Could Kyle Brotzman’s notorious miss against Nevada in 2010 be a boon for Boise State? (Peter Read Miller/SI)

Stanford’s offensive coordinator position was recently endowed by an anonymous donor to honor Andrew Luck (gross autoplay video alert at that link). The donation got friend of the program The Gurgling Cod thinking about how to turn this into a rivalry game:

UGA FAN PROTIP — make anon gift to GT, name OC position after Reggie Ball. #trollanthropy espn.go.com/college-footba…

— The Gurgling Cod (@TheGurglingCod) May 23, 2012

Monied fans, you have your marching orders. Our previous bloggy home has just wrapped up an annual charity drive in which donations are given to match rivalry scores (say, $70.33 for enthusiastic fans of January’s Orange Bowl outcome), but an endowment? Oh, that’s a gift that lasts and lasts. We have 10 modest suggestions for our readers overburdened with spite and disposable income:

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Legendary coach Barry Switzer is the patron saint of Campus Union’s college football awards; Dana Holgorsen is one of our distinguished spring 2012 imaginary award recipients. (US PRESSWIRE)

[Previously: 2011 midseason Switzies | 2011 year-end Switzies]

Preseason football is meaningless football, but that won’t stop us from handing out imaginary trophies to the luminaries of spring. Be sure to also check out Andy Staples’ post-spring Top 25 and Stewart Mandel’s 10 spring lessons.

• The Paul Erdős Plaque for Most Relentlessly Complex Spring Game Scoring System: Auburn, which awarded players extra points for “explosive plays”  and consecutive first downs, confounding all onlookers.

• The Mark Mangino Medal of Mean Expectation Lowering: Quoth Dana Holgorsen, tempering fan panic as he tinkers with his offense: ”The guys in there? If we’re playing with them in the fall, we’re not going to win.”

• Most Likely To Announce His Own Retirement At Halftime Of The First Game Due To Incurable Sadness: We had Frank Spaziani slotted in here until about three minutes before hitting the “publish” button, when we realized we’re not sure if he’s capable of processing human sadness. Would Kirk Ferentz make an able runner-up candidate? He keeps right on losing running backs, had to replace two coordinators and has a Week 1 date with Northern Illinois. The Huskies are themselves replacing Chandler Harnish, but if Jordan Lynch can even prove a halfway passable facsimile … oh, man.

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Cam Newton, poet. (AP)

Once college football players cross the stage at the NFL draft, they generally pass out of our purview for good, but by special reader request, we will respond to Cam Newton writing a poem commemorating the unveiling of a statue memorializing his brief and bright career at Auburn.

We hate a lot of modern art, though we will support at the top of our lungs the necessity of its existence and the right of other people to create it. We just don’t want to have to look at it. It took moving to this neighborhood after college and being immersed in gallery openings all the time to finally embolden us to take a stand against having to stand in poorly lit converted warehouses pretending to find meaning in artisanal crayon cuneiform homages. It’s one thing to go to, say, the Louvre, but for some reason we don’t have much use for living artists, and find it difficult to see man’s inhumanity to man in an acrylic-painted lightbulb attached to a board that blinks with the precise frequency of a mockingbird’s flapping wings. It is not for us. We were around 25 before we realized this was OK.

We feel the same way about modern poetry. That’s a lot of introductory text, but we feel it’s important that you, gentle readers, know the barren well we’re coming from when asked to evaluate art. Here now, the opening stanzas of Newton’s poem, as lovingly transcribed by the Opelika-Auburn News:

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Photo via intrepid reader Josh, from the Aubie Calendar.

Unlike baseball, college football is actually supposed to have an opening weekend. (REUTERS)

All this chirping about based ball’s Opening “Day” just makes us pine for five months from now, when college football will accomplish in five days what baseball crams into nine or so. Is it too early to start making out our Week 1 mayhem wish list? Probably!

Thursday, August 30

• South Carolina @ Vanderbilt. James Franklin taunts Jadeveon Clowney after the Commodores pull off a late go-ahead touchdown, and the ensuing fracas manages to convince SEC officials to suspend the South Carolina stalwart. Seeking revenge, Steve Spurrier departs Nashville with five or six of Franklin’s scholarship quarterbacks, to feather his depth-chart-fiddlin’ nest back in Columbia. No one is truly satisfied, but no lessons are learned.

• Minnesota @ UNLV. TCF Bank revokes Golden Gophers’ stadium sponsorship after team refuses to pay $5,000 in ATM fees following return from Vegas.

• UCF @ Akron. Zips win, and Terry Bowden gets free jousting privileges at all Medieval Times locations for life.

• UMass @ UConn. In their FBS debut, the Minutemen rout the Huskies, relegating Connecticut to the MAC by a previously unnoticed realignment provision. All involved parties agree this is probably in everyone’s best interest.

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Nick Saban already has a statue. Why not add a school? (US PRESSWIRE)

Nick Saban High is not to be, and we are all a little less lethally efficient for it.

Montgomery Public Schools spokesman Tom Salter, who was on the naming committee, said he certainly learned a lot during the process. But when grilled about the potential of a Saban High, he chose his words carefully.

“As big as an Alabama fan as I am, it would likely not be an appropriate choice, especially this close to the Plains,” he said.

Salter playfully declined comment when asked to speculate why there were no submission for Auburn University football coach Gene Chizik.

Plus, what would they call the school once Saban leaves to coach the Cowboys, PAAAOWL? (If anybody needs me, I’ll be hiding in the office for the rest of the week in fear of landmines being placed under my car.)

[Via: FOTP.]

Assorted bits of light reading to speed you through your Friday.

• Fear the Fruit. Delta State’s “Fear the Okra” campaign continues to delight and horrify in equal measure.

• Welcome to the College Football Hall of Fame Tent, sponsored by Coca-Cola. We prefer to think this is just a power play enacted as sort of a protest movement against those who would block the enshrinement of Stephen Garcia’s hair.

• What, no Sam Bradford? Starting Monday, you can vote for RGIII’s EA Sports sidekick.

• All in the graven idol game. Auburn’s Heis-men statues will be unveiled at the Tigers’ spring game. We’re holding out for a statue of Pat Dye.

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Ken Ard resigned his post as South Carolina's Lt. Governor following an ethics scandal that included spending campaign funds on a hotel room for the 2010 SEC Championship Game. (AP)

Bear with us as we celebrate a rare but relevant political detour Friday! Emphasis added for reasons that will quickly become obvious:

COLUMBIA, SC (WIS) – South Carolina Lt. Gov. Ken Ard has resigned from his position following an almost year-long ethics scandal.

Ard’s ethics trouble began shortly after he was elected in 2010. Campaign disclosure forms showed he had been using campaign funds for things like a hotel room for the 2010 SEC Championship, gas, food, meals, airfare across the country, postage, advertising, phone services, and consulting.

And all he got for his troubles was an ethics investigation and a highly public pantsing of his team at the hands of Auburn. Look, we’re not cheerleading political corruption over here, but YOU try finding a hotel room within comfortable driving distance of the Georgia Dome, especially when the season’s already started and particularly on a government salary. Alabama fans book up everything within 20 miles five years in advance, just in case. MARRIOTT POINTS NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP, PAAAOWL.

Five-star tackle Andrus Peat headlines Stanford's terrifyingly fierce offensive line class. (US PRESSWIRE)

• “When you’re the first person in your family to graduate from high school, you don’t need to be sitting out.” Justin Taylor and family spoke to the AJC about Taylor’s decision to spurn Alabama’s offer of a grayshirt year and sign with Kentucky instead. The three-star running back and Atlanta native will look to infuse some life into a rushing offense that averaged just 124 yards per game in 2011.

• The SEC East resurgence comes not from the south, but from the sides. Andy Staples was on the scene in Nashville as James Franklin reeled in the flossiest class in Vanderbilt program history.

• “Urban Meyer can’t stop yawning.” An unfair excerpt from Stewart Mandel’s visit with the Urbz and his mighty crop of blue-chippers.

• They’ll breed. You’ll die. We legitimately fear the prowess of the linemen Stanford has landed.

• Go west, and north. Steve Sarkisian lost some in-state gems, but pillaged California in return.

• Jordan Payton settles! This counts as news at this point.

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Dorial Green-Beckham made the biggest news of the day by signing with Missouri. (AP)

SI.com’s Signing Day live blog is a maelstrom of activity. Our friends at Rivals are also conducting a live Signing Day chat, if that’s your thing. And because no one is more committed to bringing you news of children smugly selecting hats from cafeteria tables, we present our unofficial scoreboard of announcements for the day.

Clubhouse leaders

1. Kwon Alexander, LB, LSU: Employed purple bowtie and suspenders.

2. Justin Taylor, RB, Kentucky: Shrugged off Alabama’s grayshirt offer.

3. Kyle Dodson, OT, Ohio State: Spit rhymes!

4. Dorial Green-Beckham, WR, Missouri: Is Dorial Green-Beckham.

5. Kevin Hart, OL, Missouri Western State: Is actually signing a for-real LOI this time.

6. Darius Hamilton, DL, Rutgers: Sticking with the scarlet sans Greg Schiano.

7. Bralon Addison, WR, Oregon: Flitted to the Ducks from the Pokes and Aggies after what seemed a why-not trip to Eugene.

8. JaQuay Williams, WR, Auburn: Reminds us why covering recruiting is maddening.

This board will be updated as events warrant. The top slot will automatically go to any player bringing out a baby animal at his signing announcement.

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