Crucial reading on topics carefully curated to contain only stories of the utmost importance to speed you through your Friday afternoon. This is our love for you.
• News you can use. CBS is reporting that West Virginia and the Big East have reached a settlement agreement, and Boise State could be leaping in early to take WVU’s place. But of far greater urgency in the Mountain State is this tidbit out of Marshall:
A West Virginia college student is suing a fraternity for negligence, claiming he fell off a deck because a bottle rocket went off in another student’s rectum.
“Instead of launching, the bottle rocket blew up in the defendant’s rectum, and this startled the plaintiff and caused him to jump back,” and fall off the deck, the lawsuit contends.
• A poet can survive everything but a misprint. We have friends who are Actual Reporters who occasionally lament that they cannot, in their professional lives, take overt swings in print at players and coaches who displease them. To them, we say: Do not abandon hope. Seen a lot of mannered comedies? Restoration-era scribes knew better than just about anybody how to slice an offending party to ribbons with pure politesse. Some of the best stone-cold bitchery we’ve ever seen in ink has come from the Associated Press. It’s more of a structured art form, like composing a sonnet, but the constraints give the finished product an elegant beauty. Today’s lesson, from ESPN.com news services:
LSU quarterback Jordan Jefferson says he believes the major reason the Tigers suffered the first shutout in BCS title game history, a 21-0 rout to Alabama on Jan. 9, was because of the offensive game plan. Jefferson, on the same day he pleaded not guilty to a simple-battery charge stemming from an Aug. 26 arrest, second-guessed the offensive play calls in an interview with Atlanta radio station WCNN.
• And speaking of poetry. Is Butch Davis taking an advisory role with Tampa Bay rather than the DC job so he can remain on UNC’s payroll? Doug Farrar tweeted that Davis “has the ethical compass God gave a wolverine,” which we find difficult to argue. What animal would you associate with Davis, gentle readers?
• I learned it by watching you, Coach. Urban Meyer, as dictated by unbreakable Ohio State University compact, has already begun needling Michigan in matter-of-fact, adolescent fashion. And we wonder where message boarders glean their behavior cues! (If he’s looking for more material, maybe point out that Dave Brandon clearly sleeps with a nightlight.) Meyer also professes to be ” a huge Woody Hayes guy,” so place your bets now on which player’s throat will take the punch that eventually ends his coaching career. In related name-calling news, James Franklin does James Franklin things.
• We are liking Washington State more and more all the time. Mike Leach! Squirrels stuck in peanut jars!
• Be healed. Has your week not been the greatest? Because it’s about to be. The greatest. Because RABBIT OLYMPICS, which is exactly what it sounds like. Quoth our lovely producer Mallory: “Has a better caption ever been written, in the history of the world, than ‘An Angora rabbit waits to be judged’?” Not ever, say we. Have a GREAT weekend, internet.