Most followed CFB Teams on #Twitter: 1. Michigan 132,074; 2. LSU 98,739; 3. Alabama 76,193; 4. Tennessee 63,824; 5. Auburn 58,864—
Tennessee Football (@Vol_Football) April 01, 2013

Some thoughts:

• That’s a lot of keys to imagine jangling in the general direction of a lot of computer screens.

• Alabama is not the national champion at something, and we find this deeply unsettling.

• No, we don’t know why that many people want to know about Tennessee or Auburn football either.

So passes our best hope for an entertaining spring. (AP)

In the most resounding stroke of bad fortune in an offseason fraught with them, Harvey Updyke pled guilty Friday to charges related to the poisoning of Auburn’s beloved oak trees, depriving us all of the opportunity to tailgate a trial. We are sorely disappointed in the legal minds on both sides, although they’re making their excuse sound good:

“We have a significant number of violent felonies awaiting trial in Lee County and I could not in good conscience justify financing a three-week trial merely to arrive at no better a resolution,” Lee County District Attorney Robbie Treese said in a statement.

And while that is all very important, we were going to put on a big hat and white gloves and have a nice picnic on the courthouse lawn to show support for our Auburn pals, consarnit. This could’ve been the In Cold Blood of the internet age, and we are all spiritually poorer for it.

Cam Newton probably could’ve bought everybody in his class a donut shop, but he settled for not saddling any of his new schoolmates with the burdens of operating a small business:

Cam brought our class doughnuts and orange juice! #WarCamEagle!! http://t.co/eXQhuQgIjM—
Brookelyne Harvel (@UnoOjo) February 21, 2013

It’s just a few baby steps from here to the baby elephant thing, right?

[Via War Eagle Reader.]

• We put a lot of work into that headline. Be nice. Here is Ohio State’s new logo, to your right. Can you spot the changes? Do you like them? IF YOU DO YOU ARE WRONG AND GROSS:

Though Ohio State could’ve gone any number of directions with the new logo, they instead effectively rendered an end result that looks something like an Adobe Photoshop CS6 mistake from a first time attendee at a design camp. The biproduct is a mark that’s unreadable at best, and appears to the naked eye as “O-S-E hio-tat” (tattoos? Get it?). While the minds behind the creative decision could’ve properly kerned the logo, instead they elected to take the easy way out and completely punt on crafting the typography.

• Crootin’ comin’! Stay tuned tomorrow for our power rankings of ridiculous Signing Day stunts, and place your prop bets now on whether any of SBN’s helpful suggestions will come to pass … Northwestern prospect Matt Alviti is missing part of his ear, which absolutely does count as news, because February … and Reuben Foster is back to Alabama. (For. the. moment.) Did you hear he has an Auburn tattoo? Once or twice? A day? For the last month? Jason Kirk has an excellent point about that:

I really think the ballin'est thing Foster could possibly do is leave the tattoo exactly as-is and never talk about it.—
Jason Kirk (@JasonKirkSBN) February 05, 2013

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DeWayne Walker set the coaching carousel spinning once more with his late departure from New Mexico State. (AP)

Tommy Tuberville’s sitting by the phone* and Jimmy Sexton’s got that particular sparkle in his eye. It can mean only one thing: The coach firin’ season is upon us once more. We’ll be tracking the carousel of progress, right here, for as long as it takes to stop spinning. Raise a glass to times past, won’t you? * Well, not anymore, but never tell us we don’t have the gift of very specific prophecy through throwaway jokes.

New Mexico State [updated 02.01.2013]

• Who’s out: DeWayne Walker, who jumps to the NFL with less than two weeks remaining between now and Signing Day. And not even for a coordinating gig: Walker will coach defensive backs for the Jacksonville Jaguars. Walker released the following statement through the athletic department: “I really appreciate the opportunity that Dr. Boston and New Mexico State gave me to be a Division I head football coach. Unfortunately, I did not get the program as far as I would have liked from a wins and losses standpoint. But, we do have a better locker room, better kids and a better foundation for the program moving forward. There are a lot of people that I want to thank for their support and will be reaching out to those individuals in the coming days. They have helped me in moving the program forward. I am excited about starting a new chapter in my coaching career, as is my family. I wish New Mexico State great success in the future and wish everyone the best. Go Aggies!” • Who’s in: Doug Martin — the one who played at Kentucky, not the one who played at Boise State. Although if Martin The Younger is really so opposed to his excellent nickname, we’re gonna refer to Martin The Elder as coach Muscle Hamster instead. It’s been a whirlwind courtship for Martin and the Aggies: He was announced as offensive coordinator on January 17, temporarily promoted to interim head coach on January 24 and will be officially announced as DeWayne Walker’s successor on Monday, February 4. Martin’s previous head coaching experience consists of a seven-year stint at Kent State, from 2004-2010. Read More…

We have at least three weeks’ worth of Sebastian photos on hand, in case this Miami story keeps dragging on. (AP)

Assorted newsy bits — of varying degrees of importance — you might have missed over the long weekend:

• Didn’t we already do this headline a week ago? ”Imminent” can mean a lot of things! In the cosmic sense, the NCAA’s investigation of Miami has spanned less than a fraction of an eyeblink, but here we are, riding on a human-speed space-time wave, just twiddling our bloggy thumbs until the ‘Canes’ notice of allegations drops. The latest rumblings, per Bruce Feldman, involve a very large book being thrown at ex-Miami and current Louisville assistant Clint Hurtt and other former ‘Canes colleagues. We’ll have more on this when we actually see the notice of allegations, unless we don’t see this notice of allegations, in which case we’ll be right back here next Monday writing a third variation on this same headline.

• And speaking of the NCAA: On the final day of the annual NCAA convention, the latest raft of changes — touted as an effort to streamline NCAA regulations — were unveiled. Your friendly neighborhood Bylaw Blogger takes a look at one proposal, regarding recruiting start dates, that was left out of the bundle.

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Cam Newton: Once a Tiger, now a Panther. Once a Big Man on Campus, always a Big Man on Campus. (AP)

Cam Newton is back at Auburn, taking spring classes and working toward his degree. Cam Newton will not be doing any press on this matter, according to Auburn. This leaves us with a lot of time on our hands to imagine what we would get up to if thrust back into a college environment with all of Newton’s accolades.

Are there any among you who would not abuse this situation just a tiny little bit? Here follows our abbreviated list of things we would try at Auburn if we happened to be a famous pro football player:

• Bring different combination of Auburn/Carolina apparel to campus every day. Festoon statue accordingly. Frequent refreshes for holidays/notable school events.

• Purchase baby elephant. Name it after Pat Dye. Outfit with tiny houndstooth hat. Drape with decorative blanket reading “28-27.” Take everywhere.

• Persuade Auburn biology department to breed tigers with panthers to produce the ultimate mascot/guardian-pet.

• At irregular intervals, pay for lunches of students in cafeteria line. When approached for autographs, claim to be Kenny Chesney in elaborate disguise and on stilts.

• Join intramural bowling, badminton or ping-pong team. Take everything involved WAY too seriously.

• Stage Cam Newton Look-Alike Contest.

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Five-star defensive end recruit Dee Liner has made a beeline away from Auburn. (Icon SMI)

• IMPORTANT DEE LINER, D-LINER NEWS. We did promise you at the end of the season that we wouldn’t get mired too deep in recruiting antics, not being super interested in prospects until they actually take the field in August, but exceptions will always be made for defensive ends named Dee Liner. Liner, a five-star prospect from Muscle Shoals who’s ranked by Rivals as the second-best overall recruit at his position, has decommitted from Auburn, citing the loss of his relationships with Gene Chizik and Trooper Taylor. This has been a public service announcement to remind you all that there is a defensive prospect out there named Dee Liner. Thank you.

• Coach-hirin’ follies! Coordinators snapped up by new schools since we last typed in this here box: Bill Cubit (OC) at Illinois, Josh Conklin (DC) at FIU, David Gibbs (DC) at Houston and — reportedly — Scot Loeffler at Virginia Tech.

• Roster blotter. Roster moves and non-moves since we last typed in this here box: Notre Dame’s Cierre Wood intends to turn pro; Oklahoma’s Aaron Colvin will return; Houston’s Charles Sims is staying a Cougar for one more year; and Nebraska’s Sean Fisher is forgoing a possible sixth season of eligibility in favor of medical school, the little scamp.

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If Brian Kelly takes the Eagles job, maybe there will be an NFL team that Alabama could beat

— Brandon (@TeamSpeedKills) January 10, 2013

• Eagles to turn next to R. Kelly. There are folks getting awfully het up at Brian Kelly (subscription required) for his dalliances with the Philadelphia Eagles, who are just trying to live frugally after printing up all those WE <3 COACH KELLY cocktail napkins for Chip.

Elsewhere in coach-hirin’ follies: Obvious international superspy Bob Toledo will rejoin Rocky Long as offensive coordinator at San Diego State … Chuck Bresnahan will coordinate Willie Taggart’s defense at South Florida … Bill Young is out and Glenn Spencer is in as Oklahoma State’s defensive coordinator … Texas A&M swipes West Virginia’s quarterbacks coach to serve as co-offensive coordinator in College Station … and from Regular Virginia, Kevin Sumlin snags an assistant who’d been with the Cavaliers for just over a week.

• Roster blotter. Eddie Lacy, Dee Milliner and D.J. Fluker will all leave Alabama early to enter the NFL draft … Clint Moseley has left Auburn football, though not Auburn … also draft-bound, Clemson’s Nuke Hopkins, Washington State’s Marquess Wilson and Georgia’s Kwame Geathers … Joseph Randle to turn pro, per Joseph Randle … LSU has, at last count, 11 early departures … notable non-departures include Texas A&M’s Jake Matthews and Texas’ Mike Davis … and spare some healing vibes for Notre Dame’s Kapron Lewis-Moore, whose BCS title game injury has been confirmed as an ACL tear.

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Manti Te’o adds the Maxwell, Bednarik and Walter Camp awards to his trophy haul. (Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)

• Manti Manti Manti Manti Manti Manti (repeat). For those of you scoring at home, that’s the Maxwell Award, Bednarik Award and Walter Camp Foundation Player of the Year award all for Manti Te’o to add to his sagging trophy shelf. Also taking home hardware on Thursday night: Johnny Manziel (Davey O’Brien Award), Luke Joeckel (Outland Trophy), Monteé Ball (Doak Walker Award), Marqise Lee (Biletnikoff Award), Johnthan Banks (Jim Thorpe Award), Cairo Santos (Lou Groza Award) and Ryan Allen (Ray Guy Award, again).

• Taylor Swift for ACC Commissioner. Thrust forth yesterday from the ACC Council of Presidents, which is never ever letting any of those meanies from the Big Ten or dummyheads from the Big East in its treehouse again, ever: “We, the undersigned presidents of the Atlantic Coast Conference, wish to express our commitment to preserve and protect the future of our outstanding league. We want to be clear that the speculation about ACC schools in negotiations or considering alternatives to the ACC are totally false. The presidents of the ACC are united in our commitment to a strong and enduring conference. The ACC has long been a leader in intercollegiate athletics, both academically and athletically, and the constitution of our existing and future member schools will maintain the ACC’s position as one of the nation’s premier conferences.”

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