The last time we took a daylong car ride, Jim Tressel resigned. The time before that, USC’s NCAA sanctions came down. It should come as no surprise, therefore, that our spending four days in a car last week triggered a blockbuster breaking news moment: Craig James announcing that he won’t be returning to ESPN for the 2012 college football season. According to the Houston Chronicle, James “has been contacted by other networks to gauge his interest in returning to TV,” but the one with most of our football on it will be free of his vacuous presence. Glory be. Just keep a repatriated Darren Rovell off GameDay and we’ll all have a fine and jolly autumn.
In decidedly less funny and markedly more important news: Jerry Sandusky is going to jail for a very, very long time. We haven’t done much talking about this case here, because we find alternating between serious discussions of sexual abuse and photos of college athletes enjoying pedicures to be uncouth and weird. We subsist on jokes in the offseason, but not on these jokes. Some people disagree. That’s their absolute right, but we’re with this guy. We also have the utmost respect for those with the stomach to cover this story, and do it well, including SI’s Luke Winn.
Back to what we’re better at. Items of interest from our week off that we cannot let pass without comment:
• Harvey Updyke, on trial in our backyard! The Toomer’s Corner Treeslayer case got underway just across the border last week, and was delayed before it devolved into a complete clownshow, but not before Updyke confessed to the Auburn student paper and a Wiccan member of the jury pool was asked whether she could be impartial in cases of man-on-flora violence. Y’know, law stuff.
• Playoff things are probably definitely happening! The specter of the four-team playoff grows ever more solid, but big loomy mountains of work remain. All involved parties are cruelly ignoring our pleas for an all-Bowden selection committee, but we do hope they’ll keep at least one spot open for a rotating Dave. Also, Jerry Jones wants a football thing, so how do we think that will go for him?
• Nobody knows what conference Boise State is in. We need flash cards to remember who’s in the MWC and who’s in the WAC this season to begin with, and this is Not Helping.
• Texas Tech holds breath, turns blue. This is a valuable negotiating tactic even past toddler stage, as it turns out.
• Introducing the Russell Athletic Bowl. Keeping with the sporting goods sponsor but changing the name is just going to add another convoluted layer to next year’s Champs Sports Bowl FAQ. But does the game still have the best social media presence in the postseason? Do you even have to ask?
• Mark Richt accessorizes! We suspect those are not his actual biceps.
• Many words were written about Howard Schnellenberger. The suspender game remains strong.
• As one does. Mike Leach was a guest at Matthew McConaughey’s wedding, and presented him with a sword.
• Tweet of the week. @celebrityhottub may have this economy thing licked, y’all:
The stock market won’t ever recover if we keep refusing to let a fully nude Barry Switzer ring the opening bell.
— sir broosk (@celebrityhottub) June 25, 2012
• I think that I shall never see / A poem as lovely as FOOBAW. It’s June, and everywhere you look, college football writers are resorting to poetry to pass the long months. By all means, enjoy yourselves.