We have been derailed from our Monday morning news gathering by the appearance of this Missouri-themed music video. It appears to be about basketball, but we’re honor-bound to parse it anyway, in an attempt to better understand these strange creatures inbound to join stranger creatures in the SEC.
Greetings, Mizzouvania. We don’t know a lot about you. You are over there in the middle of the country and do not have a “Myrtle Beach.” But you seem ready to prove you belong in God’s Own College Football Conference, with your fratty natty ties and your ill-considered candor and willingness to rhyme on camera and autotune yourselves beyond the boundaries of human speech for love of alma mater. We like these things here. Welcome! To ease your transition, we have taken the liberty of making a few helpful notes on the first minute of this thing, which is the longest we could watch it at a stretch. Take that as a compliment.
00:01 Your rapping outfit goes by “Fifth Down.” We don’t know how you do things in middle America, but fifth downs are not a thing you get in SEC football, unless you are LSU, and that’s only as long as Les Miles remains in residence. Is that how y’all score all those points in the Big 12? We could use a few of those. Or is it a reference to the actual Fifth Down Game, in which you yourselves were the wronged party? If so, why would you want to memorialize that time? Are you trying to take back “Fifth Down,” like how girls call their best friends “sluts” to be affectionate? Please clarify.
00:09 ”One take, max!” Are there scenarios in which it is possible to “cut” a “jam” in less than one take? Can a hit song be constructed in, say, a third of a take? For a good introductory SEC exercise, try turning this into a joke about Nick Saban’s height at home in front of your bathroom mirror.
00:21 WE MUST CAUTION YOU, IN THE SPIRIT OF NEW FRIENDSHIP, AGAINST TAUNTING ARKANSAS, EVEN TANGENTIALLY. Football Jesus willing, you’ll never have to find out what those people can do with public records requests. Arkansas as a fanbase is sorely underrated in terms of latent crazytude, and is not to be baited.
00:32 About the unwillingness to mangle the pronunciation of “champions” to rhyme with “bustin’ in:” Is this your renowned journo school throwing some weight? We can respect that.
00:48 While we recognize you are on video for the purposes of taunting the Kansas basketball team, telling the Jayhawks to “LEARN THEIR PLACE” will come in handy against division football foes Kentucky, Vanderbilt and Tennessee. Solid fundamentals, there.
00:59 Important: STOP TUCKING IN YOUR JERSEYS IN NON-GAME SETTINGS. NO ONE ANYWHERE FROM ANY SCHOOL AT ANY LEVEL OF SPORTING FANDOM SHOULD DO THIS. THIS IS NOT A DEBATE.
Thanks very much for your time, Tigers, and welcome to the family.
Knife-sleeved hugs and bourbon-wafting kisses,
Your belligerently affectionate SEC stepsiblings