In accordance with 3,000 years of blog law, we must hand down on an irregular basis a set of POWER RANKINGS of important issues of the age. Ohio State is a really big football team that just suspended two projected starters arrested for public urination and flight, and also happens to be coached by Urban “Urbz” Meyer, creating what internet scientists call a Power Rankings moral imperative.
1. Urban Meyer jokes. He has yet to coach a down for the Buckeyes, but Urbz just reassured every brokedown college football fan saddened at the possibility of giving up his or her second favorite sport: making jokes about Urban Meyer’s ability to control his players. Everything’s gonna be OK, you guys!
2. Mark Richt jokes. Just ask a certain segment of sports media types: Everything wrong with college athletics can be traced back to Georgia football allowing its athletes to pilot scooters around Athens. In letting Meyer first execute a sham retirement, then decamp to the Big Ten, has Mark Richt lost control of Ohio State football? The answer’s in your heart.
3. Jake Stoneburner’s social media strat. Arrestee and suspendee tight end Jake Stoneburner liked this tweet. (And we must agree, the resemblance is uncanny.)
4. Public urination puns. Stoneburner and left tackle Jack Mewhort’s charges, per the Toledo Blade: “Obstructing official business.” Snort. (Enjoy also their attorney’s assertion that they ran from a police spotlight but didn’t know it was a police spotlight. Unless they simply feared the approach of vigilante predators bent on curbing public urination, which is a reasonable fear.)
5. Dominic Clarke’s social media strat. Remember Dominic Clarke? He remembers Urban Meyer:
That tweet has since vanished; best of luck to Mr. Clarke in his future football endeavors. And why can’t Urban Meyer control players he kicked off the team in January, PAAAOWL?