Lovingly curated light readings to speed you through your Friday:
• Hi, haters. There’s a font of NSFW language in the above video, so beware unless your boss finds it charming when profanity is sung or delivered in a British accent. But click, and you’ll find a loving anthem to internet trolls, largely dormant around here during the summer because we can’t call 35-percent completion ratios “lackluster” and in doing so grievously insult their favorite quarterbacks. We miss you guys too, and we’ll see you real soon.
• AND SPEAKING OF HATERS. You’re just jealous of Mike Garrett’s new job.
• Hat on a hat. No, seriously. A hearty bounty in the form of homemade baked goods to the first reader who can photograph Xzibit wearing one of these.
• Nicolas Cage to investigate Illuminati involvement in UCLA quarterbacks, Iowa running backs. Because really, this is getting out of hand.
• EA Sports hates USA. Or South Alabama’s bad at paperwork.
• Necessary basketball reading. Northwestern blog Sippin’ On Purple examines the university’s academic standards for student-athletes.
• Everything seems well, and then … Spencer Hall wrote at length earlier this week how it’s better to be lucky than good when it comes to college football, and today our own Andy Staples takes a swing at it, with a meandering, mesmerizing alternate history of BCS football since 2004. An Ohio State-Michigan national title game? Entirely possible, even plausible. Read all the way to the end and see if you agree that certain events are inevitable in all timelines. (And if you weren’t a fan of the Tebow hagiographers before, just imagine Daniel Moore painting his likeness full-time.)