Posted September 24, 2012

A Thousand Points of Spite: Week 4 awards

Awards, Baylor Bears, Bowls, Dangerous Mascots, Denard Robinson, Louisiana Tech Bulldogs, Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks, Mark Dantonio, Maryland Terrapins, Michigan Wolverines, Oregon Ducks, Oregon State Beavers, Roll Tide, SEC, Steve Spurrier, Texas Tech Red Raiders, UAB Blazers

Assorted bests and worsts from college football’s weekend that was:

Play of the week. Bryan Bennett, Colt Lyerla, we don’t even particularly want to know what happened here; we just want to bask in its radiance. Friendship!

Just a few yards further back from the goal line and this might have turned into the clown-shoed fumble of the week, which makes it all the more poignant and glorious.

• Best (only-ish) reason to watch Maryland football in 2012: Stefon Diggs, you enchant a nation.We have a feeling he’d look this good even if he weren’t surrounded by West Virginia’s secondary.

• Most byzantine burn. Everyone, please remember to stretch before talking smack. You don’t want to pull something. This kind of convolution is not to be attempted by amateurs:

• Most ghoulish stat. Denard Robinson, we have no familial, academic, or social connections to Michigan football, but we have to take your side here against the spider-gods of college football. Throwing four of the Wolverine’s five interceptions, in the space of a quarter, is an unheard-of cosmic smiting. Stringing them together on consecutive possessions is just ghastly for whoever’s at the switchboard of the universe.

• 2012 Unnecessary Bowl Scout Leaderboard Update. Nameless Pinstripe Bowl scout credentialed for last year’s LSU-Alabama game, you are relieved of duty. Your successors, however pale:

• Frontrunner for reaction image of the year. Though it came from a Clemson partisan (via @RedditCFB) and appears to depict soccer fans, after a weekend in which four MAC teams knocked off AQ schools, we imagine there’s a lot of this going around.

• Best postgame media appearance. Steve Spurrier, just for the week, you have been bested despite a valiant effort. Behold Mark Dantonio’s buttoned-down displeasure (that hoodie probably has buttons, somewhere). Kind of have to applaud his efficiency here; this got through things much faster than if he’d hemmed and hawed and still ended up saying nothing, like so many of his peers.

• Best ESPNU logo. We said this on Twitter earlier, but it is reprehensible that more mascots are not dragons.

• Best postgame reward. Gloating over a conference win is its own pleasure? Whatever. Give us double-doubles, please and thank you.

• READER POLL! Most suitable imaginary new SEC team. So we had this elaborate joke plotted out for the course of the season that, like most things we do here, was incredibly funny to us and only to us. It would have involved us counting Urban Meyer’s wins at Ohio State as SEC victories, but his team’s behavior against Cal and UAB has us reconsidering. While the Buckeyes bake just a little longer in the crucible of Meyer’s searing will, we’re going to need a new program with lots of reflected glory to adopt for trolling purposes.

3 comments
emc503
emc503

The University of ROLL TIDE : A massive fraudulent online university set up so Nick Saban can conveniently skirt redshirting rules, sign 50 players, redshirt half of them and then use it as a giant spare parts drawer for players. The mascot is, of course, a giant Red Cross flag.

hey.alpelican
hey.alpelican

One thousand points of ...cocktails to you for the excellent use of "ghastly," the most underrated descriptor of our time.

purwho
purwho

ROLL DAMN TIDE.  I'MA HANG UP AND LISSEN.