Week 1 Laff Riot: Crimson Tide carcharhiniformes

Tracking the zeitgeist through college football’s opening weekend.

I like that when we play overseas, we send Navy. Just in case.

— Brody Logan (@BrodyLogan) September 1, 2012

Mark Richt has lost control of my bougainvilleas.instagr.am/p/PC6_QMrv3n/

— sarah sprague (@sarah_sprague) September 1, 2012

Casual Todd Blackledge is disconcerting, like seeing your teacher at the grocery store

— Bobby Big Wheel (@BobbyBigWheel) September 1, 2012

Somewhere, I imagine Derek Dooley’s mom visibly seething that her son is on national television with his shirt untucked like a heathen.

— Matt Hinton (@MattRHinton) September 1, 2012

There might be sharper minds in the Saban coaching tree, but none capture that “pooping a pine cone” look of contempt better than D’Antonio.

— Steven Godfrey (@38Godfrey) September 1, 2012

With his loose sideline smock, I’m halfway expecting Dooley to forego a halftime talk in favor of an expressionist painting.

— Clay Travis (@ClayTravisBGID) September 1, 2012

Boise State-Michigan State are staging an homage to Montell Jordan, but the 2012 version and not the This Is How We Do It vintage.

— Luke Zimmermann (@lukezim) September 1, 2012

So, wait. We sent a team named “The Fighting Irish” to Ireland, and then made our own navy the home team? #GoUSA

— Danger Guerrero (@DangerGuerrero) September 1, 2012

“Holding, offense, No. 9. But we’ve decided to let it go, because we want a dude named ‘Gator Hoskins’ to have scored a dope TD.” — refs

— Dan Devine (@YourManDevine) September 1, 2012

it’s time to combine miami (oh) and miami into one superteam that makes a ton of mental errors

— Martin Rickman (@MartinRickman) September 1, 2012

Rumors of “Boston College” playing a football game today. Probably a mirage. Stay hydrated, people.

— Bill Hanstock (@sundownmotel) September 1, 2012

BOSTON COLLEGE CALLED A TIMEOUT BEFORE THEIR FIRST OFFENSIVE PLAY. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLIKILOLILOLOLOLOLOLOLOOOLOLOLOLIKOLKOKLOOLOLOLOLOLOLOOKOOK.

— THE KEY PLAY (@thekeyplay) September 1, 2012

There has to be a play where Driskell and Brissett just play catch with each other till one gets sacked.

— BurritoBrosShits (@BurritoBrosShit) September 1, 2012

15 members of Nebraska band treated for heat-related symptoms, per ESPN. Walk-on program just ain’t what it used to be.

— Paul Myerberg (@PreSnapRead) September 1, 2012

Watching USC’s next opponent Syracuse from Carrier Dome..is there a more depressing college football backdrop?..like a giant sad garage..

— Bill Plaschke (@BillPlaschke) September 1, 2012

Will Muschamp looks like a tater tot. #realtalk

— Kaitlin (@kaitlinwithani) September 1, 2012

for a brief few months i forgot how upset i get during wake forest sporting events the silence was like a blanket

— Martin Rickman (@MartinRickman) September 2, 2012

Florida’s offense is like a Russian doll made of spoiled meat.

— sir broosk (@celebrityhottub) September 1, 2012

BEHOLD MARYLAND’S AWESOME TRIUMPH OVER THE COMBINED FORCES OF WILLIAM AND MARY #GoMerlin #WhenDoesBasketballStart #WeSuckAtThatToo

— Mike Tunison (@xmasape) September 1, 2012

Duke gets an excessive celebration penalty. Marinate on that for a moment.

— Ben Swain (@thedevilwolf) September 1, 2012

Bowling Green’s jerseys look like WalMart Oregon unis

— FriendsoftheProgram (@FOTProgram) September 1, 2012

Youngstown 21, Pitt 10. Johnny Majors is available.

— Pat Forde (@YahooForde) September 2, 2012

Wow, Nick Saban knows his way around these hallways really well. Looks great in them, too!

— Jason Kirk (@JasonKirkSBN) September 2, 2012

My mother is teaching my niece football cheers. The baby is one and half months. We think she’ll have 2 bits learned in an hour.

— Rick Muscles (@RickMuscles) September 1, 2012

The only thought I have about Alabama/Michigan is, when Nick Saban smiles, how many rows of teeth are behind his first four rows?

— Dan Devine (@YourManDevine) September 1, 2012

What do you think Les Miles is thinking about right now? I’m going to guess a squirrel version of Fight Club.

— Sarah (@sarbucks) September 1, 2012

#Auburn TE Phillip Lutzenkirchen is a stud. They even named a country after him

— Mark Schlabach (@Mark_Schlabach) September 2, 2012

Clemson’s doin’ that Running’ straight up Yo Ass & Ain’t Nuthin’ You Can Do About It BALL!!

— Samuel L. Jackson (@SamuelLJackson) September 2, 2012

ABC crew simply remixing the telecast on the fly. Performance art.

— Colin Seiler (@colinseiler) September 2, 2012

If Les Miles is The Hat, Saban is The Pleats.

— Teddy Greenstein (@TeddyGreenstein) September 2, 2012

The Alabama football offices have to be built like the sets on LOTR. All forced perspective angles to make Saban look giant like Gandalf.

— edsbs (@edsbs) September 2, 2012

Oklahoma State 84, Savannah State 0. TBoone should build Savannah a dorm or windmill or something. Proper etiquette.

— Dan Wetzel (@DanWetzel) September 2, 2012

Pretty sure I don’t want advice from Fox Sports regarding my prostate

— DCTrojan (@DCTrojan) September 2, 2012

Maybe Usain Bolt should get a chance to quarterback the Wolverine offense.

— sir broosk (@celebrityhottub) September 2, 2012

If Hoke had really wanted to punish Fitz Toussaint, he would have played him.

— Cecil Hurt (@CecilHurt) September 2, 2012

ACC loss triggers contractual excommunication from the SEC. Mike Slive’s men will be in Auburn Monday to remove all Golden Flake products.

— Matt Hinton (@MattRHinton) September 2, 2012

Brady Hoke has that look your dad gets when you’re smearing him in a video game and he starts shaking the controller saying it doesn’t work.

— Jay Busbee (@jaybusbee) September 2, 2012

YOU KNOW WHAT B1G AND MICHIGAN FAN? YOU’RE RIGHT, YOU’RE BEATING YOURSELF BY NOT RUNNING DENARD SPECIFIC RUN PLAYS MORE! GOOD PLAN!

— Michael Felder (@InTheBleachers) September 2, 2012

I hate Alabama so much I refuse to drive through the state, but my God do I love watching them beat the damnit out of people

— Will West (@WillWestWNML) September 2, 2012

Is it wrong to honestly think the Big Ten’s woes are karmic retribution for the hubris of naming divisions Legends and Leaders?

— Wright Thompson (@wrightthompson) September 2, 2012

The only people who should be chanting “SEC, SEC” are Bama fans and not quite sure why they are sharing the credit.

— Tyler Duffy (@tyduffy) September 2, 2012

Michigan is probably not this bad and Alabama probably isn’t this good. Thank god you’ll be labeled an idiot for saying otherwise.

— Land-Grant Holy Land (@Landgrant33) September 2, 2012

ALERT: MUSTARD ON THE SIDELINE IN EL PASO #FatGuyFirstAidKit

— Patrick Vint (@HS_BHGP) September 2, 2012

Oregon, you are styling tonight. Those helmets have lasers don’t they? They must.

— Ralph D. Russo (@ralphDrussoAP) September 2, 2012

It must be easier to beat Toledo in your first season when people at your school aren’t actively trying to sabotage you.

— Andy Staples (@Andy_Staples) September 2, 2012

Oregon on pace for a 176-0 win over Arkansas State, and it’s Oregon so this is a serious tweet.

— Tom Fornelli (@TomFornelli) September 2, 2012

The MAC is the doomed hitman of college football’s script. Gonna die, but until he does everyone’s coming with him.

— edsbs (@edsbs) September 2, 2012

For more Week 1 coverage from SI.com check out our early, midday and late Snap Judgments, plus our game coverage of Alabama-Michigan, Auburn-Clemson, Ohio-Penn State, South Carolina-Vanderbilt, Washington State-BYU, NC State-Tennessee and Boise State-Michigan State and our full Top 25 review.