Kind of like preseason awards for the upcoming weekend of football, and just as binding. For additional preview content heading into Week 5, check out Andy Staples’ Walkthrough.

• POINTIEST POINTSPLOSION: No. 25 Baylor @ No. 9 West Virginia. We need this. “We,” in this case, stands for “America.” We were blessed with one of the finer shootouts in recent memory last Friday night, when Louisiana-Monroe and Baylor damned the very notion of defense and just lobbed bombs at each other for 60 minutes. It is the Bears’ sovereign duty to motor into Morgantown tomorrow morning with the same agenda in mind, and the Mountaineers’ to be gracious and accommodating hosts in this respect. The over/under for this game currently hovers in the low 80s, and we think that’s insufficient. We hope it’s insufficient. By the time this thing is over all fans should be too wrung out from touchdown celebrations to even consider burning the nearest piece of upholstered furniture.

We will be spiritually satisfied with nothing less than those 30 seconds at the end of a fireworks show sustained for three to four hours. We regret only that this is a noon game, which will make the smoke emanating from the scoreboard by the end of the first half more difficult to Instagram. College football trickster gods, hear our prayer.

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Assorted bests and worsts from the weekend that was:

Tino Sunseri: Making football things happen since RIGHT NOW, haters. (AP)

• Best gotcha. From Pitt’s sports information department: “Each of Pitt’s five wins over Virginia Tech have come against nationally ranked Hokie squads (No. 13/13 in 2012; No. 5/5 in 2003; No. 3/3 in 2002; No. 12/13 in 2001 and No. 19/20 in 1997).” In other news to make you question whether that blue you’re seeing is really blue, Tino Sunseri is your Big East Offensive Player of the Week.

• Worst portents. First, we offended a couple Twitter followers over the weekend with a lively animated GIF of Smokey’s hindquarters, so if your employer thinks dogs should always wear pants, do not click this link. Second, remember always that the gods of sport are capricious, and never, ever Tempt The Wrath Of The Whatever From High Atop The Thing:

Pastor leading Lord’s Prayer at Neyland Stadium skipped “amen” and went straight to “Go Big Orange!”

— Mark Schlabach (@Mark_Schlabach) September 15, 2012

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Tracking the zeitgeist of college football’s second weekend through social media:

MAMA! COME ON INSIDE! ONE OF THESE UTAH TEAMS BOUT TO PUNT! CAN’T MISS THAT!

— Jason Kirk (@JasonKirkSBN) September 8, 2012

ACC MISSED THE BOAT ON UTAH.

— THE KEY PLAY (@thekeyplay) September 8, 2012

Special Teams Coach Beehive was a sentimental hire from the start for Utah. Won’t save his job after this game. (Plus: is beehive.)

— edsbs (@edsbs) September 8, 2012

@andy_staples @ben_jones88 We’re still getting our shirts and ties pressed at 9 am.We’re not Juggalos.

— Bobby Big Wheel (@BobbyBigWheel) September 8, 2012

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Jeff Driskel accounted for 138 all-purpose yards as Florida edged out Bowling Green. (Sam Greenwood/Getty Images)

Snap Judgments from Saturday’s afternoon slate. For more from SI.com check out our early and late Snaps, plus our game coverage of Alabama-Michigan, Auburn-Clemson, Ohio-Penn State, South Carolina-Vanderbilt, Washington State-BYU, NC State-Tennessee and Boise State-Michigan State and our full Top 25 review.

• No. 23 Florida 27, Bowling Green 14. Whatever else happens, today will always be the day we saw a MAC player do a chomping throat slash in the Swamp. A couple more breaks and slightly better all-around play (two missed field goals will loom large in the minds of the Falcons), and Bowling Green, on the road, could’ve beaten the Florida Gators. Whether this is “the year” of any conference remains very much to be seen, but this Saturday was a fun one for fans of the MAC.

Five more elements that most perfectly symbolize this afternoon’s action:
1. Florida getting hit with 13 penalties for a total loss of 101 yards.
2. The faked punt that set up the Falcons’ touchdown drive, with Bowling Green’s punter running for a first down and a late hit penalty on Florida tacking on an additional 15 yards.
3. Two Bowling Green players colliding, Three Stooges-style, in midair.
4. The Gators getting a false start penalty in the victory formation.
5. This:

Crowd boos a cop for stabbing a beach ball.

— Alligator Army (@AlligatorArmy) September 1, 2012

We could fill another entire blog post with indignant reactions that followed the announcement that Jacoby Brissett and Jeff Driskel would be co-starters at quarterback for Florida. With both in the first huddle, fear spiked that Muschamp meant they would start at quarterback simultaneously, but Brissett lined up at quarterback on first down, and Driskel settled in at receiver. On the next play, Driskel took over under center, and, as previously promised by Muschamp, they alternated the first two quarters — sort of. Driskel played the rest of the first quarter and was allowed to complete his already in-progress drive that ate up more than five minutes of the second quarter, culminating in the Gators’ first touchdown of the afternoon, a 15-yard run by Mike Gillislee. Brissett took over for the remainder of the half, and Driskel played the entire second half.

Our dad was visiting today, and theorized that Florida’s lines, or perhaps Muschamp himself, were easily distracted by laser pointers. He also hypothesized that some enterprising visitor in the stands had figured this out. It’s not the worst theory we’ve ever heard. The Falcons led once in the first quarter and tied the game again in the third. And while the final score was semi-respectable, reactions from our Gator buddies regarding what it took to get there ranged from white-hot rage to bleak despair. [BOX | RECAP]

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62% of the country is dead wrong on the most important question facing the nation this week. twitter.com/11W/status/240…

— Eleven Warriors (@11W) August 29, 2012

• PEOPLE. WE ARE A DAY AWAY. GET IT TOGETHER. In other wrongity-wrong map news, please enjoy playing “how many mistakes are in this picture” with this map of college football rooting interests (via @RedditCFB).

• And now, the weather. To yesterday’s list of teams affected by Hurricane Isaac, you may now add Louisiana Tech, which has moved its Thursday opener with Texas A&M to Oct. 13, and South Alabama, whose all-n00b debut versus UTSA will shift from Thursday to Saturday.

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Ohio State football coach Francis Schmidt leads practice in 1938: twitter.com/si_vault/statu…

— Andy Gray (@si_vault) August 21, 2012

Tell us these guys don’t look like they’re about three seconds away from all breaking into song.

• Everything about college football recruiting remains anywhere from vaguely to outright creepy. From the pros to the rest of us.

• What does Collin Klein look for in a date? “Someone just like my mom,” he said “–but younger.”

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Wisconsin’s Montee Ball was the victim of an ‘unprovoked assault’ Wednesday morning. (AP)

Star Wisconsin running back and 2011 Heisman Trophy finalist Montee Ball was attacked by five men while walking down Madison’s University Avenue early Wednesday morning. The police incident report, obtained via UW press release, states that Ball was hospitalized for head injuries sustained after being thrown to the ground and kicked. The report further states, “It does not appear he knew his attackers and this is being investigated as an unprovoked assault.”

Bret Bielema released the following statement through UW’s Athletic Communications office:

“My concern right now is for Montee’s health and well-being. Montee has been released from the hospital and is under the care and supervision of our sports medicine staff. We will continue to evaluate him as we approach the start of fall camp this weekend. I do expect Montee to make a full recovery.”

Ball later tweeted to his followers:

I appreciate the support and thank you for the concerns.I will be okay! See you guys in September!#WiscONsin

— Montee Ball (@M_Ball28) August 1, 2012

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Lovingly curated light reading to speed you through your Friday. 

• This has even less to do with football than usual, but just try not to have a good afternoon while grooving down to Bob Ross. We dare you. (And if that doesn’t work, might we suggest #bearcam? [Via.]

• “SMU Athletes Accuse Prostitute Of Burglary.” Now THAT is a clickable headline. Read on!

One of the players, identified as Uchenna Nwabuike, told police he believed the person responsible for the thefts was an escort. The linebacker from Missouri City went on to tell authorities that he had, “made a deal with the suspect to have sex with her for $50.”

In the police report, Nwabuike admitted that, “he did not pay the suspect for the acts that she performed” and left the woman in the home alone while the players attended the banquet.

Top-to-bottom sterling decision-making here.

• Tempted the wrath of the whatever from high atop the stadium. Was it just two weeks ago that we were lamenting the maturation of Tyler Bray? He was a lot more fun to interview back when he was flinging touchdowns and flatly admitting he had no idea what plays he was supposed to run. But every time we’ve seen him this year, it’s been leadership this and footwork that. And so it was that we saw this video, and giggled at the Bray-and-blonde subplot, and wondered vaguely if the UT athletic department was needling fate. SURE ENOUGH, hours later: Reports of Bray winging beer bottles off an apartment balcony. Derek Dooley, naturally, responded: “Obviously his accuracy is not where it needs to be. He missed the trash can.”

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Danny O'Brien is trading in his Maryland flag-themed apparel for Wisconsin's ever-so-slightly more traditional look. (US PRESSWIRE)

We’re hitting the road for our first swing through spring camps, so you’re getting your roundup reading today. Normal posting will resume Monday. 

• Wisconsin wins Whimsy Wednesday! Wowsers! Bret Bielema (the alliteration hits just keep on coming) has landed high-profile transfer fish and Maryland refugee Danny O’Brien, and will attempt to stage an encore presentation of 2011′s smash hit, “Anything Your ACC Quarterback Can Do, He Can Do Better Here,” starring Russell Wilson. (It’s a working title.) Our sincere best wishes to O’Brien, whom we hope informed Randy Edsall of his decision by leaving a terse answering machine message explaining that Wisconsin is his “dream school.”

• This blurb also not sponsored by Allstate. No Allstate Police Blotter Item of the Week this week thanks to a strange lull in college football-adjacent crime, but we can’t let the week pass without recognizing the efforts of Boston College defensive lineman Jaryd Rudolph, who got himself busted making a sex tape of a teammate and a female BC student. It was an audio-only sex tape, making it the “losing to one-win Maryland” of erotica. (Sorry, Terps. Not your day. Here, have a metaphor.)

• Hail to the Sun Belt, sure is a fun belt, Ra! Ra! Ra! Georgia State to the Sun Belt one scant season after joining the CAA? Sure, why not? This is the age of San Diego State to the Big East, and nothing is sacred or sensical.

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Happy Hearts Day, from our families to yours.

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