UCLA researchers and evidence of chronic traumatic encephalopathy in living football players.

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We have at least three weeks’ worth of Sebastian photos on hand, in case this Miami story keeps dragging on. (AP)

Assorted newsy bits — of varying degrees of importance — you might have missed over the long weekend:

• Didn’t we already do this headline a week ago? ”Imminent” can mean a lot of things! In the cosmic sense, the NCAA’s investigation of Miami has spanned less than a fraction of an eyeblink, but here we are, riding on a human-speed space-time wave, just twiddling our bloggy thumbs until the ‘Canes’ notice of allegations drops. The latest rumblings, per Bruce Feldman, involve a very large book being thrown at ex-Miami and current Louisville assistant Clint Hurtt and other former ‘Canes colleagues. We’ll have more on this when we actually see the notice of allegations, unless we don’t see this notice of allegations, in which case we’ll be right back here next Monday writing a third variation on this same headline.

• And speaking of the NCAA: On the final day of the annual NCAA convention, the latest raft of changes — touted as an effort to streamline NCAA regulations — were unveiled. Your friendly neighborhood Bylaw Blogger takes a look at one proposal, regarding recruiting start dates, that was left out of the bundle.

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Is this the real Kliff Kingsbury, or an incredible simulation? (AP)

• Kliff Kingsbury is on Twitter. His hair does not look artfully tousled. He is wearing a suit and tie, and that tie is not a skinny tie. No v-necks are immediately visible. This may in fact be a wax dummy of Kliff Kingsbury pictured here, which would go a long way toward explaining why it hasn’t tweeted yet.

• We are now contractually obligated to call him Bear O’Brien for one calendar year. Penn State’s head coach has been bestowed with the Bear Bryant College Coach of the Year Award, marking him as the most alliterative winner in the award’s history. Congratulations, Bill O’Bryant!

• Coach-hirin’ follies! Florida defensive coordinator Dan Quinn is leaving to rejoin the Seattle Seahawks; Gators assistant D.J. Durkin has been elevated in his place … per our express wishes, Clancy Pendergast will replace Monte Kiffin as USC’s DC … Rutgers will reportedly lose offensive coordinator Dave Brock to Delaware … Rick Smith, who’s coached defensive backs at South Florida since 2010, will join Ruffin McNeil’s staff at East Carolina as defensive coordinator … now-former Boston College OC Doug Martin (not, so far as we know, nicknamed “Muscle Hamster”) is headed back to New Mexico State in the same capacity.

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Have you heard?

Whoa. RT @mortreport Chip Kelly is the new coach of Philadelphia Eagles, according to league sources. No announcement yet

— Bruce Feldman (@BFeldmanCBS) January 16, 2013

Is there another Chip Kelly?

— Chris Burke (@ChrisBurke_SI) January 16, 2013

Welp.

— Bryan Fischer (@BryanDFischer) January 16, 2013

Huh.

— Bill Connelly (@SBN_BillC) January 16, 2013

[spit take]

— Brian Floyd (@BrianMFloyd) January 16, 2013

DUCKCON ONE REPEAT WE ARE AT DUCKCON ONE

— edsbs (@edsbs) January 16, 2013

I guess the only person who didn’t fall for those “Chip Kelly returning to Oregon” reports was Chip Kelly.

— Matt Hinton (@MattRHinton) January 16, 2013

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Florida incoming transfer Darious Cummings is going by “Bear” Cummings. What do you guys want to be called?

— Jason Lieser (@PBPjasonlieser) January 15, 2013

• How would he feel about “Bearious” for more formal occasions? If we’re all supposed to be taking after forest creatures for a fresh new look for spring 2013, we would like to be referred to from here on as “Killer Otter.” Thank you for your attention to this matter.

• And speaking of spring. Army’s spring game, which graced our neck of the woods at Fort Benning last year, continues its freshly-established traveling tradition with a March 8 scrimmage set to take place at Fort Hood, Texas.

• The Coliseum just needs a place to crash for a few days, until it gets things figured out. The Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum Commission is behind in its rent, per the L.A. Times, but once it gets its free-range vegan water bottle business up and running things are really going to turn around. It’s not a pyramid scheme. It’s not!

• That’s a helluva windbreak. Texas Tech approves plans for a “freestanding high-definition video board,” theoretically to be installed and operational in time for the 2013 season.

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There is no such thing as a compelling photo of NCAA COI deliberations, so here is Sebastian in a vaguely menacing posture. (AP)

Assorted items of varying degrees of interest which you may have missed while grudgingly watching playoff football and sending surly tweets to the Golden Globes:

• The NCAA is Lucy, and Miami football is the football, and we are Charlie Brown running toward it, or something? This metaphor holds up only to demonstrate how very much we wish for this all to be over, but here we go: The Miami Herald is calling the release of NCAA allegations against the Hurricanes football program “imminent,” just short of the investigation’s two-year anniversary. Bylaw Blogger John Infante lays out all the ways this process could still be stalled, and how the Miami case might affect Oregon’s.

• Mike Stoops also a fan of Hi Haters Friday! Friday night, 6:06 p.m., Tulsa World‘s John E. Hoover posts a transcript excerpt of a Mike Stoops radio interview, specifically a question regarding Johnny Football: “They’re gonna be tough to deal with. If they can keep him out of jail or keep him eligible, he’s gonna be pretty good.” Friday night, 10:37 p.m., Tulsa World post headline: “Mike Stoops regrets controversial comments on Manziel.” Had Stoops’ defense possessed that kind of on-the-fly adaptability in the Cotton Bowl, perhaps Manziel would not have scored four touchdowns against it, PAAAOWL.

• Roster blotter. In better news for Miami: Seantrel Henderson, Brandon Linder and Curtis Porter announced Monday morning they all intend to return to the ‘Canes in 2013 … in even better news for Profiteroles fans, Dri Archer will stay on for his senior season at Kent State … Iowa State quarterback Jared “That Kid Who Beat Oklahoma State” Barnett and linebacker C.J. Morgan intend to transfer … Texas defensive tackle Brandon Moore will enter the draft … also declaring is USC corner Nickell Robey, whom we will dearly miss watching because of his too-perfect defensive name … Oregon linebacker Anthony Wallace will transfer … Case McCoy and Jordan Hicks have been reinstated at Texas … and Casey Pachall returns to the Horned Frogs.

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If Brian Kelly takes the Eagles job, maybe there will be an NFL team that Alabama could beat

— Brandon (@TeamSpeedKills) January 10, 2013

• Eagles to turn next to R. Kelly. There are folks getting awfully het up at Brian Kelly (subscription required) for his dalliances with the Philadelphia Eagles, who are just trying to live frugally after printing up all those WE <3 COACH KELLY cocktail napkins for Chip.

Elsewhere in coach-hirin’ follies: Obvious international superspy Bob Toledo will rejoin Rocky Long as offensive coordinator at San Diego State … Chuck Bresnahan will coordinate Willie Taggart’s defense at South Florida … Bill Young is out and Glenn Spencer is in as Oklahoma State’s defensive coordinator … Texas A&M swipes West Virginia’s quarterbacks coach to serve as co-offensive coordinator in College Station … and from Regular Virginia, Kevin Sumlin snags an assistant who’d been with the Cavaliers for just over a week.

• Roster blotter. Eddie Lacy, Dee Milliner and D.J. Fluker will all leave Alabama early to enter the NFL draft … Clint Moseley has left Auburn football, though not Auburn … also draft-bound, Clemson’s Nuke Hopkins, Washington State’s Marquess Wilson and Georgia’s Kwame Geathers … Joseph Randle to turn pro, per Joseph Randle … LSU has, at last count, 11 early departures … notable non-departures include Texas A&M’s Jake Matthews and Texas’ Mike Davis … and spare some healing vibes for Notre Dame’s Kapron Lewis-Moore, whose BCS title game injury has been confirmed as an ACL tear.

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