Asks Mr. Matt Hayes of the Sporting News:” Don’t want to be Mr. Conspiracy, but who chooses this playoff selection committee? Conflicts of interest everywhere.” Answereth we: reality show!*
But much as we’d like to make this process a straight-up ripoff of ABC’s Wipeout, or ESPN’s own greatest television product of all time, Battle of the Gridiron Stars, Bobby Bowden wants in on this thing, and so does Phil Fulmer. Physical prowess is an important attribute of any successful playoff selector, but no one should be able to muscle his or her way onto the committee. To that end, we have composed a wide-ranging list of events in six categories that should showcase each aspirant’s strengths in areas vital to choosing college football’s four finest teams:
Feats of speed
• The Chase. Combatants will compete in three timed obstacle course routes while piloting a college football coach’s most necessary vehicles: a golf cart, a jetski and a rented Escalade.
Feats of technology
• Butt-dialing. Combatants will compose sonnets on subjects of their own choosing, on a BlackBerry residing in the back pocket of their pleated Dockers. No touching of the BlackBerry is allowed.
• DO YOU GUYS KNOW HOW TO POST VIDEOS TO FACEBOOK? Lightning sudden-death elimination round, delivered in the form of a yes or no question.
Feats of common sense
• Were You Born In A Barn? Combatants are placed in an air-conditioned house and must make sure all doors and windows are shut.
• Picnic. A game where you make food, put it in a basket, sit somewhere and eat while exchanging pleasantries.
Feats of agility
• Skee-ball, but with footballs. We have always wanted to try this.
• Pop-A-Shot, but with crystal footballs. SEC gets six shots; Big Ten gets one, and that’s for sass, Jim Delany. #rolltahd
Feats of endurance
• The Bathroom. The winner goes the fewest times in a 24 hour period without suffering kidney failure.
• The Tontine Bracket. In case of a tie in The Bathroom, and recognizing that this whole process will take several years to work out anyway, the selection committee will be chosen by counting who at all is still left alive by the time real need of a selection committee arises.
Optional tiebreaker bonus round
• Tostitos Eating Contest. All of them.
*The real question, of course, is who selects whoever is going to select the selection committee. The answer? Lee Corso, who has a lifetime seat at the table, as long as he delivers every decision from the back of a giant inflatable rubber duck.