Our pals at Land Grant Holy Land undertook the noble offseason task this week of determining which Ohio State athletes would best serve on a (sadly theoretical) Quidditch team. It is safe to assume that you will not hear any other media outlet call DeShaun Thomas “the second coming of Alicia Spinnet” for the rest of your natural lives. Being Harry Potter crossover completists, we are piling on by helpfully determining which college football players would make the best Quidditch balls. We have linked out to helpful explanations of each ball from the Harry Potter Lexicon.
• Quaffle: Stedman Bailey. Because if there’s scoring to be done, he’s probably involved.
• Bludger: Jadeveon Clowney. Bludgers are balls of iron that hit people.
• Bludger: Jarvis Jones. See above.
• Golden Snitch: Dri Archer. A Snitch frequently evades capture and is worth 150 points. Sounds about right.