Posted June 12, 2012

Wedding planning for advanced trolls

CFB Trolls, Fall Weddings, Rivalries

These Auburn fans have the right idea, folks. (Landov)

Our warm congratulations to all you June brides and grooms, who managed to tie the knot without interfering with America’s true national pastime. The last acceptable Saturdays in the calendar year on which to get married are waning fast, and the scourge of the fall wedding looms large and frilly beyond. Quoth our friend and amateur wedding planner colleague Jason Kirk, “Here’s your complete guide to scheduling a fall wedding: Do not ever do it.”

There are flimsy cases to be made for autumn nuptials. Our dearest friend is fond of saying winter is too cold, summer too hot and spring just too damn chirpy. (We suspect she just wants to throw her fall wedding to test the true devotion of every one of her friends and family. She’s an adorable sociopath.) But you’re always going to trip up somebody’s rooting schedule, even if your entire extended family is all bound to, say, a school with strong ties to your church. BYU alums plotting out ceremonies for the Cougars’ bye week are bound to find some UU partisans lurking in the family trees. Not everybody can get into Notre Dame (just ask anybody who went to Notre Dame).

“But your cousin only gets married once,” your least-favorite auntie might scold, “and football games will still be there next year.” Only if you know your cousin, she’ll stroll down that aisle at least twice more in her lifetime, and the games won’t be there, really. Each Red River Shootout is its own unique creature. Last season’s Orange Bowl can never be replicated. LSU and Alabama, you might have heard, met twice on the field in one year, with wildly divergent outcomes.

There’s always one wedding, no more and no less, from which we are unable to extricate ourselves each season. Some years we end up at a quickie afternoon ceremony the day of a night game, and can make a grateful exit. Some blessed couples stage their reception in a venue with a bank of televisions. And some years, we find ourselves bound by ties of eternal friendship to enter a church we know is about to put on a full wedding Mass with all the trimmings, on the same day as Alabama-LSU, Oregon-USC and TCU-West Virginia.

There is but one comfort in times like these, gentle reader, and it is the use of your own future (if as-yet hypothetical) wedding for revenge purposes. Did your clueless Spartan sister cause you to miss out on some prime Denard action last season? You’re in luck, engaged Wolverines: Michigan’s 2012 bye week falls on Michigan State-Ohio State Saturday. Do your worst.

We have culled a modest selection of suggested dates below for maximum rivalry revenge trolling.

If you went to And your target attended Schedule wedding for
Michigan Michigan State October 29, the Wolverines’ bye week and the day MSU hosts Ohio State in East Lansing.
Clemson South Carolina October 13, when the Tigers are off and the Gamecocks face LSU in Baton Rouge. (Make lots of Death Valley jokes!)
Miami Florida State National Signing Day, when grown men will be too busy howling over the college choices of 18-year-olds to hit on any of your bridesmaids.
Oklahoma State Oklahoma October 13, which will count you out for the Kansas game (no great loss), but which will also keep your OU kin from the Red River Shootout. (Conduct pat-downs at the door.)
Texas Texas Tech October 27. You’d consider it worth missing your Kansas game to deny your Texas Tech brethren the chance to see their rematch with Kansas State, right? (Sorry, Kansas, but honestly.)
Pitt Penn State Skip town after the Friday UConn game for a November 10 wedding that just happens to get underway as the Nittany Lions kick off in Nebraska.
Army Navy What a handy first-week bye you have! The better to schedule a September 1 ceremony right on top of Navy vs. Notre Dame! Better yet, have your wedding in England. So tantalizingly close to that Ireland game.
UCLA USC Would you sacrifice your own November 3 Homecoming game against Arizona to keep your crosstown cousins away from Oregon in the Coliseum? UCLA fan, this might be your only chance for satisfaction all season.
Washington State Washington Skip your first home game, against Eastern Washington on September 8, and cost your Huskies cohorts a trip to Baton Rouge. Frrrosty.
Auburn Alabama Anybody interested in seeing New Mexico State play in Jordan-Hare, even if it is for Homecoming? Get hitched on November 3 instead and your Bammer bros miss out on LSU.
Virginia Virginia Tech Thursday night, November 8, so as not to miss your Saturday date with Miami, which will cause VT partisans to miss their Thursday date with FSU.

Printable guide here, for future reference: 2012 Wedding Troll Calendar. Godspeed.

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