Assorted light reading to power you through Friday.

After writing up Jamaal Bass’ indictment for an on-field assault on two Toledo band members, we fell into discussion on the merits of marching band instruments as weapons. We received many compelling arguments:

@SIHolly I’m biased b/c I played it … but baritone is my choice. Heavy, yet handheld (easy to swing). I accidentally chipped a tooth once.

— Patrick Southern (@patricksouthern) March 20, 2012

@SIHolly Also, the brass is far more dense than in a trombone or a trumpet or mellophone. And yes, I’m actually thinking critically here.

— Patrick Southern (@patricksouthern) March 20, 2012

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Assorted bits of light reading to speed you through your Friday.

• Fear the Fruit. Delta State’s “Fear the Okra” campaign continues to delight and horrify in equal measure.

• Welcome to the College Football Hall of Fame Tent, sponsored by Coca-Cola. We prefer to think this is just a power play enacted as sort of a protest movement against those who would block the enshrinement of Stephen Garcia’s hair.

• What, no Sam Bradford? Starting Monday, you can vote for RGIII’s EA Sports sidekick.

• All in the graven idol game. Auburn’s Heis-men statues will be unveiled at the Tigers’ spring game. We’re holding out for a statue of Pat Dye.

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Some light reading and our favorite stories of the week to speed you through Friday.

Everything I’ve ever known is a lie. RT @ASUDevilscom: Brock Osweiler measured 6-foot-6 7/8 at NFL Combine without shoes.

— Gina Mizell (@ginamizell) February 24, 2012

• Can’t trust a blessed thing in this world. If we can’t depend on Brock Osweiler being 6-8, what can we depend on? Next thing you’ll tell us Ron Zook is, at best, a mediocre and unenthusiastic jetskiier.

• More like “leaders of the pack beating a fast trail out of Denton,” amirite, Hoosiers? The problem, in the end, with naming conference divisions “Leaders” and “Legends” is that every league, no matter how stacked, is going to have its Indiana. Smart and sassy Michigan internet fixture MGoBlog follows up our shoddy “research” with some “research” of its own — and speaking of shoddy, Brand Explorers still can’t spell “analysis.” Fun extrapolation from the ensuing comment thread: “This, combined with the the poll posted on the board yesterday, suggests that Michigan fans disapprove of the division names more strongly than they approve of Brady Hoke.” Who just won Michigan a Sugar Bowl, you might have heard.

• The state bird of Ohio. Is not football, but don’t mention that to the northern cardinal.

• Ricky Williams, graven idol. We can only hope that future civilizations, surveying the wreckage of post-zombie-apocalyptic America, will find these bronzed tributes to our beautiful game and build a religion around them.

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The venerable catlab, mysterious maker of terrifying psychedelic college football videos, returns with a Nebraska-themed offering that we watched yesterday morning shortly before undergoing dental surgery. You will see why this was a bad move on our part once you play the video. (Just never live to be 30, gentle readers. You break a tooth eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and it’s aalllll downhill from there, we hear. The dental assistant tending us yesterday is two years older, and told us she once broke one of her molars on a seedless grape. All of a sudden Logan’s Run doesn’t look quite so dystopian.)