Weekend Whimsy: Hap-hap-happy trees!

Lovingly curated light reading to speed you through your Friday. 

• This has even less to do with football than usual, but just try not to have a good afternoon while grooving down to Bob Ross. We dare you. (And if that doesn’t work, might we suggest #bearcam? [Via.]

• “SMU Athletes Accuse Prostitute Of Burglary.” Now THAT is a clickable headline. Read on!

One of the players, identified as Uchenna Nwabuike, told police he believed the person responsible for the thefts was an escort. The linebacker from Missouri City went on to tell authorities that he had, “made a deal with the suspect to have sex with her for $50.”

In the police report, Nwabuike admitted that, “he did not pay the suspect for the acts that she performed” and left the woman in the home alone while the players attended the banquet.

Top-to-bottom sterling decision-making here.

• Tempted the wrath of the whatever from high atop the stadium. Was it just two weeks ago that we were lamenting the maturation of Tyler Bray? He was a lot more fun to interview back when he was flinging touchdowns and flatly admitting he had no idea what plays he was supposed to run. But every time we’ve seen him this year, it’s been leadership this and footwork that. And so it was that we saw this video, and giggled at the Bray-and-blonde subplot, and wondered vaguely if the UT athletic department was needling fate. SURE ENOUGH, hours later: Reports of Bray winging beer bottles off an apartment balcony. Derek Dooley, naturally, responded: “Obviously his accuracy is not where it needs to be. He missed the trash can.”

• Ro-Damn-Tel! Big Ten Media Days continue today, in a more casual setting. Has Purdue Pete always looked this plaintive?

Nightmare fuel. RT @B1Gfootball: #B1G mascots pose with an oversized championship trophy. #B1Gfootball twitter.com/B1Gfootball/st…

— Land-Grant Holy Land (@Landgrant33) July 27, 2012

• Or has Holgo just not purchased new jeans since 1985? Samantha Steele asks Big 12 players to cast their coaches in reality television shows, with predictably amusing results. 

• But no, let’s skip the gym today, we’re just super tired. Jesse Williams can bench 600. Barrett Jones: “I have to block that … “

• Bret Bielema: Still married, and getting good at it.

Newlywed Bret Bielema wearing wedding band on L hand and Big Ten ring on R hand. Which feels better? “Depends on who’s asking.” — Andy Staples (@Andy_Staples) July 27, 2012

• College football’s Time Cube returns. This should hold you over until about Monday.

• And now, Steve Spurrier dancing. Have a great weekend, campers.