Over the weekend, the Miami Herald published several incendiary comments they received from jailed Hurricanes booster and convicted Ponzi schemer Nevin Shapiro. It’s an interesting time to be a sports fan, if you’re into sausage-making, and Shapiro is promising to keep the offseason lively for a Miami fan base already antsy for the NCAA’s haywire hammer of justice to drop:
“The public is going to hate me worse in the next coming months,” Shapiro, serving a 20-year sentence for a Ponzi scheme, wrote in numerous e-mails over the past few months. “It’s going to be severe and catastrophic. My feelings are getting inflamed and I’m going to pop off pretty soon with regards to them and the NCAA. I’m coming for them both [UM and former players] and I’m going to be successful.”
Shapiro seems to be hinting rather broadly that he has more allegations against UM players and boosters to spill, on top of those already detailed in last summer’s sprawling Yahoo! Sports report.
And we’re here to tell you all about them. Over the past several minutes, Campus Union has partnered with Janie Campbell of Huffington Post Miami to piece together the following painstakingly-curated list of Shapiro’s future claims against the Miami football program.
Note: All of these claims are completely and totally fictional.
• Willis McGahee concocted an elaborate plan to rob the Seminole Coconut Creek Casino during his sophomore season. However, he abandoned it after coaches convinced him that the casino’s floor was made of lava.
• Vince Wilfork burped up a Rolex Watch while receiving a lap dance from an escort hired by Shapiro. Its owner remains unknown.
• Devin Hester’s darting on-field speed was made possible by an operation that hollowed out his bones and filled them with bank bonds during his first offseason at Miami. The procedure better enabled Shapiro to keep large portions of his wealth out of prying government control.
• Najeh Davenport remains in a committed long-term relationship with a Burmese python Shapiro introduced him to.
• Vernon Carey was formerly an undercover officer working with the Dade County Sheriff’s Office. After he lost his wiretap equipment, he decided to switch sides.
• Andre Johnson never paid for anything, but mostly because everyone simply got out of the way and let him have things.
• Ed Reed was discovered to be some sort of biological futuristic demigod. This finding was covered up after his NCAA physical by university doctors.
• Bryant McKinnie avoided similar NCAA medical entanglements by listing himself as “a personal watercraft.”
• Shortly after the 2001 season, an unknown ‘Canes player impregnated an endangered manatee. Shapiro paid for the abortion and had the creature relocated to a quiet section of the Intracoastal Waterway in Volusia County.
• Kellen Winslow Jr. legally married an oily stripper pole during an impromptu recruiting trip presided over by Frank Dee.
• Clinton Portis received multiple sexual favors from Shapiro-financed prostitutes. In his private life, he preferred the romantic company of dolphins.
• During his time on campus, Frank Gore slept exclusively on bedding made from European currency taken out of circulation.
• Greg Olsen promised to commit to the ‘Canes only after the school found a job for his friend “Evan,” who turned out to be a Kid Sister doll in a fireman’s hat. Evan is currently up for County Commissioner reelection.
• Jacory Harris defecated whole rolls of $20 bills in an infamous but hushed-up Signing Day incident in 2008. The treating doctor was later strangled by Clint Hurtt to guarantee silence.
• For the entirety of his career at Miami, Roscoe Parrish paid his blind landlady in Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
• University board member Gloria Estefan paid Ken Dorsey $8,000 for exclusive rights to his mother’s creamed corn recipe, which she sampled at a team potluck.
• Every Thursday for two full seasons, Antrel Rolle recreated the final theft scene from “The Thomas Crown Affair” at a local Target. This explains why he has a storage unit full of “BEST GRANDMA” picture frames.