Campus Union’s comprehensive guide to a treat-filled college football Halloween
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO BE FOR HALLOWEEN?—
DE'ANTHONY THOMAS (@EATBLACKMOMBA6) October 31, 2013
Happy Halloween! OK, now that we got that out of the way (as contractually obligated), it’s time to make sports and holidays go together, which is sometimes tougher than it seems. But college football is already filled with late nights, costumes and truly horrifying experiences. So we’ve put together a short guide to help you make this year’s Halloween as oblong-shaped and rubbery as possible.
1. Kliff Klavin: You’re going to be temped to dress up as Kliff Kingsbury, but so is everyone else. Consider this costume the Joker of 2013 college football get-ups. It’s not original, though, and no matter how well your costume turns out, you’re gunning for second place because this kid has got it on lock.
So dig deeper. Kliff Klavin is everyone’s favorite Hollywood postman. The ladies are sure to flock to you when you start rattling off impressive college football facts, like how the Air Raid got its name because coaches used to spray Raid in the air to prepare players for games at high altitudes.
2. A$AP Rocky Long: You run the risk of no one actually getting this costume, but it’s worth a shot. Sure, it’s been a
rocky difficult road for San Diego State so far in 2013, but yeah he hates to punt is that a problem?
3. Will Machamp: Pokémon are so hot right now. And with the many faces of Will Muschamp, this costume will be evergreen.
4. The Delta State Fighting Okra: It might be hard to get your hands on an authentic costume, but if you make your own, it’s sure to scare your friends. Just pop up when people are least expecting it and play all kinds of tricks.
5. Bret Bielema: It’s just versatile in a pinch.
*Honorable mention: Puddles dressed as Lee Corso dressed as Puddles dressed as Lee Corso dressed as Puddles
1. The College Football Playoff committee: Don’t do it. Just don’t. I don’t care if you and your friends think it’s a good idea or not. No one is going to give you any candy, and there’s a very real possibility that SEC fans might think you’re the real thing. Does anyone really know what Tom Jernstedt looks like?
2. St. Nick Saban: Christmas is all about The Process and making the elves better every day. Message board sources say Terry Saban has recently been house hunting with a North Pole realtor.
3. That jumping Kansas horsemask fan: No.
(Via SB Nation)
4. Lil’ Red: Because unless you want to be institutionalized, this is probably a horrible costume idea.
5. Larry David Shaw: If you’re a balding fellow, you might be tempted to buy a crewneck sweatshirt, write “STANFORD” on it in Sharpie and walk around trying out your best Curb Your Enthusiasm bits. I’m here to tell you that no one will be happy at the end of the night.
Scariest places to play
1. Death Valley (LSU): Obviously.
2. Lubbock (Texas Tech): Because I’m more than a little certain that Tommy Tuberville buried three or four Horcruxes beneath Jones AT&T Stadium.
3. Ames (Iowa State): I’ve seen Children of the Corn. You won’t make it out of Iowa alive.
4. Pullman (Washington State): Everyone has been enjoying adult beverages for most of the past week, and we’re one viral outbreak and another turnover away from a 28 Days Later scenario.
5. The Glass Bowl (Toledo): Have you ever been to the western part of Ohio?
Best coaches’ houses to visit while trick-or-treating
1. Ed Orgeron: If he’s giving his linemen cookies and catering practices with Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles, just imagine how nice he’ll be to the lucky children in ballerina and cowboy costumes.
2. Hugh Freeze: He’s giving out sacks of full-size candy bars. The good ones, too, like Snickers. The only catch is you suddenly feel an urge to commit to Ole Miss on the spot.
3. Jim Grobe: Waffle House gift certificates!
4. Charlie Strong: Everyone is afraid to go to Strong’s house for some reason, but the brave ones who make the trip are rewarded with Frosty coupons and stretchy mock turtlenecks.
5. Mike Riley: In-N-Out burgers are perfectly acceptable substitutes for candy.
Worst coaches’ houses to visit while trick-or-treating
1. Kirk Ferentz: You get a magic jawbreaker, and Ferentz warns you to be careful with it. But you start sucking on it, and it lasts for years and years. You want to stop but you can’t. It’s still there and you’re running out of saliva. Are you cursed? You’re really not sure.
2. Mike Leach: Because what in the living heck are kids going to do with 17th-century death masks anyway?
3. Rob Ryan: Wait, what do you mean Rob Ryan isn’t a college coach? I don’t care, I’m not going anywhere near Rob Ryan’s house.
4. Les Miles: You’re either getting a piece of turf or a piece of gum and it’s whatever Les is chewing on at that very moment. Enjoy!
5. Dana Holgorsen: Red Bull is not an acceptable substitute for candy.