The Switzies are named for former Oklahoma coach Barry Switzer, patron saint of football frolicking. Ten imaginary trophies — and the coveted Grape Job! plaque — honor our on- and off-field favorites at the close of the season.
• Special Achievement in Spectacle by a Heisman Winner. Johnny Manziel made more spectacular plays this season, in front of bigger crowds than the one that showed up in Shreveport when the Aggies faced Louisiana Tech in mid-October. But we got to see this one with our own eyes, giving it a special place in the shining black pits where our hearts should be.
Just a madcap sequence of events on a night that saw more than its share of them.
• GameDay Moment of the Year. Someday eons into the future, when as-yet unimagined civilizations discover Earth and piece together the history of college football, it is our fervent and enduring hope that a being fancying itself a prophet uncovers this photo of South Carolina’s live mascot being fed Steve Spurrier-branded wine, and builds a religion around it.
Did Sir Big Spur sample the Steve Spurrier wine? twitter.com/gogamecocks/st…
— GoGamecocks.com (@gogamecocks) October 6, 2012
• Best Celebration Dance. Chuckie Keeton, quarterback, Utah State, after beating Utah in Week 2. There are like nineteen parts to this move. All of them are delightful.
• Best Smack Talk, Twitter Division. Why a Vanderbilt fan might hold such animosity towards Baylor is not for us to know, but we do appreciate the care this gentleman invests in his sick uniform burns.
@siholly good thing baylor has those aloe vera leaves conveniently located on their shoulders to help them when they get burned on defense
— Ben Schnitz (@benschnitz) September 22, 2012
• Best Fan, Individual. The thing that gets us about LIZHONEY is that, unlike so many other heartsick individuals posting musical tributes to their team, she’s actually got a very nice voice. And also a strip of tape across her nose.
• Best Fan, Group. If you don’t want the Utah student section to turn up unannounced at various bowls this season and rush the field at the most inopportune moments, we’re not sure what you’re doing reading this blog.
• Best Worst Tailgating Idea. Sonic, we’re fascinated. But we’re still not entirely trusting that this safe.
Stacey is in Cajun country this weekend, and apparently about to place a very important order. twitter.com/david_roy/stat…
— David Roy (@david_roy) September 29, 2012
• Best Off-Field Mascot Performance. Mississippi State’s Bully on a water treadmill. With the holiday season underway, we reiterate our pleas for ESPN to dedicate a 24/7 stream to looped video of this, as a sort of cuddly and very wet Yule Log.
• Best Fat Guy Touchdown That Wasn’t. Washington State nose tackle Kalafitoni Pole, listed at 6-foot-1 and 277 pounds on the Cougars’ roster, caught what was supposed to be a Keith Price throwaway on the first play of overtime in the Apple Cup, only to be tackled just five yards short of the end zone. It would be a field goal that won the day for the Cougars, but Pole’s pick turned the game, and thanks to added layers of rivalry spite and overtime dramatics, tops our leaderboard of large-man football antics for the year.
• Grape Job! of the Year. Sorry, Colorado. There’s just no forgetting this quarterback sneak. Mike MacIntyre appears to be a good coach and an excellent hire, so take heart from your offseason and enter 2013 with a reduced likelihood of repeating as Grape Job! honorees.