A Thousand Points of Spite: Week 8 awards
Miscellaneous awards dispensed in honor of college football’s weekend that was:
• ALTERNATE HELMET POWER RANKINGS. After careful deliberation with some of college football’s top minds, we have selected our top three alt football hats from Week 8.
1. Boise State, whose matte black be-Broncoed helmets topped what’s maybe the best blackout uniform we’ve seen this year. (That’s a short list, but still.) It’s the malevolent orange eye on the side that elevates these from mere headwear into the realm of art.
2. Michigan State, in green “Hydrochrome,” which is shiny and beautiful, has a hint of bass-boat finish about it and also has the benefit of sounding like it was made by a G.I. Joe villain. (Not, apparently, a villain equipped with the power to beat Michigan, but we can’t all be superbosses.)
3. Northwestern, whose black and silver contraptions popped beautifully in HD but really needed some neon purple whiskers or something to be truly on-trend.
HONORABLE MENTION: Duke, whose blue-on-black helmets didn’t carry well on television but were obviously effective.
Please, those of you whose teams’ helmets were not selected, take this as a deeply personal insult.
• Pregame precious moment of the week. Ryan Lochte picking Auburn to win the A&M-LSU game is a real thing that happened:
• Spectacle of the week, offense. Bryan Bennett and Marcus Mariota, doing more deeply delightful Ducks things that seem like they wouldn’t work given a hundred tries in any other football game. HONORABLE MENTION: Kenjon Barner, seen here repelling an Arizona State defender through sheer force of personal magnetism.
• Spectacle of the week, defense. Shamarko Thomas, Syracuse, doing his very best to spice up Friday night football with a Family Circus-style interception return. HONORABLE MENTION: Arthur Brown, Kansas State, linebacker, streakbreaker.
• GRAPE JOB! Dave Christensen, c’mere, buddy. We’re late on this, and we’re sorry, but this video didn’t pop up on our radar screens until this week. (Doesn’t the title just make it?) Language warning!
Please accept our apologies, D-Chris, and an affectionate hair ruffle for calling the Air Force football coach “Flyboy,” which makes perfect sense, given how often Troy Calhoun is called upon to pilot airplanes in his capacity as a football coach. Isn’t it jarring to see coaches acting like normal irate fans? It’s like running into your math teacher at the mall.
• Best shade-throwing. This is equally as vicious as the above rant, make no mistake, but infinitely better executed:
Pat Fitzgerald on Vanderbilt backing out of games vs NU: “I think it just shows where our program is heading in comparison to theirs.”
— Adam Hoge (@AdamHogeCBS) October 19, 2012
• Best ongoing social media thing. Drake and T. Boone, never stop doing this.
— T. Boone Pickens (@boonepickens) October 19, 2012
• Most NSFW box score. With apologies to Louisiana Tech-Idaho, have to give this to Houston-SMU for the circus moments on both sides. After all, it’s not every day you see three different players each throw two interceptions … for the same team.
• Burniest symbolism. BIG TEX! NooOOOOoooo!
— Mackenzie Kelly (@mkelly007) October 19, 2012