The Switzies are named in honor of Barry Switzer, patron saint of college football frolicking. (Andy Hayt/SI)

By Holly Anderson

In which we hand out imaginary trophies at the midpoint of the offseason, to celebrate living this long without football. Our pets remember what we look like in the mornings, now. It’s weird. Previous Switzies: 2011 midseason, 2011 postseason , 2012 offseason, 2012 midseason, 2012 postseason.

• Best offseason SI cover. We’re counting Colin Kaepernick’s appearance here as a #WACtion victory, but nothing tops Jadeveon Clowney overshadowing March Madness previews:

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Always great to see Coach Switzer at @OU_Football practice. Hey @GotBoz44 I think Coach borrowed your jacket! http://t.co/FeZKl25RJk—
Pete Moris (@PeteMoris) March 10, 2013

Barry Switzer is the sun, and we are but surly planets orbiting about him.

The Switzies are named for former Oklahoma coach Barry Switzer, patron saint of football frolicking. Ten imaginary trophies — and the coveted Grape Job! plaque — honor our on- and off-field favorites at the close of the season.

• Special Achievement in Spectacle by a Heisman Winner. Johnny Manziel made more spectacular plays this season, in front of bigger crowds than the one that showed up in Shreveport when the Aggies faced Louisiana Tech in mid-October. But we got to see this one with our own eyes, giving it a special place in the shining black pits where our hearts should be. 

Just a madcap sequence of events on a night that saw more than its share of them.

• GameDay Moment of the Year. Someday eons into the future, when as-yet unimagined civilizations discover Earth and piece together the history of college football, it is our fervent and enduring hope that a being fancying itself a prophet uncovers this photo of South Carolina’s live mascot being fed Steve Spurrier-branded wine, and builds a religion around it.

Did Sir Big Spur sample the Steve Spurrier wine? twitter.com/gogamecocks/st…

— GoGamecocks.com (@gogamecocks) October 6, 2012

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62% of the country is dead wrong on the most important question facing the nation this week. twitter.com/11W/status/240…

— Eleven Warriors (@11W) August 29, 2012

• PEOPLE. WE ARE A DAY AWAY. GET IT TOGETHER. In other wrongity-wrong map news, please enjoy playing “how many mistakes are in this picture” with this map of college football rooting interests (via @RedditCFB).

• And now, the weather. To yesterday’s list of teams affected by Hurricane Isaac, you may now add Louisiana Tech, which has moved its Thursday opener with Texas A&M to Oct. 13, and South Alabama, whose all-n00b debut versus UTSA will shift from Thursday to Saturday.

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Louisville fans: concerned with face paint, not concerned with fall weddings. (ZUMAPRESS.com)

Programming note: Campus Union will be on hiatus next week as we flee west to catch a little sunstroke before the crush of media days. Regular posting will resume Monday, June 25. Until then, you can follow our PCH madcap misadventures on Twitter, or just gaze with wondrous adoration at our shiny new banner up top. Beards! Laserfeet! 

Below, lovingly curated light reading to speed you to your weekend:

• Reader mail: The Miracle Marriage. Our favorite response to Tuesday’s Troll Wedding Calendar came from intrepid occasional colleague Godfrey, who writes:

I used a late January business trip to London to propose, ostensibly because I could do so in unforgettable vista of the WW2-bombed ruins of a Catholic church inside the old City of London gates  (#nohumblebrag) but also because the time of the proposal would theoretically not permit a big Southern wedding to planned in time for the Sept-Oct window but OH S*** I WAS WRONG SHE’S REALLY ORGANIZED.

My fandom was outweighed (read: overruled) by that whole “undying love and commitment thing, two become one in the eyes God, etc…,” and 10/23/10 was selected due to the church’s availability. The reception was held in her parent’s home (straight up North Louisiana Steel Magnolias, srsly. My future father-in-law even shot squirrels out of the oak trees that morning).

The groomsmen fan affiliation broke down accordingly: 2 Ole Miss, 1 UGA, 1 Texas, 2 LSU, 1 Louisville (/was not concerned). You’d think a 630pm wedding on 10/23/10, the heart of the season, would spell disaster, especially with three SEC teams.

Behold, a miracle:

11:00 CT – Texas vs. Iowa State
11:20am CT – Ole Miss at Arkansas
2:30pm CT – LSU at Auburn (game ended right as the limo came to take the groomsmen to the church)
6:15pm CT – UGA at Kentucky (the sole conflict, BUT they re-aired it on FSN that night at 3am in the hotel bar, because yes, he watched it then)

The only minor complaint the entire night was a sole Bama fan unable to witness a mere routine slaughter of Tennessee. ONE fan out of a group of 300.

PS – As compensation, we had all-bourbon bar at the reception. Seven top-shelf choices to assist in helping most attendees forget what day/week/sports season it was before 9 p.m.

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Assorted bits of light reading to speed you through your Friday.

• Fear the Fruit. Delta State’s “Fear the Okra” campaign continues to delight and horrify in equal measure.

• Welcome to the College Football Hall of Fame Tent, sponsored by Coca-Cola. We prefer to think this is just a power play enacted as sort of a protest movement against those who would block the enshrinement of Stephen Garcia’s hair.

• What, no Sam Bradford? Starting Monday, you can vote for RGIII’s EA Sports sidekick.

• All in the graven idol game. Auburn’s Heis-men statues will be unveiled at the Tigers’ spring game. We’re holding out for a statue of Pat Dye.

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