Posted August 26, 2011

Designated Read: Your LSU cheat sheet

Designated Read

Jordan Jefferson (9) and teammate Joshua Johns face felony second-degree battery charges for their role in an Aug. 19 bar fight.

Know your assorted LSU headlines of varying degrees of urgency. What the Bayou Bengals reap on the field in luck, they’re paying back double off it in ill fortune. Just to keep this all straight, let’s construct a quick cheat sheet:

- The police report from last week’s (can it really only have been a week?) after-curfew bar fight: Chilling.

- Jordan Jefferson’s arrest warrant: Issued, along with one for Joshua Johns.

- Jordan Jefferson’s foot’s alleged victim: Allegedly sketchy.

- Jordan Jefferson’s footwear: Under police scrutiny.

- Jordan Jefferson’s fist: Maybe not the instigating limb.

- Russell Shepard: Suspended for reasons that have nothing to do with his recent housing questions and something to do with Willie Lyles.

- Zach Mettenberger and Sam Montgomery: Apparently had a gun pointed at them in June and we’re just finding out about it.

- LSU’s prognosis: Still 10 wins. Please.

- Les Miles: Explaining the art of chewgrasscraft.

- Les Miles’ GameDay spot: Going head-to-head against Chip Kelly’s.

Hurricane warnings downgraded for College Park. Eight Miami players have been declared ineligible and are seeking reinstatement for the opener against Maryland, and that number’s actually surprisingly low.

How mad are you if you’re Georgia right now? Oregon’s and Boise State’s Pro Combat uniforms are predictably slick and fancy — and (perhaps unexpectedly) awesome. A full 2011 roster of  Pro Combat appearances is available for your perusal.

“Toledo point-shaving scandal” = still fun to say. Quinton Broussard pleads guilty to his involvement in the saddest athletics-rigging scandal in recorded human history:

Broussard also admitted that the bribes affected his play. He said he intentionally fumbled against Texas-El Paso in the 2005 GMAC Bowl. Nonetheless, Toledo easily won the game, 45-13.

In other breaking news, Mountaineer fans intend to take advantage of in-stadium beer sales. Dana Holgorsen will not strive for a run-pass balance at West Virginia.

Right now they’re grading out at “Dachsund.” Vanderbilt assistant wants his unit to learn from wild dogs.

Whoever’s team wins the Cocktail Party should get to have his name first in the show title. All this buzz about Jesse Palmer and David Pollack’s new show, and no one seems to be addressing the fact that it’ll present the greatest combined hair-powers on one television screen in recorded human history.

Two bad-news items for Michigan. A third player has left the team this week, and the athletic department has scheduled what it’s going to have to call a revenge match with Appalachian State, a concept too hysterical to even contemplate. Welcome back from relegation, Wolverines!

Everything’s going to be fine. Street agent opening up about NCAA enforcement via YouTube? No, what could possibly emerge from that?

Shouldn’t be a problem in the offense-eschewing Pac-12, right? Arizona loses its best corner for the season.

Majestic headline of the week. Anonymous Gainesville Sun editor, I salute you.

Snake in a helmet? Snake in a helmet. 

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