Crystal footballs are nice, but if Nick Saban can’t fix Alabama’s hovercraft team, is he really the man for this job, PAAAOWL? (AP)

By Holly Anderson

Despite what you may read on message boards or the pages of this here blog, Nick Saban cannot, as far as we know, actually flex the laws of space and time to his will. Which is too bad, because the Alabama hovercraft team could use some of his PROCESS — that’s right, we said “Alabama hovercraft team”:

The inaugural University Hovercraft Challenge on Saturday turned into a disappointing day for the new Alabama hovercraft team. The team not only lost to their cross-state rival, Auburn University, but barely got to compete. Equipment failure limited the team to completing one lap of a one-hour endurance race on land and water. The Hovering Tigers of Auburn also had drive-shaft issues, but not until it had completed 24 laps to win the competition.

The Hovering Tigers of Auburn — a team you probably didn’t know existed and never knew you loved until right this minute.

By Holly Anderson

"Halftime it was 28-0, that is when I stopped watching" -@BarackObama—
Patrick Claybon (@PatrickClaybon) April 15, 2013

By which we mean “They, too, started to really tune out about halfway through that title game.”

Johnny Football, tiptoeing to greatness with a thunder. (AP)

• Mack Brown offered the Manning Award as a safety. College football’s first freshman Heisman Trophy winner can add another accolade to his surely sagging trophy shelf: Johnny Manziel has won the Manning Award. Manziel entered the national lexicon with last year’s shirtless mugshot follies, won the starting job at Texas A&M as an underclassman, took home the Heisman, obliterated a former conference rival in the Cotton Bowl and will — football gods willing — continue to stay on his “hi, haters” message train throughout the forthcoming offseason. It is getting perilously close to impossible to hate Johnny Football, particularly if you don’t have a rooting interest in a defense that had to play him this year. Congrats, kiddo.

• Coach-firin’ follies. The silly season rolls on in the assistants derby: OUT goes Louisiana defensive coordinator Greg Stewart … IN comes Mario Cristobal at Miami in a most excellent personnel coup for the ‘Canes … and IN comes Ted Roof, back at Georgia Tech? (Related reading: “Has the internet desensitized us to the extraordinary?”)

• Gettin’ drafty. GONE: Tennessee’s three brightest offensive stars. BACK: Tajh Boyd, whose future presence, along with Aaron Murray’s, makes Clemson’s Week 1 date with Georgia an absolute must-watch game. GONE, TEARILY: Outland Trophy winner Luke Joeckel, whose letter to the faithful of Texas A&M you simply must read.

• Roster blotter. Burnt Orange Nation has the latest on the allegations against Case McCoy and Jordan Hicks … charges are expected against Arizona’s Ka’Deem Carey.

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Just going to repeat yesterday’s MACtion preview caption here: “Behold Jordan Lynch. Fear Jordan Lynch.” (AP)

• Northern Illinois 31, Toledo 24. We do so love what’s become an annual late-season scramble for division supremacy between the Huskies and Rockets, and last night’s contest did not disappoint. The Huskies, who have won 10 games for the third straight year, will represent the MAC West in Detroit for the third consecutive season, and will face either Kent State or Bowling Green once they get there. Quarterback Jordan Lynch threw for 407 yards (a career best) and rushed for 162 more. No, by himself. No, seriously. Lynch was sent here by the football gods to make sure we all properly appreciate MACtion for the weeknight blessing it is. Message received. [BOX | RECAP]

• Ball State 52, Ohio 27. The Bobcats trailed by four points heading into halftime and were nearly doubled up by the end of the game, thanks mostly to a 21-point fourth-quarter scoring barrage from the Cardinals. Ball State scored three touchdowns in less than nine minutes on a Horactio Banks run, a Kelly Page pass and a Jahwan Edwards run. Page replaced starter Keith Wenning, who left the game in the second quarter with an Achilles injury. Also, this happened. [BOX | RECAP]

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In two weeks and one day, PROCESS PROCESS PROCESS PROCESS PROCESS PROCESS PROCESS WHIR BLEEP BLOOP PROCESS.

15 days.