A Thousand Points of Spite: Week 3 Awards
Assorted bests and worsts from the weekend that was:
• Best gotcha. From Pitt’s sports information department: “Each of Pitt’s five wins over Virginia Tech have come against nationally ranked Hokie squads (No. 13/13 in 2012; No. 5/5 in 2003; No. 3/3 in 2002; No. 12/13 in 2001 and No. 19/20 in 1997).” In other news to make you question whether that blue you’re seeing is really blue, Tino Sunseri is your Big East Offensive Player of the Week.
• Worst portents. First, we offended a couple Twitter followers over the weekend with a lively animated GIF of Smokey’s hindquarters, so if your employer thinks dogs should always wear pants, do not click this link. Second, remember always that the gods of sport are capricious, and never, ever Tempt The Wrath Of The Whatever From High Atop The Thing:
Pastor leading Lord’s Prayer at Neyland Stadium skipped “amen” and went straight to “Go Big Orange!”
— Mark Schlabach (@Mark_Schlabach) September 15, 2012
• Best achievement in tailgate technology. Ole Miss, you would have had to do a LOT of party-wining to make up for all that football-losing that went on Saturday, but it appears you were well equipped to do so, as ever:
This is a drink dispenser and 4 TVs will be mounted on it. Well done. instagr.am/p/PmXq40I2bQ/
— Rick Muscles (@RickMuscles) September 15, 2012
• Least amount of respect paid to an Alabama opponent. Awarded this week to the Crimson Tide themselves. LOOK WHAT YOU MADE NICK SABAN DO TO POOR ARKANSAS, NATIONAL MEDIA. CLEAN UP THIS MESS AND FETCH HIM SOME PROCESSED TURKEY. DO NOT LOOK HIM IN THE EYES.
• Grape Job! This will be the fourth time we’ve mentioned it in this space since it actually happened, but we’re having a really hard time getting past the fact that Bret Bielema felt the need to ice Utah State’s kicker. But it “worked”! Wisconsin survives the WAC! Grape job stickers for all!
• The Robbie Rouse Award For Overwhelming Robbie Rouseness. Wallow if you must in the tire fire (but such a scenic tire fire!) that is Colorado football; we’re too busy goggling at Mighty Mouse’s first-quarter stats against the Buffs on Saturday. Rouse was 79 yards from becoming Fresno State’s all-time leading rusher heading into Week 3. He rushed nine times for 144 yards in less than two quarters, and caught four passes for 42 yards before taking a well-deserved breather the rest of the game. Colorado’s own personnel were trolling their own team well before it was over.
• Tastiest cherry-picked early-season stat of the week.
Stat that amuses me today: Florida State is allowing 1.0 points per game.
— Stewart Mandel (@slmandel) September 16, 2012
• Best off-field analysis. Dan Hawkins, breaking down the future careers of a random swath of the Georgia Tech student section, and name-dropping chaos theory, cold fusion and the Higgs-Boson particle. Video kindly provided here by alert reader @7dub7.
• Most cognitive dissonance triggered by a PR rep. To be fair, the social media folks at the Liberty Mutual Coach of the Year award didn’t exactly specify here that the criteria included “winning at football”:
— Andy Staples (@Andy_Staples) September 15, 2012
• Most valiant forgoing of fashion conventions. Ole Miss’ Jeff Scott, running out of his shoe en route to a 48-yard touchdown because NO TIME FOR FOOTWEAR, WE ARE LOSING 45-17 AT HOME.
• Best coachspeak.
Chizik: “You can view it any way you want to view it. I view it as a great win.” Oh, boy.
— Aaron Brenner (@wareagleextra) September 15, 2012
• Best pregame trolling. Stanford band, perennial favorites in this category:
Annnnd the Stanford band leader is dressed as a Trojan. twitter.com/AdamsonAshley/…
— Ashley Adamson (@AdamsonAshley) September 15, 2012
• Biggest trolling growth spurt. It would appear Stanford is continuing its development into a football powerhouse even after the departure of Andrew Luck, and we’re not talking about their win-loss record:
One young girl in a red Stanford sweatshirt — she couldn’t have been more than 18 — rushed up to Lane Kiffin and just started screaming, “[Bleep] you, Lane Kiffin! [Bleep] you, you [bleepin'] loser!”
Spoken like a born-and-raised SEC or Big Ten native.
• Best reason to sleep in on Sunday. Utah student section, your enthusiasm does not diminish, and for that, we honor you — even if the refs don’t feel the same way.
Don’t miss, over there on the left, BYU’s holder executing one of the finest Happy Jump Sad Jumps we have seen captured on video in some time. Simply sublime.