Posted August 09, 2013

Miami dedicates locker room to The Rock, revolutionizes alumni relations

ACC, Al Golden, Hi Haters, Miami Hurricanes
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

This photo will (presumably) hang above each of the Miami lockers to boost morale. (Miami Herald/MCT/Getty Images)

By Martin Rickman

Wrestling fans (and fans of ‘The U’) know The Rock’s backstory well by now. Dwayne Johnson was a highly recruited defensive lineman out of Pennsylvania. He went to Miami, won a national championship, got hurt, lost his job to a guy named Warren Sapp and eventually became arguably the most successful professional wrestler-turned-actor ever. (He also attached his name to the Fast & Furious franchise, which is one of the smartest things a person can do nowadays.) Now that we’re all caught up, let’s see what Mr. The Rock is currently up to:

Obviously, this is huge news. Imagine the recruiting potential:

“Yes, my name is coach Al Golden of the Miami Hurricanes. I’d like to give you a tour of our facilities. We have a lot of tradition and history at ‘The U.’ You may remember our great years like 1983, or 1987, or 1989, or 1991, or 2001. We had a transitionary period, but we’re back on track, and we think you’ll fit in nicely. Come with me, I’d like to talk about training and … “

“HOLY SMOKES YOUR LOCKER ROOM IS NAMED AFTER THE ROCK????”

“Yes, Dwayne or Dewey as he was called at the time. We should have named it Dwayne “The Rock” “Rock” “Dewey” Johnson Locker Room, am I right? Ha ha ha.”

“OH MAN THE ROCK! YEAH LET’S DO THIS THING WHERE DO I SIGN?”

See? It’s genius. All famous alumni with enough money, regardless of whether they played football or not, should get into the locker room act. It could be the next big thing in school and celebrity relations. To get things started, here are 20 colleges that should name their locker rooms after famous former students.

Syracuse (Aaron Sorkin): The Locker Room — By Aaron Sorkin

Northwestern (George R.R. Martin): A Locker Room Of Ice And Fire

Wake Forest (Lee Norris): The Lee Norris Wait No You Do Know Who He Is Didn’t You Watch Boy Meets World Or One Tree Hill Locker Room For Football

• Temple (Bill Cosby): This Is A Very Funny Locker Room Right!

Maryland (Larry David): Larry David’s Pretty Pretttyy Prettttyyyy Good Locker Room

Virginia Tech (Hoda Kotb): It’s Hoda! (This Is My Locker Room Now And I Don’t Have To Share It With Anybody)

Alabama (Timothy Leary): Timothy Leary’s Locker Room Doors Of Perception

Colorado (Christopher Meloni): Locker Room: SVU

Kent State (Arsenio Hall): It’s The Arsenio Hall Of Lockers (WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO)

Georgia (Alton Brown): Alton Brown’s Good Eats Locker Room

Houston (Paul Wall): Call The Locker Room George Foreman Cuz It’s Selling Everybody Grillz (Legally, Of Course)

Indiana (Lee Majors): The Six Million Dollar Locker Room (I Am Not Sure If It Cost Six Million Dollars, Lee Majors Built It Without Telling Us)

Rutgers (Toni Morrison): Toni Morrison’s “The Bluest Locker Room” (“Wait, Rutgers’ colors don’t include blue.” “Just go with it; it’s Toni Morrison she’s a legend.”)

Iowa (Tom Arnold): N/A; Tom Arnold said he’d pay for the locker room if the school let him name it, but the check never came. Tom, if you are reading this, please make the check out to “The University of Iowa Athletic Department” and write “The Stupids” in the memo.

TCU (Rod Roddy): The Rod Roddy Come On Down! You’re The Next Contestant On The Locker Room Is Right! Memorial Locker Room

Oklahoma State (Gary Busey): GARY BUSEY GARY BUSEY GARY BUSEY GARY BUSEY (Busey’s only request was that his name be everywhere, on everything and pasted across a border surrounding the room. He also didn’t want the locker room to be named. Locker rooms are more of an idea. Any room can be a locker room if you believe it to be so.)

Mississippi State (John Grisham): The Chamber® by John Grisham

Oregon (Ken Kesey): After Sometimes A Great Locker Room by Ken Kesey was rejected despite a strong groundswell, Phil Knight just gave another $300 million to name the locker room AirMax 95.

Kansas (Bob Dole): That’s Bob Dole’s Locker Room

West Virginia (Billy Mays): But Wait There’s More, If You Order Right Now We’ll Double Your Order That’s Two Locker Rooms For The Price Of One

14 comments
RichardClark
RichardClark

Michigan could do the James Earl Jones locker room. Come on...it is the voice of Darth Vader and Mufasa


JCheng
JCheng

Odd that there's a "Rod Roddy Memorial" room, yet the same isn't for Tim Leary, Ken Kesey or Billy Mays...

Iamnotanenabler
Iamnotanenabler

This is about college football. Is it just me or did you get tired of Lame Kiffin jokes?

6marK6
6marK6

SO whereas some schools brag about their alumni being statesman, scientists and artists, Miami takes pride in having produced professional wrasslers. It is a UNIVERSITY, not "American Idol." How did his experiences at the University of Miami lead to his future success? 

SandHills
SandHills

But shouldn't they be - as was "The Rock" - at least a varsity athlete in the sport?

AaronBird
AaronBird

Lee Majors didn't graduate from Indiana though, he transferred to Eastern Kentucky University where he would play his last football game and get into acting.

Brandon Young
Brandon Young

Brett Favre or Jimmy Buffett are both USM (Southern Mississippi) grads.  Can you really beat that?

JustVisiting
JustVisiting

Clever, but it's too bad you missed the chance to use a real Rutgers alumnus. As a big supporter of the school and athletics, especially football, Ganolfini would have been such an obvious choice! Toni Morrison has an honorary degree; her B.A. is from Howard and M.A. from Cornell.

Gatorthugs1
Gatorthugs1

University of Florida could call their locker room "cell block F" or "the state penitentiary".

MarkRowden
MarkRowden

Georgia's already got the perfect motto for Alton Brown, "Let the Big Dawgs eat!"

ScottKent
ScottKent

University of Central Florida - Daniel Tosh - Locker Room.0

storm2k
storm2k

Wait, seriously, we don't name the Rutgers locker room after James Gandolfini and just call it "The Bing"?

Air_Force_Juan
Air_Force_Juan

Purdue (Neil Armstrong): One small tackle for man, one giant sack for mankind.