It is Wednesday in May, and Bobby Petrino’s career-eviscerating motorcycle is for sale. So many jokes! And like every sports site on God’s green internet, we are unable to process value judgments without power rankings.
1. Motorcycle is highly productive in terms of positive yardage but not well-regarded defensively against ground attacks.
2. This is widely regarded as a system motorcycle, and it’s not known if it will operate well outside Arkansas.
3. Motorcycle not being a scooter will prevent Georgia football players from being arrested on it. Buy, buy, buy, Athenians!
4. WARNING: Bike may be possessed by the undead spirit of Houston Nutt, causing it to weave erratically until crashing in Oxford, Mississippi.
5. Act quickly, before you are outbid by George O’Leary, who will dub himself “GHOST LIAR” when he rides this around town.
6. The bike’s narrow seat makes bestriding it in even the tightest Bad Idea Jeans a breeze!
7. Malcolm Gladwell and Buzz Bissinger will debate whether the anthropomorphized spirit of college football contributed to this motorcycle’s obvious structural instability next Wednesday night on the Hallmark Channel.
8. For an extra 6,000, you can also get Petrino’s custom-made sidecar. Ryan Mallett lives in it during the offseason!
9. Like most abandoned playthings of Petrino’s, it’ll cost untold amounts of money to make right, but once it’s back in working order, you can at least count on a playoff bid! (For the motorcycle playoffs.)
10. Please consult traffic laws in your state before driving motorcycle in car pool lane, or before appointing your mistress riding on the back of it to a position with your taxpayer-funded employer.