Don’t let the outfit fool you: Testudo will have some adjusting to do in the harsh climes of the Big Ten. (AP)

Maryland fans who’ve found yourselves muttering derisively, “Ugh, you could not pay me to go to Iowa” since college football realignment swept the Terps off to the Big Ten: Know that there are those in your school’s administration who disagree with you! From the Baltimore Sun:

The University of Maryland’s deal to join the Big Ten includes not only the lucrative annual payouts that all members receive, but also a significant concession obtained by the school — a subsidy worth tens of millions of dollars from the conference to offset athletic teams’ anticipated higher travel costs, according to multiple sources.

Call it November-road-date-with-Minnesota money.

@SIHolly This turtle has DISAPPOINTED ME. It is SOFT. It is PROBABLY A HIPPY punchpunchpunchpunch—
Matt Brown (@MattLGHL) February 12, 2013

• Just let us have this. And it came to pass that Urban Meyer’s recycled turtle story, which brought great joy to all corners of God’s green internet, gained such traction that Ohio State’s media relations folks were forced to issue the following statement, which we are printing here in full, caps and italics emphasis faithfully reproduced from the original document:

Date:    Feb. 12, 2013
To:       Media Covering Ohio State Football
What:   Joke

This note is in response to the headlines that are running on the internet that don’t seem to take into consideration that Coach Meyer told a JOKE to a crowd of high school coaches last week. He was telling a story about toughness and he exaggerated a story about toughness. It is the same story he has told numerous times before, including last year at this same convention; only the coach he talked about last year wasn’t Coach Hayes, but Coach Bruce.

So please know: the story about toughness that Coach Meyer shared with a crowd last week and the year before and numerous times before was a joke and only a joke.  

Thank you in advance for your clarifications.

Nothing gold can stay, y’all.

• In happier B1G news … Barry Alvarez says the Big Ten is done scheduling FCS programs. We are pleased. Some other folks are not, and there are valid reasons, but we’d still rather watch New Mexico State than the Citadel. Sorry, the Citadel.

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Urbz will whip this conference into shape if he has to beat every other team in it into utter senselessness year after year after year. (Wait. What?) (Robin Alam/Icon SMI)

The Big Ten would like its coaches back in the house before the streetlights come on, and not just on game days! The following statement was released on Monday afternoon, through the league office:

Park Ridge, Ill. — The Big Ten Football Coaches and Athletic Directors met today in Park Ridge for a regularly scheduled meeting and subsequently issued the following statement with regard to pending NCAA DI legislation impacting college football:

We reviewed the 26 Rules Working Group proposals acted upon by the NCAA Board of Directors in January, some of which will become effective as early as July 1, 2013. While we applaud the work that has been done to date, we are very concerned that the timeline proposed for implementation of the proposals does not allow sufficient time for the Football Recruiting Subcommittee of the NCAA Leadership Council to thoughtfully consider the impact of the proposals.

We are specifically concerned with the following three proposals and ask that they be tabled along with Proposal 13-2:

Proposal 11-2: Athletics Personnel – Limitations on the Number and Duties of Coaches – Elimination of Recruiting Coordination Functions

Proposal 13-3: Recruiting – Deregulation of Modes and Numerical Limitations on Communication

Proposal 13-5-A:  Recruiting – Elimination of Printed Recruiting Materials and Video/Audio Legislation

We have serious concerns whether these proposals, as currently written, are in the best interest of high school student-athletes, their families and their coaches. We are also concerned about the adverse effect they would have on college coaches, administrators and university resources. 

We look forward to working with the NCAA toward improving the game, the recruiting process and the overall college football experience for all student-athletes.

There is no protestation against the sad and sorry failure to call 13-5-A the Fathead Proposal? HARRUMPH. Harrumph, we say. Internet wag reactions after the jump, in an impromptu Slow Monday Laff Riot:

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Too busy crafting a dynasty to neatly dice an avocado and shave a little parmesan, Nick Saban? Probably, yes.

• Is this a photo from Nick Saban’s Instagram account? SPOILER ALERT: No. No, it is not, because that’s fresh-cracked pepper you see on those delicious salads, and who has the time?

• Here is a story that will in no way end in screams and wig-snatching. Urban Meyer is eventually going to lose a Big Ten game, but until he does, this story will recur a lot and will always be hilaaaaarious.

• Meticulously faithful recreation of the Legends of the Hidden Temple set or GTFO. The playoff selection selection committee is hard at work. Our opinion on this matter is well known.

• Today in Irresistably Clickable Headlines: “Arkansas Builds Bielema Giant Truck Set For Signing Day.” Get it? Because tailgating? Get it? Please, somebody make this contraption a drivable reality and park it in the Grove for four days this fall.

• Oh, nothing. Gary Pinkel is not a fan of recruiting rankings, and it’s probably for the best that there’s no way to assign a star value to losing a commit to Minnesota.

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An important lacrosse thing is happening here. (AP)

When we think of NCAA lacrosse at all, we think of East Coast schools, which is more than understandable; thanks to the prowess of Syracuse, Maryland, Virginia, Duke and North Carolina, there hasn’t been a Division I title game without a current Big East or ACC member school participating since 1987. But it’s the Big Ten that might be edging further into lacrosse territory, and further into Maryland, if it succeeds in wooing away Johns Hopkins as a lacrosse-only member for a brand-new league:

 Being a DI program in a DIII athletic department, Johns Hopkins has flexibility within lacrosse that nearly all of its peers lack — the best interest of the lacrosse team is the leading consideration in potential conference affiliation, not a byproduct of the football and basketball teams’ most lucrative TV deals, as has been the case in many recent realignment choices. As a result, coach Dave Pietramala, athletic director Tom Calder and the rest of the Blue Jay staff can consider the future of the program and its possible conference decision more narrowly than most of their counterparts. In a conversation with IL earlier in January, Pietramala said while his program hasn’t joined a league or been offered an invitation to join a league and no decision is imminent, Hopkins is considering its options to abandon its long-lived independence.

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South teammates having a Senior Bowl moment. (AP)

• Actual football content! Sort of! E.J. Manuel earned MVP honors at Saturday’s Senior Bowl, scoring the South’s first two touchdowns — a two-yard run and a 20-yard pass to Alabama’s Michael Williams — to give his team a 14-0 first-quarter lead. BYU’s Ziggy Ansah shone on defense with seven tackles, 1.5 sacks and a forced fumble. Stepfan Taylor led all rushers with nine carries for 53 yards; Kenjon Barner was the game’s top receiver with seven catches for 59 yards.

Also, this happened. Of course it did.

• And what do recruiters make of the new recruiting regulations? ”It’s insane. It’s bad on both ends,” said a recruiting coordinator at a major-conference school. “If it’s not regulated where coaches have periods here and there that are designated as breaks, you don’t get any time with your family.” That and more from Stewart Mandel.

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Florida incoming transfer Darious Cummings is going by “Bear” Cummings. What do you guys want to be called?

— Jason Lieser (@PBPjasonlieser) January 15, 2013

• How would he feel about “Bearious” for more formal occasions? If we’re all supposed to be taking after forest creatures for a fresh new look for spring 2013, we would like to be referred to from here on as “Killer Otter.” Thank you for your attention to this matter.

• And speaking of spring. Army’s spring game, which graced our neck of the woods at Fort Benning last year, continues its freshly-established traveling tradition with a March 8 scrimmage set to take place at Fort Hood, Texas.

• The Coliseum just needs a place to crash for a few days, until it gets things figured out. The Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum Commission is behind in its rent, per the L.A. Times, but once it gets its free-range vegan water bottle business up and running things are really going to turn around. It’s not a pyramid scheme. It’s not!

• That’s a helluva windbreak. Texas Tech approves plans for a “freestanding high-definition video board,” theoretically to be installed and operational in time for the 2013 season.

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There is no such thing as a compelling photo of NCAA COI deliberations, so here is Sebastian in a vaguely menacing posture. (AP)

Assorted items of varying degrees of interest which you may have missed while grudgingly watching playoff football and sending surly tweets to the Golden Globes:

• The NCAA is Lucy, and Miami football is the football, and we are Charlie Brown running toward it, or something? This metaphor holds up only to demonstrate how very much we wish for this all to be over, but here we go: The Miami Herald is calling the release of NCAA allegations against the Hurricanes football program “imminent,” just short of the investigation’s two-year anniversary. Bylaw Blogger John Infante lays out all the ways this process could still be stalled, and how the Miami case might affect Oregon’s.

• Mike Stoops also a fan of Hi Haters Friday! Friday night, 6:06 p.m., Tulsa World‘s John E. Hoover posts a transcript excerpt of a Mike Stoops radio interview, specifically a question regarding Johnny Football: “They’re gonna be tough to deal with. If they can keep him out of jail or keep him eligible, he’s gonna be pretty good.” Friday night, 10:37 p.m., Tulsa World post headline: “Mike Stoops regrets controversial comments on Manziel.” Had Stoops’ defense possessed that kind of on-the-fly adaptability in the Cotton Bowl, perhaps Manziel would not have scored four touchdowns against it, PAAAOWL.

• Roster blotter. In better news for Miami: Seantrel Henderson, Brandon Linder and Curtis Porter announced Monday morning they all intend to return to the ‘Canes in 2013 … in even better news for Profiteroles fans, Dri Archer will stay on for his senior season at Kent State … Iowa State quarterback Jared “That Kid Who Beat Oklahoma State” Barnett and linebacker C.J. Morgan intend to transfer … Texas defensive tackle Brandon Moore will enter the draft … also declaring is USC corner Nickell Robey, whom we will dearly miss watching because of his too-perfect defensive name … Oregon linebacker Anthony Wallace will transfer … Case McCoy and Jordan Hicks have been reinstated at Texas … and Casey Pachall returns to the Horned Frogs.

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Commissioner Delany, can we get a little Gator Chomp?

• From the “Things That Will In No Way End In Heartbreak” Department. The Chick-fil-A Bowl has set up a “Rivalizer” web app that allows you to accessorize the photo of your choice with paraphernalia supporting the ACC or SEC team of your choice. We have a modest example on the right here.

• Well, now we KNOW he’s lying. Nick Saban, betraying his true form by acting like he’s some kind of mortal being with a defined lifespan: “I really enjoy what I’m doing here right now. I’m getting old now.” For the record, we hope he stays at Alabama forever, just to see if he ages more slowly than his statue outside Bryant-Denny Stadium.

• Roster blotter. Alabama’s Barrett Jones continues to rest his injured foot … Oregon’s Kyle Long has lost his eligibility appeal … Washington State’s Jeff Tuel will try his luck at the NFL draft … Missouri’s Ka’Ra Stewart has been dismissed from the Tigers following a drug possession arrest.

• Quote of the day. “The [university] presidents and athletic directors need to wake up about these [non-automatic qualifying] conferences and understand that they don’t have the fan appeal.” — Gator Bowl president Rick Catlett. “His SEC/Big Ten game is going for $2.50.” — Stewart Mandel.

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• With a Champoline, bien sûr. Shutdown Fullback welcomes the 2012 postseason by drinking on  trampoline and discussing (sort of) the impending New Mexico Bowl:

A felicitous bowl season to all.

• Oh, you wanted football. Bill Connelly breaks down this weekend’s bowl action in New Mexico and Potato previews that contain maths.

• “Actual division names TBD.” Time to dredge up all those Ro-Tel-infested, be-Barbasoled threads concerning the infinite list of possibilites that would have made better division names than Leaders and Legends, for redistricting time in the Big Ten is upon us. This will in no way end with heartbreak and nationwide derision, particularly not if they go with that Hunger Games-inspired “inner-outer” arrangement.

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